Congratulations to the winners of the 2009 US Youth Soccer national championship series! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!
Congratulations to the winners of the US Club Soccer 2009 National Champions Cup VIII! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!
Congratulations to the winners of the 2009 USYSA Presidents Cup - the national non-champion championship! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS
Congratulations to the winners of the USSF Development Academy National Championship! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.
All you youth soccer players owe a big vote of thanks to the adults who fight and bitch tirelessly with each other on your behalf to fracture the soccer community into a finely tuned rabble of competitive entities instead of one of those crazy, big-government, fully integrated programs that all those successful soccer nations have. Let’s be proud that in the USA anybody can be president, and everybody can be national soccer champion.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
High Tech Soccer
I got talking with one of the other parents on my daughter’s team at practice last night. To be honest I had always pretty much ignored this dude in the past because I thought he was such a geek, but it seems I may have been wrong. He tells me his is working on something called a ‘software algorithm’ that allows him to play out youth soccer games on his computer with a 98.7% accuracy rating! How cool is that? At this point I was so taken with the fellow that I invited him back to my place to discuss it further, but he said something about a re-run of episode 7 season 4 of Star Trek TNG being on cable that he had to see.
But anyway, his computer program considers all the relevant factors. For example, if a team is able to recruit players from a team that finished higher than them last season they should obviously improve right? The guy uses these transfers to generate a factor which he calls Poaching Pointers in his program. He also uses something called the Dick Factor to account for what he calls the A-Hole Ratio in the coach’s approach to the game. These two items are then multiplied by a figure called the Payment Expectation Factor which relates to how much money the parents are prepared to invest in the team. This sum is then subtracted from the number of kids on the team who are in therapy and applied to the game itself being played on the Reality Distortion Field, which must be that new soccer complex over in Macomb County.
For state of the art parents like me this type of tool is going to be essential in the future. Some other poor deluded parent on the team suggested we could just let the kids play the games and see what happens, but where’s the fun in that?
But anyway, his computer program considers all the relevant factors. For example, if a team is able to recruit players from a team that finished higher than them last season they should obviously improve right? The guy uses these transfers to generate a factor which he calls Poaching Pointers in his program. He also uses something called the Dick Factor to account for what he calls the A-Hole Ratio in the coach’s approach to the game. These two items are then multiplied by a figure called the Payment Expectation Factor which relates to how much money the parents are prepared to invest in the team. This sum is then subtracted from the number of kids on the team who are in therapy and applied to the game itself being played on the Reality Distortion Field, which must be that new soccer complex over in Macomb County.
For state of the art parents like me this type of tool is going to be essential in the future. Some other poor deluded parent on the team suggested we could just let the kids play the games and see what happens, but where’s the fun in that?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Enhancing Your Soccer Experience
Get more out of the game by attending one of the Federated Union of Coaches and Knowledgeable United Parents fine soccer seminars. Presented by a distinguished panel of experts these seminars are designed to help you get the best out of the game by appreciating the subtleties lost on the average parent.
In the opening session Ms Penny Pincher CPA will outline how a deep trawl through the certified accounts of non-profit organizations can help you overcome the fact that your own kid’s team had their ass handed to them by more expensive clubs. Using her tried and trusted techniques of rampant speculation you will find the pain of defeat gradually assuaged as you realize that the goals your team gave up are a direct result of financial impropriety and mismanagement on the part of the cheating bastards.
Professor of Psychiatry at the University Of Diminished Responsibility, Doctor Colin Hedphuck, will then present a paper in which he uses examples of personal tragedies experienced by impressionable young women to allow sanctimonious parents to adopt a smug superior attitude. Doctor Hedphuck’s paper is entitled “There But For The Grace Of God” and will be his last major public appearance before he takes a year off to work on his theory that there is absolutely no parental responsibility for the link between inappropriate dress standards, blatant sexual lyrics in modern music, simulated sexual acts in music videos, sexting on social networks, un-chaperoned training sessions, and the growth of inappropriate relationships between authority figures and their charges.
An international flavor will be provided by Elbonian Justice Minister, Maddog Castrator, who will float the idea that the USA should adopt his country’s process of summary justice and move straight to the sentencing phase as soon as an accusation is made against a soccer coach. The minister will suggest to the audience that America’s use of due process is a mistake and that the small percentage of convictions in his country which are subsequently shown to be false are a price worth paying.
A parents only workshop on the threat of alcohol consumption by soccer coaches will be held in the bar at lunchtime.
If time permits in the evening, a youth soccer game may be played and viewed by seminar participants, but this is subject to cancellation if more important issues arise.
In the opening session Ms Penny Pincher CPA will outline how a deep trawl through the certified accounts of non-profit organizations can help you overcome the fact that your own kid’s team had their ass handed to them by more expensive clubs. Using her tried and trusted techniques of rampant speculation you will find the pain of defeat gradually assuaged as you realize that the goals your team gave up are a direct result of financial impropriety and mismanagement on the part of the cheating bastards.
Professor of Psychiatry at the University Of Diminished Responsibility, Doctor Colin Hedphuck, will then present a paper in which he uses examples of personal tragedies experienced by impressionable young women to allow sanctimonious parents to adopt a smug superior attitude. Doctor Hedphuck’s paper is entitled “There But For The Grace Of God” and will be his last major public appearance before he takes a year off to work on his theory that there is absolutely no parental responsibility for the link between inappropriate dress standards, blatant sexual lyrics in modern music, simulated sexual acts in music videos, sexting on social networks, un-chaperoned training sessions, and the growth of inappropriate relationships between authority figures and their charges.
An international flavor will be provided by Elbonian Justice Minister, Maddog Castrator, who will float the idea that the USA should adopt his country’s process of summary justice and move straight to the sentencing phase as soon as an accusation is made against a soccer coach. The minister will suggest to the audience that America’s use of due process is a mistake and that the small percentage of convictions in his country which are subsequently shown to be false are a price worth paying.
A parents only workshop on the threat of alcohol consumption by soccer coaches will be held in the bar at lunchtime.
If time permits in the evening, a youth soccer game may be played and viewed by seminar participants, but this is subject to cancellation if more important issues arise.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Tournament Flyer
Bring your team to the 25th annual “It’s All Balls” soccer tournament in Downersville, OH.
Played on 25 acres of undulating cow pasture reclaimed from the former Union Barhide chemical plant, the fields have grown into one of the state’s leading causes of injury for elite youth soccer players. We have the finest crews of partisan referees in the Midwest and use state of the art computer analysis to ensure balanced competition and that our local teams always make it to the final. The cost is a very reasonable $350 for all USYSA registered teams with a $100 discount for local teams and a $200 surcharge for Michigan teams. Hotel accommodations will be handled exclusively by our partners at Kickback Motels, whom we are pleased to announce have put last year’s cockroach issue behind them.
Wildcard qualification will be at the whim of our technical director and our exclusive ‘flexible rules’ approach will ensure lots of last minute excitement as we make it up as we go along. Security services will be provided by Big Vicious Dogs Inc, whose trained staff will ensure your comfort by removing any parent who cottens on to the fact that they are being fleeced. “It’s All Balls” is a ranking tournament thanks to the sterling efforts of our DOC Danny Nevaplaid whose years of impartial analysis have resulted in his teams being rated #1 in the state for the past 17 years.
Refunds for withdrawals made 6 weeks prior to the tournament start date will be granted subject to a $100 return fee, a $50 service charge, and a $200 insurance levy. Teams seeking a refund for games cancelled due to weather conditions can go fuck themselves. We look forward to being of service to you!
Played on 25 acres of undulating cow pasture reclaimed from the former Union Barhide chemical plant, the fields have grown into one of the state’s leading causes of injury for elite youth soccer players. We have the finest crews of partisan referees in the Midwest and use state of the art computer analysis to ensure balanced competition and that our local teams always make it to the final. The cost is a very reasonable $350 for all USYSA registered teams with a $100 discount for local teams and a $200 surcharge for Michigan teams. Hotel accommodations will be handled exclusively by our partners at Kickback Motels, whom we are pleased to announce have put last year’s cockroach issue behind them.
Wildcard qualification will be at the whim of our technical director and our exclusive ‘flexible rules’ approach will ensure lots of last minute excitement as we make it up as we go along. Security services will be provided by Big Vicious Dogs Inc, whose trained staff will ensure your comfort by removing any parent who cottens on to the fact that they are being fleeced. “It’s All Balls” is a ranking tournament thanks to the sterling efforts of our DOC Danny Nevaplaid whose years of impartial analysis have resulted in his teams being rated #1 in the state for the past 17 years.
Refunds for withdrawals made 6 weeks prior to the tournament start date will be granted subject to a $100 return fee, a $50 service charge, and a $200 insurance levy. Teams seeking a refund for games cancelled due to weather conditions can go fuck themselves. We look forward to being of service to you!
Monday, July 27, 2009
My Most Humble Apologies
I guess this is what happens when you put the power of this interweb net thingy in the hands of us little mid-western girls; all those prejudices that we didn’t know we had come rushing to the fore. Thankfully we have a world wide web of helpful folks who can tell us exactly what we were thinking and steer us back onto the right track. Having carefully read the points you have made I can see now that a number of humble apologies are in order and I am more than happy to let you have them.
I apologize to the gay community for the use of the phrase “set up those colorful cones in pretty little patterns”. At the time I thought this was just a funny little dig at soccer coaches but with your wise insight I can see now that this was a hateful slur and I fully deserve your contempt.
Thanks also for pointing out that my use of the term “we parents” is a clear indication of my inbred notion that only two parent families are the appropriate way to raise children. I was not aware of my short comings in this respect but I am grateful for your ability to read the true meaning into my words. Given that I have already shown my anti-gay prejudice, it must be clear to everyone that I am also guilty of anti-same-sex-marriage intolerance and if it wasn’t for my raging anti-deviant bias I would ask you all to spank me for adopting this position.
Mostly, of course, I have to apologize to the manufacturer of the food products who has been defamed by the fact that I have a sister in Nebraska whose name we cannot now mention in these enlightened days. To be honest, when my son’s soccer coach told me that he wanted to smear the manufacturer’s maple syrup all over me and lick it off, I just thought he was being a sexist. However, your wisdom has revealed to me the deeply racist motives in his actions. Thankfully you pointed this out to me before I let the horny little bastard do his thing.
I apologize to the gay community for the use of the phrase “set up those colorful cones in pretty little patterns”. At the time I thought this was just a funny little dig at soccer coaches but with your wise insight I can see now that this was a hateful slur and I fully deserve your contempt.
Thanks also for pointing out that my use of the term “we parents” is a clear indication of my inbred notion that only two parent families are the appropriate way to raise children. I was not aware of my short comings in this respect but I am grateful for your ability to read the true meaning into my words. Given that I have already shown my anti-gay prejudice, it must be clear to everyone that I am also guilty of anti-same-sex-marriage intolerance and if it wasn’t for my raging anti-deviant bias I would ask you all to spank me for adopting this position.
Mostly, of course, I have to apologize to the manufacturer of the food products who has been defamed by the fact that I have a sister in Nebraska whose name we cannot now mention in these enlightened days. To be honest, when my son’s soccer coach told me that he wanted to smear the manufacturer’s maple syrup all over me and lick it off, I just thought he was being a sexist. However, your wisdom has revealed to me the deeply racist motives in his actions. Thankfully you pointed this out to me before I let the horny little bastard do his thing.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
English Accent = B License?
I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it sounds like we Michigan parents are a little bit more discerning when it comes to assessing a potential coach for our budding superstars. We don’t equate the coach’s accent with a license equivalent. Instead we use their accent to gage the character of the “man” we are getting.
For example, an English accent is a pretty sure sign that we can rely on the coach to adopt a superior, know-it-all attitude but never actually win anything – a little bit like the English men’s national team when you think about it.
On the other hand if we are looking for a coach who will be a role model for the kids in terms of demonstrating how to make a successful life in spite of being a 5’ 3” red head with mis-spelt tattoos and bad teeth, then we look for a Scottish accent. These guys are also great at teaching the kids how to fight with the linesman and can be relied on to try manfully, but unsuccessfully, to bed every mother on the team.
A fun loving coach with a constant bewildered look on his face is most likely to have a Irish lilt, and neatly arranged rows of color coordinated marker cones are usually the work of a German accented tutor. If I was looking for a coach who can stop the conversation dead in it’s tracks then I would seek one whose opening line is always “When I played back home in Iraq……”.
Finally of course, if I’m looking for someone who insists on being called “Coach” twenty years after he retires, who wouldn’t recognize ‘goalside’ if it sat on his face, and whose solution to every issue is to increase the amount of conditioning the kids do, then I’ll pick one with a nice, reassuring American accent.
For example, an English accent is a pretty sure sign that we can rely on the coach to adopt a superior, know-it-all attitude but never actually win anything – a little bit like the English men’s national team when you think about it.
On the other hand if we are looking for a coach who will be a role model for the kids in terms of demonstrating how to make a successful life in spite of being a 5’ 3” red head with mis-spelt tattoos and bad teeth, then we look for a Scottish accent. These guys are also great at teaching the kids how to fight with the linesman and can be relied on to try manfully, but unsuccessfully, to bed every mother on the team.
A fun loving coach with a constant bewildered look on his face is most likely to have a Irish lilt, and neatly arranged rows of color coordinated marker cones are usually the work of a German accented tutor. If I was looking for a coach who can stop the conversation dead in it’s tracks then I would seek one whose opening line is always “When I played back home in Iraq……”.
Finally of course, if I’m looking for someone who insists on being called “Coach” twenty years after he retires, who wouldn’t recognize ‘goalside’ if it sat on his face, and whose solution to every issue is to increase the amount of conditioning the kids do, then I’ll pick one with a nice, reassuring American accent.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Things I Wish The Coach Would Understand
1 – The modern soccer parent chooses to communicate with you through the medium of a public web-based soccer forum. You should not expect to have any direct conversation with us or have any clue about who is actually posting any criticism of you. We’ll be nice to your face in order to keep our kid on the team but part of the deal is that we get to anonymously ridicule you to the rest of the soccer community. Deal with it.
2 – Unless you regularly deliver state cups followed by deep runs into the regional and national post seasons, you must accept that you have gotten the ratio of technical to tactical training totally wrong and we as parents could see that all along.
3 – You must understand that our kids also play baseball, go to school, have church committments, and occasionally will visit with their Aunt Jemima from Nebraska. With this in mind we expect that you will be at the practice field 30 minutes early to set up those colorful cones in pretty little patterns just in case we should decide to actually show up.
4 – We also expect you to be at the games 45 minutes early so that we have enough time to demand changes to your starting line up.
5 – Please do not get the impression that, just because we have chosen to join your team and are paying you handsomely to teach our kids, we have any faith in your ability to actually do the job.
2 – Unless you regularly deliver state cups followed by deep runs into the regional and national post seasons, you must accept that you have gotten the ratio of technical to tactical training totally wrong and we as parents could see that all along.
3 – You must understand that our kids also play baseball, go to school, have church committments, and occasionally will visit with their Aunt Jemima from Nebraska. With this in mind we expect that you will be at the practice field 30 minutes early to set up those colorful cones in pretty little patterns just in case we should decide to actually show up.
4 – We also expect you to be at the games 45 minutes early so that we have enough time to demand changes to your starting line up.
5 – Please do not get the impression that, just because we have chosen to join your team and are paying you handsomely to teach our kids, we have any faith in your ability to actually do the job.
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