Not a great game for the Michigan Cougars the other night. We play in the adult women’s league but there wasn’t much grown up play going on. The problem is that two of our players aren’t getting along very well at the moment even though they’ve always been the best of friends before now and actually go to the same church.
It seems it all started to go down hill when one of them posted a note on her Facebook status saying that God had abandoned America and would continue to turn his back on us until we woke up, got back to true American values, and dumped this people-defying, socialist President by sending him back to whatever Muslim country it was that he came from. This was at exactly the same time as the other one was posting a note on her Facebook thanking God for giving us a President who actually delivers what he says he would despite the flak he endures, and for restoring American values of inclusion, compassion, and respect around the world.
Since then they’ve been torturing each other about whether God is Blue or Red. Well, maybe not exactly torturing each other, but I guess that depends on how you define torture.
So, when the game started, one of the girls decided she wasn’t going to share the ball with anyone else and was determined to do it all herself. When she finally scored, her teammate insisted she share her goal with the rest of the team. The game itself was getting a little bit physical so one girl decided she’d better sub-out to avoid getting injured because she doesn’t have any health insurance. Her teammate told her to come back on when the new universal healthcare kicks in. That remark was a bit of red flag to a blue bull.
I guess it didn’t help that we were playing a team of Iraqi ex-pats who are just learning the game. The blue girl wanted to get in, kick their butts and get out of there as fast as we could, while the red girl felt we had a responsibility to stick around and help them develop.
While we’ve been squabbling amongst ourselves the rest of the league has been leaving us behind.
If only one of girls could look at the play of the other and say “Good idea” instead of criticizing everything the other side does as a matter of policy then we might start to consider ourselves as a team again. Of course, that’s not how things happen in politics…..I mean religion…….I mean soccer.
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Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
From Our Athletic Director
As the spring sports season gets fully underway, this is an opportune moment to remind all our High School Student Athletes and their wacko parents of some of the key points included in our VWLI Athletic Policy document which you were forced to sign months before you cared about the content:
1 – The Vaguely Worded Loosely Interpreted Policy is the cornerstone upon which the Athletic Department teeters, and has served the vested interests of the school well since it was hurriedly written and pre-dated on the advice of our lawyers. All Student Athletes would be well served to carefully ignore this document until it’s too late to matter.
2 – Participation in high school sports is a privilege bestowed by the school, not a right of young people seeking the health benefits of exercise or the inclusive sense of belonging it brings. Academically challenged students who hope to make a contribution to the school, or who see sport as a route to peer group approval, should clearly understand that they are wasting their time and should go back to playing their video consoles or applying their gothic make up.
3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their final salary pension schemes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport they know nothing about.
4 – Student Athletes should clearly understand the level of commitment required by the carefully selected Nazis who run our programs. Student Athletes who have un-excused absences from practice will be barred from participating for two weeks and will be ritually humiliated by the coach prior to resuming play. The ONLY acceptable excuses for missing practice will be court appearances by members of the Varsity Football team, or participation in the local Gymnastics Club owned and operated by my wife.
5 – Multi-sport participation is allowable and encouraged on the clear understanding that priorities may have to be set. Where there is a conflict between sports all athletes should adhere to the following priority list:
(i) Varsity Football
(ii) Varsity Football
(iii) Varsity Football
(iv) JV Football
(v) Freshman Football
(vi) Men’s Basketball
(vii) Baseball
(viii) Academics
(ix) Any other pissy little sport that no-one cares about.
6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non-school or club sports. Students who participate in club sports would do well to remember our school athletic motto: “We Own Your Ass”. Club sport athletes selected to represent the United States at national level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent the Armpitsville Highschool Chinchillas in the Greater Macomb County Level E Athletic Conference.
7 – Consumption of alcohol, use of recreational drugs, posting of inappropriate pictures on websites, and knocking up the superintendent’s daughter are all grounds for immediate dismissal from all athletic teams unless you are a stud starter on a potential state championship roster.
Student Athletes and their parents who need any clarification on our policy should contact me and I will happily interpret the rules to suit myself. Student Athletes wishing to appeal any decision by the Athletic Department should present a written submission to be considered by an appeals committee consisting of myself.
Yours In Sport
Anthony Selvesentered
Athletic Director
Find me on Facebook.
1 – The Vaguely Worded Loosely Interpreted Policy is the cornerstone upon which the Athletic Department teeters, and has served the vested interests of the school well since it was hurriedly written and pre-dated on the advice of our lawyers. All Student Athletes would be well served to carefully ignore this document until it’s too late to matter.
2 – Participation in high school sports is a privilege bestowed by the school, not a right of young people seeking the health benefits of exercise or the inclusive sense of belonging it brings. Academically challenged students who hope to make a contribution to the school, or who see sport as a route to peer group approval, should clearly understand that they are wasting their time and should go back to playing their video consoles or applying their gothic make up.
3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their final salary pension schemes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport they know nothing about.
4 – Student Athletes should clearly understand the level of commitment required by the carefully selected Nazis who run our programs. Student Athletes who have un-excused absences from practice will be barred from participating for two weeks and will be ritually humiliated by the coach prior to resuming play. The ONLY acceptable excuses for missing practice will be court appearances by members of the Varsity Football team, or participation in the local Gymnastics Club owned and operated by my wife.
5 – Multi-sport participation is allowable and encouraged on the clear understanding that priorities may have to be set. Where there is a conflict between sports all athletes should adhere to the following priority list:
(i) Varsity Football
(ii) Varsity Football
(iii) Varsity Football
(iv) JV Football
(v) Freshman Football
(vi) Men’s Basketball
(vii) Baseball
(viii) Academics
(ix) Any other pissy little sport that no-one cares about.
6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non-school or club sports. Students who participate in club sports would do well to remember our school athletic motto: “We Own Your Ass”. Club sport athletes selected to represent the United States at national level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent the Armpitsville Highschool Chinchillas in the Greater Macomb County Level E Athletic Conference.
7 – Consumption of alcohol, use of recreational drugs, posting of inappropriate pictures on websites, and knocking up the superintendent’s daughter are all grounds for immediate dismissal from all athletic teams unless you are a stud starter on a potential state championship roster.
Student Athletes and their parents who need any clarification on our policy should contact me and I will happily interpret the rules to suit myself. Student Athletes wishing to appeal any decision by the Athletic Department should present a written submission to be considered by an appeals committee consisting of myself.
Yours In Sport
Anthony Selvesentered
Athletic Director
Find me on Facebook.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Big Dance
It’s a sure sign that the World Cup is not far away when FSC has wall-to-wall ads from WorldSoccerShop offering us the chance to display our national pride, faith, and loyalty to the cause, by shelling out sixty bucks on a brand new shirt as worn by our heroes, i.e. Brazil.
I’m not sure how things will go for Uncle Sam’s boys this time around. Either we’ll fail miserably, in which case we’ll be assured by the media that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country” or we’ll end up doing OK in which case we’ll be told that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country”. So, to save some time, I’m going to get started right now with the ideas I’ve picked up from the best-in-class around the world.
Before we can win the men’s world cup we need to have a better showing in the U17 tournament. So, it’s time to take a leaf out of Nigeria’s book! Here is a country that has done consistently well by the simple tactic of using as many twenty-year-old under seventeens as they can find. How difficult can it be?
We need to abandon this crazy ‘college soccer’ nonsense! Not enough great players are coming out of college and all that remains is a bunch of guys who “nearly made it” being left with just a college degree and a decent set of prospects. We should be following the European model where the ‘nearly men’ that don’t make it to the pros can bask in the glory of knowing they helped develop the multi-millionaire players who now sit smugly in the back of the taxi-cab they drive.
We need to rid the country of the biggest oxy-moron in the modern game; “highschool soccer”. Enough already with this crazy notion of loyalty, companionship, fun, rivalry and athleticism all tied in to a level of academic standard and social behavior. The poor level of soccer played in highschool is getting in the way of the aspirations of the tiny percentage of people in this country who actually care about the World Cup.
So, my fellow Americans, lets abandon our national identity in favor of some AfroEurAsian Latin soccer pipedream! If nothing else we’ll have the perfect excuse when we get knocked out in the opening stages in 2014.
Find me on Facebook.
I’m not sure how things will go for Uncle Sam’s boys this time around. Either we’ll fail miserably, in which case we’ll be assured by the media that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country” or we’ll end up doing OK in which case we’ll be told that it’s time for a “radical re-think of how we run soccer in this country”. So, to save some time, I’m going to get started right now with the ideas I’ve picked up from the best-in-class around the world.
Before we can win the men’s world cup we need to have a better showing in the U17 tournament. So, it’s time to take a leaf out of Nigeria’s book! Here is a country that has done consistently well by the simple tactic of using as many twenty-year-old under seventeens as they can find. How difficult can it be?
We need to abandon this crazy ‘college soccer’ nonsense! Not enough great players are coming out of college and all that remains is a bunch of guys who “nearly made it” being left with just a college degree and a decent set of prospects. We should be following the European model where the ‘nearly men’ that don’t make it to the pros can bask in the glory of knowing they helped develop the multi-millionaire players who now sit smugly in the back of the taxi-cab they drive.
We need to rid the country of the biggest oxy-moron in the modern game; “highschool soccer”. Enough already with this crazy notion of loyalty, companionship, fun, rivalry and athleticism all tied in to a level of academic standard and social behavior. The poor level of soccer played in highschool is getting in the way of the aspirations of the tiny percentage of people in this country who actually care about the World Cup.
So, my fellow Americans, lets abandon our national identity in favor of some AfroEurAsian Latin soccer pipedream! If nothing else we’ll have the perfect excuse when we get knocked out in the opening stages in 2014.
Find me on Facebook.
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