Got the little one up early this morning and popped her into a cold shower to help clear away the Ambien she takes to make sure she gets a full night’s sleep. Maybe she should have taken her Ritalin before the shower and that would have calmed her tantrum a little, but as usual I didn’t give it to her until it was too late. It hadn’t quite kicked in by the time she came to the table so I caved a little bit and gave her the Fruit Loops she wanted instead of the power breakfast I had prepared, but I poured on some Muscle Milk and gave her a protein shake to help wash down her multi-vitamin and L-Arginine. I drove her to school so that she doesn’t have to share the bus with the kids who have colds, head lice, or mal-adjusted parents, and I reminded her to act-up with the teacher in the first 15 minutes so that she gets made to sit away from all the bug carriers.
The teachers won’t administer the kid’s medications these days so I had to pop down to the school a half-hour before gym class and give her a couple of Tylenol so she could exercise through the pain of her Osgood-Schattlers. Then I went in again at lunchtime to give her a Five Hour Energy for the afternoon session and picked her up at 2.30 which is perfect timing to get her fed full of high-fiber, full grain pasta before practice starts.
I let the coach know that she had already taken her Gatorade Prime in the car on the way there and that her Gatorade Perform was in her bag. Normally I like to watch practice but I had to pop out to the store because we were out of Gatorade Recover and I wanted to have some by the time she finished. The coach was appreciative of my efforts and let me know that he himself had taken a couple of Cialis just in case it was of any interest to me.
When we got home I was going to give her some Natrol to help her focus on her school stuff but we decided to blow off her homework in favor of watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about Barry Bonds and all the performance enhancing drugs the cheating rat took. I hope she understood the message I was trying to send her.
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Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Sensitive Approach
There’s a lot we parents can learn from the modern youth soccer coach regarding how best to handle difficult situations. Sometimes the sensitivity of these trained professionals is just awe-inspiring. However, I have to be honest and say that at first I wasn’t quite clued-in to our Highschool coach’s way of thinking when my eldest came and told me that she’d overheard him disparaging one of our freshmen during his regular flirt-fests with his three senior captains. But once I had spoken to him and received his wisdom it all became clear. It seems the coach believes it is important that his experienced girls understand that the ‘homely little geek’ freshman might not be able to perform at the big moments, and so her ‘bony little ass’ will be fixed to the bench during play-offs. That sort of caring attitude to ensure the little one doesn’t make a fool of her self has inspired me to take a leaf out of his book. So I’ve let all the parents know that the coach might not be able to perform at the big moments either, just like he couldn’t for me that time we both got carried away in a Holiday Inn Express at the Best of The Midwest Tournament in 2005. It’s good to pass on this sort of information because, as the coach says, a problem shared is a problem halved.
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Friday, October 8, 2010
Losing Streak
A flurry of lawsuits have been issued following a recent high-school soccer match reports The Oregasmian newspaper in Portland. The game was played out on Thursday evening between the Sundown Shadows and the Adios Amigos, but was interrupted in the 22nd minute of the second half when a nude model from a local art class inadvertently strayed onto the field of play.
The Amigos have filed suit claiming that their winning streak of two and a half matches only came to an ignominious 12-0 end when the referee failed to spot that there were three balls on the field of play at the same time. They have applied to the Court of Arbitration for Sport’s parental over-reaction division to have the result overturned citing the clutching-at-straws clause in their league’s rules.
Meanwhile, three students from the Sundown team have filed suit against their Human Anatomy teacher citing charges of gross exaggeration. The teacher has countersued with her lawyer pointing out just how cold it was on Thursday evening.
The nude model has filed a claim against Portland Metal Fencing LLC for severe injuries sustained while making a hasty exit from the unfortunate incident. The company’s attorney has moved to have the charges decreed incompetent by virtue of the fact that the gender of complainant filing the suit, and the gender of the person leaping the fence are different.
Charges may also arise from two 90 year old women who were in the front row of the bleachers as the model made his/her exit. Apparently one of them had a stroke but the other couldn’t reach.
Sundown Athletic Director G.T.B Asilvalining was upbeat about the educational values of the incident pointing out that the students were being given a great insight into the long American tradition of harmless fun resulting in frivolous lawsuits.
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The Amigos have filed suit claiming that their winning streak of two and a half matches only came to an ignominious 12-0 end when the referee failed to spot that there were three balls on the field of play at the same time. They have applied to the Court of Arbitration for Sport’s parental over-reaction division to have the result overturned citing the clutching-at-straws clause in their league’s rules.
Meanwhile, three students from the Sundown team have filed suit against their Human Anatomy teacher citing charges of gross exaggeration. The teacher has countersued with her lawyer pointing out just how cold it was on Thursday evening.
The nude model has filed a claim against Portland Metal Fencing LLC for severe injuries sustained while making a hasty exit from the unfortunate incident. The company’s attorney has moved to have the charges decreed incompetent by virtue of the fact that the gender of complainant filing the suit, and the gender of the person leaping the fence are different.
Charges may also arise from two 90 year old women who were in the front row of the bleachers as the model made his/her exit. Apparently one of them had a stroke but the other couldn’t reach.
Sundown Athletic Director G.T.B Asilvalining was upbeat about the educational values of the incident pointing out that the students were being given a great insight into the long American tradition of harmless fun resulting in frivolous lawsuits.
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Bias and (in)competence.
I got a bit of a shock to my system when I discovered that there might just be a debate going on in one of the soccer websites that I occasionally grace with my increasingly famous, media-friendly presence (http://www.examiner.com/soccer-in-seattle/satire-from-the-sidelines-soccer-mom). We need to nip this trend in the bud or else we might end up with a situation where these forums develop in the sort of place where our little dysfunctional community could come together and discuss the issues our game faces in a reasonable manner. People need to realize that the internet is specifically designed to allow us to savage each other, indulge in salacious gossip, shout down our detractors, and (most importantly) ridicule the efforts of pre-teen children. If we get any more of this trendy, lefty, liberal, discussion non-sense, we’re going to end up having a reasoned consideration of all the issues arising out of the unfortunate soccer ‘sex scandal’ situation I’ve been reading about and that’s the last thing anyone wants.
So anyway, the big ‘debate’ seems to be about the difference between ‘bias’ and ‘(in)-competence’. Now I’m just like every other red-blooded, right thinking, American who wants to compartmentalize everyone into their specific area – black/white, left/right, male/superior – but in this case I think it might just be possible to be multi-faceted.
For example, my girlfriend was telling me last night about her kid’s high school game. Apparently in the last minute the blind fat-ass ref called a PK against her kid for a totally innocuous challenge that was actually ten-feet outside the box when the little bitch on the other team threw herself to her knees faster than Monica in the oval office. The opposition only scored the kick after a re-take when the homer ref said the keeper moved off her line, three kids encroached, and our coach shouted “Scooby!” at the top of his voice just as the shooter was kicking. My girlfriend states that she was watching all three of those situations and none of them happened. She was so upset that she followed the ref to the parking lot, assured her daughter that it was not ‘just another game’, and taught all the girls on the team a few new swear words that they might find useful as their careers develop. So there you have it, 100% proof-positive that it is perfectly possible for a parent to be both biased and incompetent at the same time.
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So anyway, the big ‘debate’ seems to be about the difference between ‘bias’ and ‘(in)-competence’. Now I’m just like every other red-blooded, right thinking, American who wants to compartmentalize everyone into their specific area – black/white, left/right, male/superior – but in this case I think it might just be possible to be multi-faceted.
For example, my girlfriend was telling me last night about her kid’s high school game. Apparently in the last minute the blind fat-ass ref called a PK against her kid for a totally innocuous challenge that was actually ten-feet outside the box when the little bitch on the other team threw herself to her knees faster than Monica in the oval office. The opposition only scored the kick after a re-take when the homer ref said the keeper moved off her line, three kids encroached, and our coach shouted “Scooby!” at the top of his voice just as the shooter was kicking. My girlfriend states that she was watching all three of those situations and none of them happened. She was so upset that she followed the ref to the parking lot, assured her daughter that it was not ‘just another game’, and taught all the girls on the team a few new swear words that they might find useful as their careers develop. So there you have it, 100% proof-positive that it is perfectly possible for a parent to be both biased and incompetent at the same time.
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Friday, October 1, 2010
The AD's Plan
I know that for some of you the idea of the words “Athletic Director” and “Plan” appearing in the same sentence will be a bit of a surprise, but it seems that at Harebrayne High School over in Ecksklousion County such a bizarre circumstance might be about to come to pass. It seems that 43 years after the school’s last state championship – back when cow-tipping was still a varsity sport – they have been roused from their slumbers by the revelation that most of the board still did not know the AD’s name, even in spite of all that stuff in the media about the pole dancing club. Last night’s follow up school board meeting was a busy affair as over 50% of the entire school board actually showed up to hear the AD’s proposal to return the school to it’s former glory.
Step 1 will be for the school to resign from its membership of the BSTC Athletic Conference and seek membership of the Farm Boys and Hermits League in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. It seems that, in spite of the fact that away games will now involve a 400 mile round trip, our AD feels that our school is much more aligned with these remote-from-reality schools than they are with the other members of the Big School Tough Competition conference. The AD went on to say that with 500 more kids than any other school in our new league we were bound to win something. This comment brought the enthusiastic audience to their feet with the school’s war cry of “Don’t Bet On It!” ringing around the room.
Step 2 is intended to bring further post season glory to the school’s soccer team after their unprecedented success last year when neighboring Krackhead High’s disqualification gave the school a berth in the second round of play offs for the first time in history. With the smell of success in his nostrils the AD is going for glory with his plan to close his school’s special education unit and end it’s policy of inclusion in the mainstream school system for any kids with difficulties. Packing these kids off to some special education unit on the other side of the county should drop the school roll by enough to merit a move down into Division II before the season kicks off. The AD’s position is that none of these retards, ding-bats, and social misfits are eligible to play sports anyway so why should they be included on our head count? In the longer term the AD feels that by removing the wheel chair access ramps, demonizing the gay students, and inciting a little creative racial tension a move to Division III is not out of the question. In the meantime, to celebrate their move to Division II, the school will supply each student with a spirit t-shirt emblazoned with their new catch phrase of “All For One, and One For All”.
A lone dissenting voice from the floor in the shape of the soccer boosters chairman was heard to suggest an alternative strategy of qualified coaches, stronger ties with the travel soccer community, and an inclusive educational focus, was shouted down as the crowd looked forward to receiving one of the tacky wooden trophies the MHSAA awards to schools who have stomped over everyone else and learned the life lessons we all get from participation in school sports.
Step 1 will be for the school to resign from its membership of the BSTC Athletic Conference and seek membership of the Farm Boys and Hermits League in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. It seems that, in spite of the fact that away games will now involve a 400 mile round trip, our AD feels that our school is much more aligned with these remote-from-reality schools than they are with the other members of the Big School Tough Competition conference. The AD went on to say that with 500 more kids than any other school in our new league we were bound to win something. This comment brought the enthusiastic audience to their feet with the school’s war cry of “Don’t Bet On It!” ringing around the room.
Step 2 is intended to bring further post season glory to the school’s soccer team after their unprecedented success last year when neighboring Krackhead High’s disqualification gave the school a berth in the second round of play offs for the first time in history. With the smell of success in his nostrils the AD is going for glory with his plan to close his school’s special education unit and end it’s policy of inclusion in the mainstream school system for any kids with difficulties. Packing these kids off to some special education unit on the other side of the county should drop the school roll by enough to merit a move down into Division II before the season kicks off. The AD’s position is that none of these retards, ding-bats, and social misfits are eligible to play sports anyway so why should they be included on our head count? In the longer term the AD feels that by removing the wheel chair access ramps, demonizing the gay students, and inciting a little creative racial tension a move to Division III is not out of the question. In the meantime, to celebrate their move to Division II, the school will supply each student with a spirit t-shirt emblazoned with their new catch phrase of “All For One, and One For All”.
A lone dissenting voice from the floor in the shape of the soccer boosters chairman was heard to suggest an alternative strategy of qualified coaches, stronger ties with the travel soccer community, and an inclusive educational focus, was shouted down as the crowd looked forward to receiving one of the tacky wooden trophies the MHSAA awards to schools who have stomped over everyone else and learned the life lessons we all get from participation in school sports.
Monday, September 27, 2010
My Kid Is Great......Again!
After a little bit of a lull it looks like my kid is back to being the god-like-genius that my financial investment in him merits! No longer is he out in the wilderness where he was being roundly ignored by the high priests of soccer wisdom, but now, once more, he is being hailed by the grand order of college coaches as the new messiah of the world game. As fall has rolled around my inbox has begun to fill up with messages paying homage to the chosen one and hailing him as being a “key part of our recruiting plans”, an “outstanding prospect”, and “able to make an immediate impact”. As a parent, it’s gratifying to hear this from these wise men that can spot the chosen one in his fledgling stages. I’m particularly impressed with the coach who wrote to say he had recognized my son’s abilities during an academy game in which he wasn’t even rostered. The insight of these prophets is truly awe-inspiring.
Of course, each of them also understands that my particular savior is still a work in progress and, to a man, they have recognized that all he needs to do to reach his god-given potential is simply sign up for their up-coming, $300, winter recruiting camp. It actually feels like previous occasion that my son was hailed as a genius in the halcyon days of spring and these same priests were clamoring over each other to get the chosen one to sign up for their summer camps.
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Of course, each of them also understands that my particular savior is still a work in progress and, to a man, they have recognized that all he needs to do to reach his god-given potential is simply sign up for their up-coming, $300, winter recruiting camp. It actually feels like previous occasion that my son was hailed as a genius in the halcyon days of spring and these same priests were clamoring over each other to get the chosen one to sign up for their summer camps.
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Friday, September 3, 2010
My Season Begins
And so the Labor Day holiday brings the official start of another soccer season. From here on out the travel programs can play league games and the high school boys can play their conference games. I’ve always thought that Labor Day was a bit of an un-American holiday given it’s socialist overtones and so I’m going to suggest we re-name it ‘Three Check Day’ since most of us travel soccer parents have already written three checks to their soccer club by the time the start of September rolls around. It’s funny how we are all desperate to write that first check at tryouts in June so that it feels like our kid really has made the team, but how we resent writing the third one because we still haven’t seen anything in return.
That’s not to suggest that financial problems are exclusive to travel soccer. Our boys high school program has had severe cut backs this season. The Varsity assistant coach is no longer going to be a paid post, the uniforms have to be used for a seventh season, the bus will only take the kids to away games leaving them to make their own way back, and the qualified athletic trainer has been replaced by a volunteer in the shape of Eddie Zabrinski’s uncle Benny who took a pre-veterinarian class in Idaho in 1968. With the money saved the school should be able to add another assistant coach to stand alongside the seven other 350lb train wrecks that “coach” the football program.
I guess the nightmare scenario for the school will be if un-qualified Benny treats an injured player by wrapping a flea invested seven year old jersey around an open cut and then leaves the disoriented kid to drive himself home to the suburbs from somewhere in downtown Flint, Michigan. Still, maybe the kid won’t live long enough to sue.
The tough part of any new season is, of course, scheduling. Monday night is the worst for us. I pick the little one up at 3pm and drop her at practice where she waits alone for 40 minutes with a pop-tart and Gatorade for the rest of her team to show up. I dash off to pick up the boy and get him to practice before taking the eldest to conditioning classes and get back for the little one hoping to goodness that I’m not last to arrive because I still worry over those stories about our coach and the U15 goalkeeper. We can usually swing back for the boy in time and if he jumps straight in the car we can normally stand the smell of his shinpads because it means we don’t have to listen to my eldest bitching about how long she’s had to wait. Of course it all goes FUBAR if the boy’s coach does his usual ‘extra running because that’s what I did back in the 70s’ thing. From there we like to sit down as a family and have a well-balanced, nutritious, meal from the drive-through at Taco-Bell. If I get home early enough the kids might just manage their homework while I wash the gear for tomorrow and try as hard as I can to remember what the coach said about us all needing to show a little more dedication.
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That’s not to suggest that financial problems are exclusive to travel soccer. Our boys high school program has had severe cut backs this season. The Varsity assistant coach is no longer going to be a paid post, the uniforms have to be used for a seventh season, the bus will only take the kids to away games leaving them to make their own way back, and the qualified athletic trainer has been replaced by a volunteer in the shape of Eddie Zabrinski’s uncle Benny who took a pre-veterinarian class in Idaho in 1968. With the money saved the school should be able to add another assistant coach to stand alongside the seven other 350lb train wrecks that “coach” the football program.
I guess the nightmare scenario for the school will be if un-qualified Benny treats an injured player by wrapping a flea invested seven year old jersey around an open cut and then leaves the disoriented kid to drive himself home to the suburbs from somewhere in downtown Flint, Michigan. Still, maybe the kid won’t live long enough to sue.
The tough part of any new season is, of course, scheduling. Monday night is the worst for us. I pick the little one up at 3pm and drop her at practice where she waits alone for 40 minutes with a pop-tart and Gatorade for the rest of her team to show up. I dash off to pick up the boy and get him to practice before taking the eldest to conditioning classes and get back for the little one hoping to goodness that I’m not last to arrive because I still worry over those stories about our coach and the U15 goalkeeper. We can usually swing back for the boy in time and if he jumps straight in the car we can normally stand the smell of his shinpads because it means we don’t have to listen to my eldest bitching about how long she’s had to wait. Of course it all goes FUBAR if the boy’s coach does his usual ‘extra running because that’s what I did back in the 70s’ thing. From there we like to sit down as a family and have a well-balanced, nutritious, meal from the drive-through at Taco-Bell. If I get home early enough the kids might just manage their homework while I wash the gear for tomorrow and try as hard as I can to remember what the coach said about us all needing to show a little more dedication.
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Monday, August 2, 2010
Guest Player
My daughter’s coach has asked if I’d like to be his date at a society wedding in Rochester Hills next weekend. It’s a little bit of a late invitation because it seems his current girlfriend has decided to go back to her husband, leaving him without a partner for the wedding and without a left sided central defender for the fall season. I feel a little bit like how a guest player must feel at a showcase tournament and I’m wondering what tactics I should use?
Part of me thinks that I should agree but be really demanding and insist that he sends a cab to pick me, cover the cost of my room in the hotel, and take care of breakfast in the morning. I was even going to insist that I “play the whole game” but I’m worried that he’ll misinterpret that suggestion.
On the other hand I could just gratefully accept and then let him play me as he sees fit. I guess that might be more acceptable to the rest of the guests who won’t really be expecting to see me playing in some other girl’s position.
So I’m not quite sure what the protocol is because I guess there’s no fixed etiquette as last minute guests are brought in for lots of different reasons.
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Part of me thinks that I should agree but be really demanding and insist that he sends a cab to pick me, cover the cost of my room in the hotel, and take care of breakfast in the morning. I was even going to insist that I “play the whole game” but I’m worried that he’ll misinterpret that suggestion.
On the other hand I could just gratefully accept and then let him play me as he sees fit. I guess that might be more acceptable to the rest of the guests who won’t really be expecting to see me playing in some other girl’s position.
So I’m not quite sure what the protocol is because I guess there’s no fixed etiquette as last minute guests are brought in for lots of different reasons.
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Thursday, July 1, 2010
Summer Soccer
We are only a couple of weeks into the school summer break and the kids are driving me nuts already. For some reason they’ve gotten it into their head that this is some kind of soccer ‘off season’ which means they can lay in bed until after 7am when they should be out doing their daily conditioning run. I know it’s tough on them but recent events in South Africa have proven once-and-for-all that it is down to soccer parents like me to carve out a future for our national teams on the world stage. Lord knows that the so-called experts with their “Project 2010” thing haven’t exactly brought home the bacon have they? So move over you guys and accept that we soccer parents are the solution instead of the problem you have been making us out to be.
Summer afternoons are, of course, the perfect time for college showcase tournaments! I love to pull up my fancy lawn chair with the sunshade canopy, cold drinks holder, and battery powered fan, at the side of a soccer field where 22 desperate teenagers are ignoring all the ideals of team play as they sweat buckets to individually impress some pimply 20 year old assistant associate volunteer coach from a D6 school in The Edge of Oblivion, Idaho. However, there seems to be some problem for my kids with playing soccer in the hottest part of a 90-degree day. They never seem to show their best in these summer showcases. I wonder what the problem could be?
But like all kids they are smart enough to use the opportunity to get me to shell out on all the latest gear. My eldest daughter has even gone so far as to ask me to get her a sports bra. Apparently she thinks it will help her to “stop jiggling” when she runs with the ball. I told her she won’t get a second look from any of these college coaches with that kind of attitude.
Meanwhile my boy is glued to the TV watching the South African Vuvuzela Symphony Orchestra going through its paces at some obscure sporting event. It’s some crazy game where offside doesn’t matter and putting the ball into the net doesn’t seem to count. It kind of puts our problems in perspective.
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Summer afternoons are, of course, the perfect time for college showcase tournaments! I love to pull up my fancy lawn chair with the sunshade canopy, cold drinks holder, and battery powered fan, at the side of a soccer field where 22 desperate teenagers are ignoring all the ideals of team play as they sweat buckets to individually impress some pimply 20 year old assistant associate volunteer coach from a D6 school in The Edge of Oblivion, Idaho. However, there seems to be some problem for my kids with playing soccer in the hottest part of a 90-degree day. They never seem to show their best in these summer showcases. I wonder what the problem could be?
But like all kids they are smart enough to use the opportunity to get me to shell out on all the latest gear. My eldest daughter has even gone so far as to ask me to get her a sports bra. Apparently she thinks it will help her to “stop jiggling” when she runs with the ball. I told her she won’t get a second look from any of these college coaches with that kind of attitude.
Meanwhile my boy is glued to the TV watching the South African Vuvuzela Symphony Orchestra going through its paces at some obscure sporting event. It’s some crazy game where offside doesn’t matter and putting the ball into the net doesn’t seem to count. It kind of puts our problems in perspective.
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Monday, June 28, 2010
From Your Super Soaraway Sun Newspaper
Don Fabio Crapello has failed in his bid to become the first pizza tosser to be made a Knight of the Realm and is now likely to face the axe of her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth Borden. In a foolhardy bid to revolutionize a nation’s 44-year obsession with repeating a feat of immense luck, Crapello introduced a distinctly Italian approach by encouraging senior players to pork each other’s girlfriends and to surrender when the going got tough. His Latin methodology did not sit well with traditional English characteristics of thinking you’ve done all the work in the qualifiers and believing you are as good as this newspaper built you up to be.
A period of national mourning has been announced in England whilst Scotland, Wales and Ireland will introduce a program of street parties amid scenes of unbridled joy. In a related development hundreds of English ex-pat soccer coaches in the United States have suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth and the blogosphere. In the meantime the whole UK will dust itself down, pick itself up, and look forward to a Brit winning Wimbledon.
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A period of national mourning has been announced in England whilst Scotland, Wales and Ireland will introduce a program of street parties amid scenes of unbridled joy. In a related development hundreds of English ex-pat soccer coaches in the United States have suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth and the blogosphere. In the meantime the whole UK will dust itself down, pick itself up, and look forward to a Brit winning Wimbledon.
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Original Soundtrack
So the World Cup came back to Borden Park on Saturday. It was here in this suburban Detroit park that teams playing their matches at the Silverdome would practice during the 1994 tournament. How well I remember trying to catch Hagi’s attention in the hope that he’d show me his ball skills.
For this year’s World Cup one of the local clubs had arranged for Borden to present a big screen showing of the game in which we summoned up the spirit of 1776 and 1950 to take on the mighty-in-their-own-mind English and their British Bulldog coach with his Italian accent. It was such a melting pot of cultures as traditional African vuvuzela horns, fashioned from cheap plastics in China, were sold at inflated prices in a classic example American exploitation. As I shelled out my greenbacks I truly felt I was part of what the World Cup has come to represent in 2010.
As I laid my Burberry rug out on the grass and settled down to watch the game, the sound of the local kids blowing their vuvuzelas carried me across the miles and I wondered what they would sound like in the cauldron of the stadium in which our boys prepared to do battle. Even as the English scored their first and last goal I was wondering what a vuvuzela would sound like ringing across the plains of the Serengeti. I wondered what a vuvuzela would sound like in the hands of a magnificent Zulu warrior calling his brothers to arms. But as the second half kicked off I was beginning to wonder what a vuvuzela would sound like shoved firmly up the arse of the pain-in-the-butt 'fans' ruining the frickin’ game.
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For this year’s World Cup one of the local clubs had arranged for Borden to present a big screen showing of the game in which we summoned up the spirit of 1776 and 1950 to take on the mighty-in-their-own-mind English and their British Bulldog coach with his Italian accent. It was such a melting pot of cultures as traditional African vuvuzela horns, fashioned from cheap plastics in China, were sold at inflated prices in a classic example American exploitation. As I shelled out my greenbacks I truly felt I was part of what the World Cup has come to represent in 2010.
As I laid my Burberry rug out on the grass and settled down to watch the game, the sound of the local kids blowing their vuvuzelas carried me across the miles and I wondered what they would sound like in the cauldron of the stadium in which our boys prepared to do battle. Even as the English scored their first and last goal I was wondering what a vuvuzela would sound like ringing across the plains of the Serengeti. I wondered what a vuvuzela would sound like in the hands of a magnificent Zulu warrior calling his brothers to arms. But as the second half kicked off I was beginning to wonder what a vuvuzela would sound like shoved firmly up the arse of the pain-in-the-butt 'fans' ruining the frickin’ game.
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Tuesday, June 15, 2010
It's All Balls
OK, enough already! Will you all please just get off my kids’ back? The result today had nothing to do with her! Yes, I know she may have given the impression that all six of their goals were the result of her having the hand/eye co-ordination of an English goalkeeper, but please, stop the cries of “Sub-out, retard”. There is no way that a highly trained, elite premier, super academy, ECNL, Divison-1-bound kid like mine would ever make a mistake. So it must have been that new Adidas ball.
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Sunday, May 30, 2010
Out Of State, Out Of (Our) Mind
So, Memorial weekend rolls around once again and we honor our servicemen in the traditional way by making fools of ourselves at youth sports tournaments all across the land of the free and the home of the self-centered. With winter well and truly behind us, we Michiganders like to leave our local rivals behind by driving six hundred miles or so south where we get to play exotic teams like Michigan Rush, Michigan Hawks, Michigan Chill and Michigan Express. I wonder where all the Ohio, Illinois and Indiana teams are this weekend? Detroit, I guess.
Still there’s something fun about frying ourselves in the first really hot weekend of the year. All that pasty white flesh turning brighter and brighter red as we work our way towards the semi-finals safe in the knowledge that the locals will invoke some obscure tournament rule that knocks us out on the fifth level of the tie-break decision making process.
The difference between the women’s game and men’s soccer comes sharply into focus as the girls stand patiently in long lines to the ladies rest room while the guys are done in no time at all and emerge with the sort of self satisfied smile that comes from the realization that the ability to pee standing up is your one advantage in life. I’ve made many an unfortunate ‘friendship’ over the years by being stuck beside some too-much-information type mother of three as we inch our way forward in the line for a call of nature. I well remember one girl who was dancing on her tippy-toes murmuring ‘mommy daddy mommy daddy’. I figured she was either excited to have made the final or was realizing she wasn’t going to make it to the head of the line in time.
For some reason this weekend is also the time a lot of us moms decide to try and dress like we are twenty years younger than we really are. The number of mature women squeezed into bikini tops that are far too small for them is breath taking. It’s almost as if they think that the men folks will be even more attracted to them if they appear to have four boobs instead of just two.
After the games we get to go back to the over-priced hotel mandated by the tournament organizers and marvel at how ill-prepared it is possible to be for “welcoming” a couple of hundred excitable kids. But it’s all forgotten as we take the field once again, harangue the refs, abuse the kids, and remember what this holiday weekend is really all about.
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Still there’s something fun about frying ourselves in the first really hot weekend of the year. All that pasty white flesh turning brighter and brighter red as we work our way towards the semi-finals safe in the knowledge that the locals will invoke some obscure tournament rule that knocks us out on the fifth level of the tie-break decision making process.
The difference between the women’s game and men’s soccer comes sharply into focus as the girls stand patiently in long lines to the ladies rest room while the guys are done in no time at all and emerge with the sort of self satisfied smile that comes from the realization that the ability to pee standing up is your one advantage in life. I’ve made many an unfortunate ‘friendship’ over the years by being stuck beside some too-much-information type mother of three as we inch our way forward in the line for a call of nature. I well remember one girl who was dancing on her tippy-toes murmuring ‘mommy daddy mommy daddy’. I figured she was either excited to have made the final or was realizing she wasn’t going to make it to the head of the line in time.
For some reason this weekend is also the time a lot of us moms decide to try and dress like we are twenty years younger than we really are. The number of mature women squeezed into bikini tops that are far too small for them is breath taking. It’s almost as if they think that the men folks will be even more attracted to them if they appear to have four boobs instead of just two.
After the games we get to go back to the over-priced hotel mandated by the tournament organizers and marvel at how ill-prepared it is possible to be for “welcoming” a couple of hundred excitable kids. But it’s all forgotten as we take the field once again, harangue the refs, abuse the kids, and remember what this holiday weekend is really all about.
Find me on Facebook.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
New Policy
So we have come to my favorite time of year in Michigan youth soccer. The spring season culminates with the boy’s State Cup Finals. The finalists were decided last weekend when everyone hitchhiked up to Saginaw (little S&G reference for all you sixties stoners out there) and, although the quarters and semis are actually over, it feels like they are still being played out on the local on-line forum where the traditional parental sport of ‘refusing to accept the result’ is in full flow.
The last two teams in each of the seven different age groups will fight for the right to call themselves ‘State Cup Champions” for a whole year! Except, of course, the U13 Girls who also have their State Cup in the spring, and for some uniquely hair-brained Michigan reason they will only be fighting for the chance to be State Cup Champions for about four months.
Like most folks, however, I’m absolutely livid that this year’s finals are going to be played on that perfect surface in the air-conditioned, up lighted, confines of the finest indoor soccer arena in North America. As I reluctantly take my seat in one of the 2,000 tiered seats with a perfect view I’ll be reminding every one the State Cup finals should be played in the searing heat with us parents huddled around the rock hard surface and long grass in Farmington Hills (although you have to park in Novi and walk if you want to have any chance of seeing the games). It just won’t be the same without at least one of the games being interrupted by a lightning storm.
The big problem is that from the high of State Cup finals it’s only six days to the low of tryouts for next season where we'll have the ritual torture of kids being cut from teams where they won State medals just the previous weekend. And I know it works both ways with kids voluntarily leaving teams that just took them all the way too. The outcome is that Michigan sends it’s teams off to the Region II Tournament with the solid, team building, all-for-one/one-for-all core of a group of kids who have already been cut or who have already jumped ship.
So to overcome this delicate situation we’ve come up with the idea of not telling the kids they have been cut so that they don’t get discouraged! And coaches will not be allowed to ask their best kids if they are definitely coming back next season to prevent them acting like dicks when their superstars take off to play with someone else’s Academy! How’s that for a solution to a difficult problem? We’ve decided to call this ridiculous new, un-enforceable and hopefully quickly repealed policy “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
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The last two teams in each of the seven different age groups will fight for the right to call themselves ‘State Cup Champions” for a whole year! Except, of course, the U13 Girls who also have their State Cup in the spring, and for some uniquely hair-brained Michigan reason they will only be fighting for the chance to be State Cup Champions for about four months.
Like most folks, however, I’m absolutely livid that this year’s finals are going to be played on that perfect surface in the air-conditioned, up lighted, confines of the finest indoor soccer arena in North America. As I reluctantly take my seat in one of the 2,000 tiered seats with a perfect view I’ll be reminding every one the State Cup finals should be played in the searing heat with us parents huddled around the rock hard surface and long grass in Farmington Hills (although you have to park in Novi and walk if you want to have any chance of seeing the games). It just won’t be the same without at least one of the games being interrupted by a lightning storm.
The big problem is that from the high of State Cup finals it’s only six days to the low of tryouts for next season where we'll have the ritual torture of kids being cut from teams where they won State medals just the previous weekend. And I know it works both ways with kids voluntarily leaving teams that just took them all the way too. The outcome is that Michigan sends it’s teams off to the Region II Tournament with the solid, team building, all-for-one/one-for-all core of a group of kids who have already been cut or who have already jumped ship.
So to overcome this delicate situation we’ve come up with the idea of not telling the kids they have been cut so that they don’t get discouraged! And coaches will not be allowed to ask their best kids if they are definitely coming back next season to prevent them acting like dicks when their superstars take off to play with someone else’s Academy! How’s that for a solution to a difficult problem? We’ve decided to call this ridiculous new, un-enforceable and hopefully quickly repealed policy “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
Find me on Facebook.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Its All Politics
So after years with the same club my daughter has just been told at tryouts that she’s been cut from the team! I’m devastated and I can’t face the thought of facing all those smug bitches that have been waiting for this moment. The only thing worse than a smug soccer player is a smug soccer player’s mother. Hopefully the totally dignified way that I have behaved over the years will stand me in good stead.
I think the one thing that will be clear to every fair and balanced person is that this is obviously a political decision. The facts are there for all to see. She made the team every year under the Bush administration and now she gets cut under the watch of this Obama character. What more can I say? Now I know that I didn’t vote for this evasive foreign jihadist but I was quite prepared to accept the democratic process and give the office of President of the United States it’s due respect, even though the incumbent is a lazy, socialist, sponging, terrorist.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he personally organized the fall of the big banks, and I was still with him even though he himself started the war in Iraq and used his Satanic powers to summon up Hurricane Katrina. Even recently when he set fire to that oil rig in the gulf and helped this Faisal chappy to drive his JAPANESE vehicle into Times Square I still stood by him. And I know that the evidence on the internet that he shot JFK and faked the moon landings is beginning to build up, but I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. Until this week that is, when he started paying back the soccer moms who didn’t vote for him by arranging to get their kids cut.
So at least I was able to console my daughter with the knowledge that it was nothing to do with her and that the true benefit of the polarization of American society is that she’ll always have someone else to blame.
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I think the one thing that will be clear to every fair and balanced person is that this is obviously a political decision. The facts are there for all to see. She made the team every year under the Bush administration and now she gets cut under the watch of this Obama character. What more can I say? Now I know that I didn’t vote for this evasive foreign jihadist but I was quite prepared to accept the democratic process and give the office of President of the United States it’s due respect, even though the incumbent is a lazy, socialist, sponging, terrorist.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he personally organized the fall of the big banks, and I was still with him even though he himself started the war in Iraq and used his Satanic powers to summon up Hurricane Katrina. Even recently when he set fire to that oil rig in the gulf and helped this Faisal chappy to drive his JAPANESE vehicle into Times Square I still stood by him. And I know that the evidence on the internet that he shot JFK and faked the moon landings is beginning to build up, but I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. Until this week that is, when he started paying back the soccer moms who didn’t vote for him by arranging to get their kids cut.
So at least I was able to console my daughter with the knowledge that it was nothing to do with her and that the true benefit of the polarization of American society is that she’ll always have someone else to blame.
Find me on Facebook.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
With God On Our Side
Not a great game for the Michigan Cougars the other night. We play in the adult women’s league but there wasn’t much grown up play going on. The problem is that two of our players aren’t getting along very well at the moment even though they’ve always been the best of friends before now and actually go to the same church.
It seems it all started to go down hill when one of them posted a note on her Facebook status saying that God had abandoned America and would continue to turn his back on us until we woke up, got back to true American values, and dumped this people-defying, socialist President by sending him back to whatever Muslim country it was that he came from. This was at exactly the same time as the other one was posting a note on her Facebook thanking God for giving us a President who actually delivers what he says he would despite the flak he endures, and for restoring American values of inclusion, compassion, and respect around the world.
Since then they’ve been torturing each other about whether God is Blue or Red. Well, maybe not exactly torturing each other, but I guess that depends on how you define torture.
So, when the game started, one of the girls decided she wasn’t going to share the ball with anyone else and was determined to do it all herself. When she finally scored, her teammate insisted she share her goal with the rest of the team. The game itself was getting a little bit physical so one girl decided she’d better sub-out to avoid getting injured because she doesn’t have any health insurance. Her teammate told her to come back on when the new universal healthcare kicks in. That remark was a bit of red flag to a blue bull.
I guess it didn’t help that we were playing a team of Iraqi ex-pats who are just learning the game. The blue girl wanted to get in, kick their butts and get out of there as fast as we could, while the red girl felt we had a responsibility to stick around and help them develop.
While we’ve been squabbling amongst ourselves the rest of the league has been leaving us behind.
If only one of girls could look at the play of the other and say “Good idea” instead of criticizing everything the other side does as a matter of policy then we might start to consider ourselves as a team again. Of course, that’s not how things happen in politics…..I mean religion…….I mean soccer.
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It seems it all started to go down hill when one of them posted a note on her Facebook status saying that God had abandoned America and would continue to turn his back on us until we woke up, got back to true American values, and dumped this people-defying, socialist President by sending him back to whatever Muslim country it was that he came from. This was at exactly the same time as the other one was posting a note on her Facebook thanking God for giving us a President who actually delivers what he says he would despite the flak he endures, and for restoring American values of inclusion, compassion, and respect around the world.
Since then they’ve been torturing each other about whether God is Blue or Red. Well, maybe not exactly torturing each other, but I guess that depends on how you define torture.
So, when the game started, one of the girls decided she wasn’t going to share the ball with anyone else and was determined to do it all herself. When she finally scored, her teammate insisted she share her goal with the rest of the team. The game itself was getting a little bit physical so one girl decided she’d better sub-out to avoid getting injured because she doesn’t have any health insurance. Her teammate told her to come back on when the new universal healthcare kicks in. That remark was a bit of red flag to a blue bull.
I guess it didn’t help that we were playing a team of Iraqi ex-pats who are just learning the game. The blue girl wanted to get in, kick their butts and get out of there as fast as we could, while the red girl felt we had a responsibility to stick around and help them develop.
While we’ve been squabbling amongst ourselves the rest of the league has been leaving us behind.
If only one of girls could look at the play of the other and say “Good idea” instead of criticizing everything the other side does as a matter of policy then we might start to consider ourselves as a team again. Of course, that’s not how things happen in politics…..I mean religion…….I mean soccer.
Find me on Facebook.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
From Our Athletic Director
As the spring sports season gets fully underway, this is an opportune moment to remind all our High School Student Athletes and their wacko parents of some of the key points included in our VWLI Athletic Policy document which you were forced to sign months before you cared about the content:
1 – The Vaguely Worded Loosely Interpreted Policy is the cornerstone upon which the Athletic Department teeters, and has served the vested interests of the school well since it was hurriedly written and pre-dated on the advice of our lawyers. All Student Athletes would be well served to carefully ignore this document until it’s too late to matter.
2 – Participation in high school sports is a privilege bestowed by the school, not a right of young people seeking the health benefits of exercise or the inclusive sense of belonging it brings. Academically challenged students who hope to make a contribution to the school, or who see sport as a route to peer group approval, should clearly understand that they are wasting their time and should go back to playing their video consoles or applying their gothic make up.
3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their final salary pension schemes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport they know nothing about.
4 – Student Athletes should clearly understand the level of commitment required by the carefully selected Nazis who run our programs. Student Athletes who have un-excused absences from practice will be barred from participating for two weeks and will be ritually humiliated by the coach prior to resuming play. The ONLY acceptable excuses for missing practice will be court appearances by members of the Varsity Football team, or participation in the local Gymnastics Club owned and operated by my wife.
5 – Multi-sport participation is allowable and encouraged on the clear understanding that priorities may have to be set. Where there is a conflict between sports all athletes should adhere to the following priority list:
(i) Varsity Football
(ii) Varsity Football
(iii) Varsity Football
(iv) JV Football
(v) Freshman Football
(vi) Men’s Basketball
(vii) Baseball
(viii) Academics
(ix) Any other pissy little sport that no-one cares about.
6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non-school or club sports. Students who participate in club sports would do well to remember our school athletic motto: “We Own Your Ass”. Club sport athletes selected to represent the United States at national level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent the Armpitsville Highschool Chinchillas in the Greater Macomb County Level E Athletic Conference.
7 – Consumption of alcohol, use of recreational drugs, posting of inappropriate pictures on websites, and knocking up the superintendent’s daughter are all grounds for immediate dismissal from all athletic teams unless you are a stud starter on a potential state championship roster.
Student Athletes and their parents who need any clarification on our policy should contact me and I will happily interpret the rules to suit myself. Student Athletes wishing to appeal any decision by the Athletic Department should present a written submission to be considered by an appeals committee consisting of myself.
Yours In Sport
Anthony Selvesentered
Athletic Director
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1 – The Vaguely Worded Loosely Interpreted Policy is the cornerstone upon which the Athletic Department teeters, and has served the vested interests of the school well since it was hurriedly written and pre-dated on the advice of our lawyers. All Student Athletes would be well served to carefully ignore this document until it’s too late to matter.
2 – Participation in high school sports is a privilege bestowed by the school, not a right of young people seeking the health benefits of exercise or the inclusive sense of belonging it brings. Academically challenged students who hope to make a contribution to the school, or who see sport as a route to peer group approval, should clearly understand that they are wasting their time and should go back to playing their video consoles or applying their gothic make up.
3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their final salary pension schemes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport they know nothing about.
4 – Student Athletes should clearly understand the level of commitment required by the carefully selected Nazis who run our programs. Student Athletes who have un-excused absences from practice will be barred from participating for two weeks and will be ritually humiliated by the coach prior to resuming play. The ONLY acceptable excuses for missing practice will be court appearances by members of the Varsity Football team, or participation in the local Gymnastics Club owned and operated by my wife.
5 – Multi-sport participation is allowable and encouraged on the clear understanding that priorities may have to be set. Where there is a conflict between sports all athletes should adhere to the following priority list:
(i) Varsity Football
(ii) Varsity Football
(iii) Varsity Football
(iv) JV Football
(v) Freshman Football
(vi) Men’s Basketball
(vii) Baseball
(viii) Academics
(ix) Any other pissy little sport that no-one cares about.
6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non-school or club sports. Students who participate in club sports would do well to remember our school athletic motto: “We Own Your Ass”. Club sport athletes selected to represent the United States at national level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent the Armpitsville Highschool Chinchillas in the Greater Macomb County Level E Athletic Conference.
7 – Consumption of alcohol, use of recreational drugs, posting of inappropriate pictures on websites, and knocking up the superintendent’s daughter are all grounds for immediate dismissal from all athletic teams unless you are a stud starter on a potential state championship roster.
Student Athletes and their parents who need any clarification on our policy should contact me and I will happily interpret the rules to suit myself. Student Athletes wishing to appeal any decision by the Athletic Department should present a written submission to be considered by an appeals committee consisting of myself.
Yours In Sport
Anthony Selvesentered
Athletic Director
Find me on Facebook.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Big Dance
It’s a sure sign that the World Cup is not far away when FSC has wall-to-wall ads from WorldSoccerShop offering us the chance to display our national pride, faith, and loyalty to the cause, by shelling out sixty bucks on a brand new shirt as worn by our heroes, i.e. Brazil.
I’m not sure how things will go for Uncle Sam’s boys this time around. Either we’ll fail miserably, in which case we’ll be assured by the media that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country” or we’ll end up doing OK in which case we’ll be told that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country”. So, to save some time, I’m going to get started right now with the ideas I’ve picked up from the best-in-class around the world.
Before we can win the men’s world cup we need to have a better showing in the U17 tournament. So, it’s time to take a leaf out of Nigeria’s book! Here is a country that has done consistently well by the simple tactic of using as many twenty-year-old under seventeens as they can find. How difficult can it be?
We need to abandon this crazy ‘college soccer’ nonsense! Not enough great players are coming out of college and all that remains is a bunch of guys who “nearly made it” being left with just a college degree and a decent set of prospects. We should be following the European model where the ‘nearly men’ that don’t make it to the pros can bask in the glory of knowing they helped develop the multi-millionaire players who now sit smugly in the back of the taxi-cab they drive.
We need to rid the country of the biggest oxy-moron in the modern game; “highschool soccer”. Enough already with this crazy notion of loyalty, companionship, fun, rivalry and athleticism all tied in to a level of academic standard and social behavior. The poor level of soccer played in highschool is getting in the way of the aspirations of the tiny percentage of people in this country who actually care about the World Cup.
So, my fellow Americans, lets abandon our national identity in favor of some AfroEurAsian Latin soccer pipedream! If nothing else we’ll have the perfect excuse when we get knocked out in the opening stages in 2014.
Find me on Facebook.
I’m not sure how things will go for Uncle Sam’s boys this time around. Either we’ll fail miserably, in which case we’ll be assured by the media that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country” or we’ll end up doing OK in which case we’ll be told that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country”. So, to save some time, I’m going to get started right now with the ideas I’ve picked up from the best-in-class around the world.
Before we can win the men’s world cup we need to have a better showing in the U17 tournament. So, it’s time to take a leaf out of Nigeria’s book! Here is a country that has done consistently well by the simple tactic of using as many twenty-year-old under seventeens as they can find. How difficult can it be?
We need to abandon this crazy ‘college soccer’ nonsense! Not enough great players are coming out of college and all that remains is a bunch of guys who “nearly made it” being left with just a college degree and a decent set of prospects. We should be following the European model where the ‘nearly men’ that don’t make it to the pros can bask in the glory of knowing they helped develop the multi-millionaire players who now sit smugly in the back of the taxi-cab they drive.
We need to rid the country of the biggest oxy-moron in the modern game; “highschool soccer”. Enough already with this crazy notion of loyalty, companionship, fun, rivalry and athleticism all tied in to a level of academic standard and social behavior. The poor level of soccer played in highschool is getting in the way of the aspirations of the tiny percentage of people in this country who actually care about the World Cup.
So, my fellow Americans, lets abandon our national identity in favor of some AfroEurAsian Latin soccer pipedream! If nothing else we’ll have the perfect excuse when we get knocked out in the opening stages in 2014.
Find me on Facebook.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Cutting Edge Techniques
The Glayser, Jillet & Hocks Partnership is pleased to announce the formation of a new youth soccer club in Michigan. The partnership has purchased the assets of the previously non-profit Homespun Soccer Club, which will be re-launched as Michigan Leverage in the fall 2010 season. By using cutting-edge financial techniques the partnership has been able to purchase the club despite the fact that it does not have any money. Michigan Leverage will borrow money from the recently bailed out AGI Group and will use the cash to buy itself. The loan will be easily serviced provided enough parents continue to pay the new fee structure and none of the kids in the club ever leave, or their parents have to withdraw them due to financial hardship.
The partnership’s business plan calls for them to rack up huge debts by hiring professional coaches from English league outfit Leeds United, and renting every available hour at the Ultimate Star Soccer Complex. In year 3 or 4 of the new club’s existence the plan is to declare bankruptcy at a point in the season where the penalty of a loss of a state cup spot for not being in good standing won’t matter a damn. At that point in the proceedings, one of the partners who bought the club with someone else’s money, and oversaw the fantastic growth in it’s liabilities, will again buy the club out of receivership for a fraction of its value provided AGI agrees to write off it’s debts in a financial technique termed a ‘double whammy’.
Michigan Leverage is pleased to be able to offer the youth soccer players of Michigan, and their parents, the techniques used by only the finest soccer clubs and financial institutions in the world.
The partnership’s business plan calls for them to rack up huge debts by hiring professional coaches from English league outfit Leeds United, and renting every available hour at the Ultimate Star Soccer Complex. In year 3 or 4 of the new club’s existence the plan is to declare bankruptcy at a point in the season where the penalty of a loss of a state cup spot for not being in good standing won’t matter a damn. At that point in the proceedings, one of the partners who bought the club with someone else’s money, and oversaw the fantastic growth in it’s liabilities, will again buy the club out of receivership for a fraction of its value provided AGI agrees to write off it’s debts in a financial technique termed a ‘double whammy’.
Michigan Leverage is pleased to be able to offer the youth soccer players of Michigan, and their parents, the techniques used by only the finest soccer clubs and financial institutions in the world.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Stock Market News
Shares in Bridgetone/Firelone shot up today on news of the financial success of the tire manufacturer’s latest recycling program. Under the innovative system the company first sells their product to the consumer and then charges them a second time when the tires need to be replaced, citing a “responsible disposal” cost. The worn tires are then ground up into a finely crumbled format and sold for a third time to the producers of the artificial soccer fields much beloved by the great American middle class. From there the crumbled tire particles attach themselves to the cleats, socks, bags and warm-ups of the nation’s six million unsuspecting soccer players before final distribution into frustratingly annoying little piles on the back seats of their parents expensive vehicles, and on the floors of their bathrooms, bedrooms and family rooms. Announcing record quarterly profits, company spokesman Weasley Nickendyme commented “We as a company are highly focused on green issues”.
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