Press Release

The Michigan State Youth Soccer Federation announces today that it will launch a pilot program of mandatory substance testing starting in the fall 2009 season. The success of the pilot will be assessed before the scheme is rolled out state wide with a tentative introduction date of spring 2010. The pilot program will focus on the U13 Girls division and will feature random testing at all league, premier and state cup games. Commenting on the system, MSYSF Director Of Mis-Administration, Todd Phuckitup said “We didn’t think we had a big problem here in Michigan but if you listen to some of the things the parents in this age group say it’s clear that they must be on drugs”. Clubs will be entitled to levy additional charges for the cost of having the coach collect a urine sample from parents prior to each game. The program will be marketed under the banner “Michigan – Taking The Piss!”

From The Notional Enquirer

A youth soccer program on the west coast has been revealed as a thinly veiled cover for a shocking parental wife-swapping lifestyle. These sick parents would routinely take their kids to out-of-town soccer tournaments and meet in their hotel lobby after packing the players off to bed under the premise of them getting a good night’s rest. Then they would draw “Player Passcards” from a pack held by the so-called ‘Team Mother’ and hook up with opposite gender parent of that player. The depraved scheme came to light when one parent threatened to sue the club after she was paired up with the father of a B team player who was subbing with the team for the weekend. Robert Slimeball of the law firm Sue, Cheatem & Spend, acting on behalf of parent Sonia Insayshabal, state that their client is an A team quality superstar and shouldn’t be expected to have to put up with the B team performance of the hapless father who was subbed in during the second period of double overtime. They further state that their client is quite happy to ‘play up’ but shouldn’t have to ‘play down’. Counsel for the defendant state that the club has always been focused on long-term development over short-term results.

Invitation

You are invited to attend a celebration dinner to mark the achievement of Landon Donovan being awarded the 2009 Hope Solo Trophy for the player who best exemplifies what being a team player is all about. The dinner will be held at the home of David Beckham. BYOB.

Summer Time

Some of you crazy parents just don’t get it. Even those girlie-men that play in that stupid Premiership thingy over in depressingly gray England understand that summer is the OFF SEASON. The pros over there realize that this is not the time to be playing in tournaments. For them, summer is the time to demonstrate your loyalty to the team by having your agent hawk your ass to any club willing to pay you more than your current obscene earnings. Summer is the time to trade in your old WAG for one that has actually had a hit record in the last five years or so. Summer is the time when newspaper stories of you being arrested for soliciting in a men’s restroom on Clapham common can be relegated to page five.

So if it’s good enough for the so-called professionals what is with you nutcase parents forcing your kids to play soccer in the summer heat?

Responsible parents like me understand the need for some R’n’R so that our kids can give their best when the real stuff starts up again. We will be taking a well earned family break from soccer with a nice European holiday where the only balls on view will be in the tightly packed speedos worn by the greasy bums on the beach in St. Tropez.

The only problem we have is in finding a time when all of us can be together.

By some miracle my hapless son’s academy team has made the national finals, which has kept them training three times a week ahead of the games this weekend. That’s nearly two months longer than his normal season before I purchased him a spot on the team which uses these ‘best practice’ techniques. I also heard a whisper that some totally blind selector might name him to his conference select team to play against the Youth National Team after the championship is over, so now I have no idea when he is going to be available for a vacation – especially since his high school coach is already on the phone day and night trying to get him to go to the illegal pre-season training sessions he’s doing behind closed doors at the dome.

My eldest daughter is, of course, heading into her senior year. At the moment the only offer she has is as a possible walk on at the division four University Of Last Resort in Snowshoe, PA. Given the money we have spent on soccer for her these last ten years I am still hopeful of getting her into UoM, State, or Oakland. Before I resort to using my feminine charms I’m making one last financial bid by having her go to all three college’s summer camps this year so that she can (metaphorically) kiss the ass of the head coaches in person.

My youngest (aka “The Protégé”) is, of course, a very busy little girl. With morning classes in proprioceptive movement and spatial awareness, afternoons with her personal foot skills trainer, and evenings in the weight room, we already struggle to find the time to get her to her therapist on time. I hate to boast, but for a six year old she handles it all very well, and though she hides it quite well I think she’s missing her teammates who are playing in those stupid summer tournaments.

Having said all that, it looks like we will have time to be together in the first week in August which is really cool because we can be in St. Tropez just in time for the beach soccer tournament they are holding!

Need Your Advice

So what should a responsible parent like me do when the coach is clearly making some mistakes? I’m not sure whether I should take the softly-softly approach or just come right out and let him know that I’m going to tell his wife about that time in the Comfort Inn, Toledo, OH at the Best Of The Mundane tournament if he doesn’t get his act together.

The problem is tactical. He insists on playing a flat back line when a sweeper with breaking wingbacks on the counter is clearly called for. Our holding mid is playing a little too deeply so our transition time is not all it can be because our line of confrontation isn’t far enough into zone of initial impact. To be fair he has adopted a modern ‘one up top’ strategy but is using her as a target player when she should be playing with her back to goal, holding the ball, and then laying it off to the countering wide mids before pushing into the point of maximum opportunity. The girl playing in the hole behind the target is trying hard but isn’t being supported by the type of total football player required for this strategy.

If he could just sort this out we’d be one of the best U6 girls teams in the Midwest.

Tips For New Parents

If you are the parent of a new kid on an established team you need to make a good impression when you first meet the rest of the parents. Don’t make the mistake of just going up, introducing yourself, and then talking non-stop about your daughter. They’ll hate you for that and think you are a threat to their kid’s spot on the team. It’s much better to open the conversation by asking a question. That way you’ll come across as a little bit vulnerable and they can feel all superior by giving you the information you need. Here are some sample questions that I’ve used to endear myself to the parents of our new teams over the years:

Did your daughter forget her glasses today?
How long have you been putting up with this goalkeeper?
Did you guys ever win before we joined the team?
Who is the slut in the red tank top?
How are the anger management classes working out?
How can they afford this club?
Is the coach really as well endowed as your wife says?

Drop me an email if you need any more advice.

Press Release

Fox Television today confirms that it has secured the exclusive broadcast television rights to the on-screen version of the famed soccer blog FullRideSoon. The show will broadcast this summer season and will expose a wider American audience to the insanity widely prevalent in the close knit, dysfunctional soccer community. Opening episodes will feature ‘Tryouts’ in which potential team players and their desperate parents are mentally abused by a process widely considered to be the youth sports equivalent of water boarding. In a departure from run-of-the-mill reality shows, the participants will be forced to sit by the telephone for up to ten days before finding out if they have been selected. Additional twists include last minute phone calls to successful candidates to tell them that the coach has changed his mind.

Subsequent episodes will focus on the mental anguish suffered by pre-teen girls as they face the dilemma of playing a team sport in which they are also deadly rivals with their teammates for the single spot on the ODP roster which is the show’s ultimate prize. Audiences will be delighted to watch the girls refuse to pass the ball to each other as their parents stab each other in the back at every opportunity.

Fox has recruited BJ Gonzalez as the team’s coach. With his gimpy leg, shock of red hair, and 250 lb frame, Gonzalez is widely regarded as one of the most physically repulsive coaches in US soccer. The show’s highlight is expected to be when one of the mothers finally gets desperate enough to throw herself at him.

FullRideSoon is the creation of Michigan mother of three Phillipa Rideson, generally considered the only sane soccer parent in the nation.