The Glayser, Jillet & Hocks Partnership is pleased to announce the formation of a new youth soccer club in Michigan. The partnership has purchased the assets of the previously non-profit Homespun Soccer Club, which will be re-launched as Michigan Leverage in the fall 2010 season. By using cutting-edge financial techniques the partnership has been able to purchase the club despite the fact that it does not have any money. Michigan Leverage will borrow money from the recently bailed out AGI Group and will use the cash to buy itself. The loan will be easily serviced provided enough parents continue to pay the new fee structure and none of the kids in the club ever leave, or their parents have to withdraw them due to financial hardship.
The partnership’s business plan calls for them to rack up huge debts by hiring professional coaches from English league outfit Leeds United, and renting every available hour at the Ultimate Star Soccer Complex. In year 3 or 4 of the new club’s existence the plan is to declare bankruptcy at a point in the season where the penalty of a loss of a state cup spot for not being in good standing won’t matter a damn. At that point in the proceedings, one of the partners who bought the club with someone else’s money, and oversaw the fantastic growth in it’s liabilities, will again buy the club out of receivership for a fraction of its value provided AGI agrees to write off it’s debts in a financial technique termed a ‘double whammy’.
Michigan Leverage is pleased to be able to offer the youth soccer players of Michigan, and their parents, the techniques used by only the finest soccer clubs and financial institutions in the world.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Stock Market News
Shares in Bridgetone/Firelone shot up today on news of the financial success of the tire manufacturer’s latest recycling program. Under the innovative system the company first sells their product to the consumer and then charges them a second time when the tires need to be replaced, citing a “responsible disposal” cost. The worn tires are then ground up into a finely crumbled format and sold for a third time to the producers of the artificial soccer fields much beloved by the great American middle class. From there the crumbled tire particles attach themselves to the cleats, socks, bags and warm-ups of the nation’s six million unsuspecting soccer players before final distribution into frustratingly annoying little piles on the back seats of their parents expensive vehicles, and on the floors of their bathrooms, bedrooms and family rooms. Announcing record quarterly profits, company spokesman Weasley Nickendyme commented “We as a company are highly focused on green issues”.
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Friday, March 12, 2010
More Girl Power
There’s a rumor sweeping the club that my eldest daughter’s new coach is going to be a woman!
I’ve got to say that my first reaction was “over my dead body” but the more I think about it, I’m starting to think that it might not be so very bad. It could actually be a fun to have a situation where half the parents are lusting after the coach instead of the coach lusting after half the parents.
The girls on the team should find some benefits too. For example they can talk to the new coach about their menstrual cycle, which is something they never could do with the current dude, even though he constantly behaves like he has a severe case of PMS. It’ll also be easier for the girls to talk to the new coach about other female issues such as sports bras and the like – although I have to say that the current guy has always been very attentive in that particular area.
The new coach can also depend on a lot of support from the male parents. It’s so encouraging how fathers are instantly aware that female coaches must need their help on matters of line up, tactics, play time and how the game should be played.
So I’ve been telling my daughter that it’s going to be great but for some reason she has got it into her head that she’s going to wait and see if the coach is any good or not, whether it’s a guy or a girl. Obviously she still has some growing up to do.
I’ve got to say that my first reaction was “over my dead body” but the more I think about it, I’m starting to think that it might not be so very bad. It could actually be a fun to have a situation where half the parents are lusting after the coach instead of the coach lusting after half the parents.
The girls on the team should find some benefits too. For example they can talk to the new coach about their menstrual cycle, which is something they never could do with the current dude, even though he constantly behaves like he has a severe case of PMS. It’ll also be easier for the girls to talk to the new coach about other female issues such as sports bras and the like – although I have to say that the current guy has always been very attentive in that particular area.
The new coach can also depend on a lot of support from the male parents. It’s so encouraging how fathers are instantly aware that female coaches must need their help on matters of line up, tactics, play time and how the game should be played.
So I’ve been telling my daughter that it’s going to be great but for some reason she has got it into her head that she’s going to wait and see if the coach is any good or not, whether it’s a guy or a girl. Obviously she still has some growing up to do.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Take Your Kid To Work Day
So, some poor fool in the Big Apple is in trouble for taking his kid to work in the air traffic control center at JFK? What was he thinking? I mean supposing the kid had run across those two pilots who were found to be FUI? We would have been in the crazy situation of a totally unqualified kid in charge of a bunch of highly paid old drunks who have no concern for their customers. I guess that would be pretty similar to how our soccer club is run.
Back in my modeling days I don’t think I would have taken any kid of mine to work with me. The problem would have been that my kids would have had to see me scantily clad and trying to look sexy while the guy in charge leers all over me and everyone else just stands around feeling sorry for me. A bit like how tryouts are these days.
You never know what kind of trauma some kids will suffer when their image of their parents is shattered in such a cruel fashion. I know one guy whose kid was destroyed by seeing his dad humiliated at work as everyone ridiculed and cursed him all day long. He says it’s the last time he ever takes his son to watch him referee a youth soccer game.
Back in my modeling days I don’t think I would have taken any kid of mine to work with me. The problem would have been that my kids would have had to see me scantily clad and trying to look sexy while the guy in charge leers all over me and everyone else just stands around feeling sorry for me. A bit like how tryouts are these days.
You never know what kind of trauma some kids will suffer when their image of their parents is shattered in such a cruel fashion. I know one guy whose kid was destroyed by seeing his dad humiliated at work as everyone ridiculed and cursed him all day long. He says it’s the last time he ever takes his son to watch him referee a youth soccer game.
Monday, March 8, 2010
From The State
Dear Parents
As the big tournaments get under way your State Association has only the very best interests of the soccer community at heart. In these trying economic times we all have to make some sacrifices and the association is aware that this has caused some concern in certain quarters. However, your Board of Directors is well aware that we are all in this together and that we have to share the load equally amongst all of us. Therefore, the policy of charging parents for spectator admission to watch their own kids play will continue. Divorced parents who come to games with their extended families will either learn the meaning of fidelity or will pay for the privilege. Families who can prove they have roots in Utah may be eligible for our polygamy pass with a 50% discount for each wife beyond the third.
The board is aware of a certain amount of disquiet with regard to certain parties who attend our games but do not contribute to the cost of running the tournament. We are determined to close this loophole. We therefore wish to make it clear that in future all kids on the subs bench will henceforth be considered spectators and will have to pay to watch themselves squirm in discomfort at sitting while a non-paying guest player takes their spot. Players who come off the bench before the half-time break can apply for a refund of 4% of their admission fee.
Directors of Coaching whose tax return indicates they earn in excess of $100K, or who drive a high end SUV funded by a parent, will continue to be admitted free of charge because, after all, this really is all about the kids.
Regards
Michigan Youth Suckers
As the big tournaments get under way your State Association has only the very best interests of the soccer community at heart. In these trying economic times we all have to make some sacrifices and the association is aware that this has caused some concern in certain quarters. However, your Board of Directors is well aware that we are all in this together and that we have to share the load equally amongst all of us. Therefore, the policy of charging parents for spectator admission to watch their own kids play will continue. Divorced parents who come to games with their extended families will either learn the meaning of fidelity or will pay for the privilege. Families who can prove they have roots in Utah may be eligible for our polygamy pass with a 50% discount for each wife beyond the third.
The board is aware of a certain amount of disquiet with regard to certain parties who attend our games but do not contribute to the cost of running the tournament. We are determined to close this loophole. We therefore wish to make it clear that in future all kids on the subs bench will henceforth be considered spectators and will have to pay to watch themselves squirm in discomfort at sitting while a non-paying guest player takes their spot. Players who come off the bench before the half-time break can apply for a refund of 4% of their admission fee.
Directors of Coaching whose tax return indicates they earn in excess of $100K, or who drive a high end SUV funded by a parent, will continue to be admitted free of charge because, after all, this really is all about the kids.
Regards
Michigan Youth Suckers
ENCL
The Michigan Charlatans are pleased to announce their acceptance into this year’s new league fashion. The Charlatans are one of two clubs in the state who have been granted a license to print money as one of the 12 nationwide franchises accepted into US Rebel Soccer’s expanded ENCL program. The same club that convinced you that your 8-year-old was wasting her time in rec., and then convinced you that your 10-year-old was ruining her career by playing in select, and that Michigan Premier was the only way to go for your 13-year-old, but that MRL was way better for U14 and up, and that First Division MRL was for losers, is now happy to be able to offer you a program specifically tailored to the needs of the wealthiest blowhard elitists amongst you who have grown tired of the limitations MRL Premier.
Commenting on his club’s latest ruse, Director of Chicanery Brian Morris stated, “The ENCL will allow us to seamlessly link the bank accounts of our parents with the pubs where we celebrate our abilities. Of course, this program is not for everyone. Only the most discerning of soccer parents will truly be able to see the subtle differences that make the same tired old coaches so much more effective in this new set up. This is the reason that the new league is called the ENCL – the Emperor’s New Clothes League.”
The bragging, boasting and over-spending will start in earnest as soon as the tears of the kids whose high school careers are over have dried. US Pub Soccer hopes that the ridiculous excess and over bearing parents will not get in the way of their belief that soccer played at the highest level by the finest players is a joy to behold.
Commenting on his club’s latest ruse, Director of Chicanery Brian Morris stated, “The ENCL will allow us to seamlessly link the bank accounts of our parents with the pubs where we celebrate our abilities. Of course, this program is not for everyone. Only the most discerning of soccer parents will truly be able to see the subtle differences that make the same tired old coaches so much more effective in this new set up. This is the reason that the new league is called the ENCL – the Emperor’s New Clothes League.”
The bragging, boasting and over-spending will start in earnest as soon as the tears of the kids whose high school careers are over have dried. US Pub Soccer hopes that the ridiculous excess and over bearing parents will not get in the way of their belief that soccer played at the highest level by the finest players is a joy to behold.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Player Perspective
After coming out of retirement to sub in with the co-ed team last week I’m now fully back in the swing of things with a brand new women’s team. We played our first game last night in an 8v8 over 30 league and have adopted the name “Michigan Cougars”. I have to say that we looked rather comely in our electric blue tops with white shorts, socks and thongs. I’m not sure about the thongs – there is actually more material in the warning label than there is on the thong itself and all it says is not to wear the garment close to an open flame. Well hello!
I’m sporting the number 9 on my shirt which I think reflects my role as an old-fashioned center forward. I’m very direct. I wanted to have the number 38 which was claimed by Jenny ‘Jiggles’ McCartney, but I think she was just boasting. Although we lost the game 2-0 I think we did pretty well and I scored, so how cool is that? The young coach we hired, Santiago Hornedog, said I had great technique and I finished well which is always nice to hear.
Of course we did get some cat calls and some extra ‘coaching’ from a number of the ‘gentlemen’ on the sidelines. It sorta reminded me of my youth soccer days when I used to wonder how my dad was able to ‘instruct’ me from the bleachers in a game he never played?
I’m sporting the number 9 on my shirt which I think reflects my role as an old-fashioned center forward. I’m very direct. I wanted to have the number 38 which was claimed by Jenny ‘Jiggles’ McCartney, but I think she was just boasting. Although we lost the game 2-0 I think we did pretty well and I scored, so how cool is that? The young coach we hired, Santiago Hornedog, said I had great technique and I finished well which is always nice to hear.
Of course we did get some cat calls and some extra ‘coaching’ from a number of the ‘gentlemen’ on the sidelines. It sorta reminded me of my youth soccer days when I used to wonder how my dad was able to ‘instruct’ me from the bleachers in a game he never played?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Girl Power
So my eldest daughter’s final Sadie Hawkins dance seems to have passed off with only the usual amount of teenage girl drama. I’ve got to say that I liked the idea of the girls soccer team and their dates going together as a group. I enjoyed seeing them all together, although I’m glad they didn’t invite that bitch of central defender after she was caught making out with the goalkeeper’s boyfriend and earning herself the nickname of Joan Terry in the process. It was a real team building exercise which should serve them well for the upcoming season.
I think that maybe the decision to go with short dresses might have been a mistake. Not only did it give Jules the opportunity to model that little number she picked up at Strumpets-R-Us, but it also showed a lot of the battle scars that we’ve picked up along the way. Looking at the group photo I can see nine ACL surgeries, eleven severely scuffed knees from playing indoor, and a single bite mark on a girl’s thigh which she either picked up playing against those animals at Immaculate Conception, or from dating that kid from the local public school.
Of course the real fun in Sadie Hawkins is in the girls choosing and inviting their dates! So we had a girl’s soccer team in charge of their own fate with the male of the species relegated to the bench and waiting to be selected to play. I guess that it’s a little bit sad that it’s the only time that will happen in the girl’s career.
I think that maybe the decision to go with short dresses might have been a mistake. Not only did it give Jules the opportunity to model that little number she picked up at Strumpets-R-Us, but it also showed a lot of the battle scars that we’ve picked up along the way. Looking at the group photo I can see nine ACL surgeries, eleven severely scuffed knees from playing indoor, and a single bite mark on a girl’s thigh which she either picked up playing against those animals at Immaculate Conception, or from dating that kid from the local public school.
Of course the real fun in Sadie Hawkins is in the girls choosing and inviting their dates! So we had a girl’s soccer team in charge of their own fate with the male of the species relegated to the bench and waiting to be selected to play. I guess that it’s a little bit sad that it’s the only time that will happen in the girl’s career.
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