Once again our school has maintained its record of being the quickest in the state to fire the coach after early season results didn’t go our way. Two ties and a single goal victory over a public school is not what we expect here at Vicarious High, and the writing was on the wall for the poor hapless fool when he subbed my kid out with six minutes still to play in the season opener. It’s never nice for someone to lose his job and I could see that our Athletic Director was troubled by the matter when he left my place the other night to head home to his wife and kids.
The new coach was announced in a press release on Thursday and like any responsible parent I did a little research on him. For some reason they went with a guy who has a soccer background rather than a teacher at the school so we can’t put quite as much employment pressure on him. It took me a little bit of time to find him on the net because he seems to have avoided the usual MySpace or Facebook sites but a bit of perseverance finds him on the professionals LinkedIn network. I had to masquerade as a potential customer of his sheet metal stamping business (whatever that is!) in order to get his details but it’s all good. Nice pictures of an attractive looking wife and two kids so he should be keen to avoid any of the scandals that have dogged our program in recent times.
I added his email address to my daughter’s AIM Instant Messenger buddy list so that she can chat to him about tactical play from the computer she has in her bedroom, and we sent him a nice little introduction including some pictures of myself and my daughter on the beach in St. Tropez last summer. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to know that we are ‘tech heads’ when he receives the texts and pictures we sent to his cell phone.
For his first training session yesterday I helped my daughter pick out a nice little inappropriate top which is not great for soccer but will let him know that she is a girl with a nice sunny disposition. Just between us I’ll confess that I was deliberately fifteen minutes late in picking her up from practice so that she could get to know him a little bit better. When I finally rolled into the parking lot with just the two of them left I could see they were getting on like a house on fire. I think this guy could be the real deal and I’m so glad we’ve gotten rid of his predecessor who really was a bit of a stalker.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My Service To The Community
I figure that with Spring Break being over for the majority of our high school kids here in Michigan there must be an awful lot of photographs of the seniors having fun out there on their MySpace and Facebook accounts. If you can locate any pictures of your rival team’s stud players with alcohol in their hands, or scantily clad, or in any other compromising position, feel free to email them to me and I’ll happily hand them over to their Athletic Directors without mentioning your name. I’m sure we can get a decent amount of suspensions in place before the conference games start in earnest. Anything I can do to help you out with those close games is my pleasure!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Mama Mia
PRESS RELEASE
Following the news that soccer legend Mia Hamm is to join Southern California's Slammers FC as a coach, the Michigan Drama Queens are pleased to announce the appointment of their very own soccer icon. Former pro Brian Blunder will join the club as director of mis-management on his release from prison next month. Blunder spent three seasons playing at the very top in England's Unibond Conference (South) development league with powerhouse Skegness Albion Reserves. A tough tackling center back, Blunder was famed for having ended the careers of many of England's finest young prospects with his robust style. Following a three year suspension for match-fixing activities Blunder retired in 1993 and joined the then fledgling English Cage Fighting Association where he fought under the name of Psycho Driller and achieved an impressive 6% win rate in his 268 professional bouts. Deported back to his native USA in 2001 his entrepreneurial skills began to show as founded the famed Tax Dodgers Soccer Club and quickly racked up an impressive bank balance. His dedication to his players was admirably demonstrated when he continued to write explicit letters to the girls on his former U16 team following his imprisonment on steroid trafficking charges. Blunder was elected to the sex offenders hall of fame in 2004. The Michigan Drama Queens are pleased to be able to exploit the USYSA's lack of a credible nationally enforceable risk management system in order to be able to bring this legendary figure into our community. The Drama Queens are a non-profit club operating on the edge of reality and our motto is "For The Love Of Our Kids".
Following the news that soccer legend Mia Hamm is to join Southern California's Slammers FC as a coach, the Michigan Drama Queens are pleased to announce the appointment of their very own soccer icon. Former pro Brian Blunder will join the club as director of mis-management on his release from prison next month. Blunder spent three seasons playing at the very top in England's Unibond Conference (South) development league with powerhouse Skegness Albion Reserves. A tough tackling center back, Blunder was famed for having ended the careers of many of England's finest young prospects with his robust style. Following a three year suspension for match-fixing activities Blunder retired in 1993 and joined the then fledgling English Cage Fighting Association where he fought under the name of Psycho Driller and achieved an impressive 6% win rate in his 268 professional bouts. Deported back to his native USA in 2001 his entrepreneurial skills began to show as founded the famed Tax Dodgers Soccer Club and quickly racked up an impressive bank balance. His dedication to his players was admirably demonstrated when he continued to write explicit letters to the girls on his former U16 team following his imprisonment on steroid trafficking charges. Blunder was elected to the sex offenders hall of fame in 2004. The Michigan Drama Queens are pleased to be able to exploit the USYSA's lack of a credible nationally enforceable risk management system in order to be able to bring this legendary figure into our community. The Drama Queens are a non-profit club operating on the edge of reality and our motto is "For The Love Of Our Kids".
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
New Style Tryouts
Do you get stressed at tryouts? Do you hate having your kid's fate decided by some over-weight has-been who thinks that just because he sat on the bench for Tranmere Rovers in a pre-season friendly against Pumpherston Miners Welfare that he qualifies as an ex-pro? Are you sick of having to fill out the same form for the umpteenth time for some loud mouth, uber-gossip, meddling mother, who only does the team manager's job to keep her personality by-passed offspring on the team? Well this year is going to be different! With the economy sinking faster than Ted Kennedy's car off Chappaquiddick bridge those of us who have money to spend can make the rules and I for one am going to make the best of it. This year my kid ain't trying out for no stinkin' team. This year the club and coach is trying out for me! At last, in the world of youth soccer the customer is king!
The club that gets my business is going to have to have a clear direction spelt out in an elegantly written mission statement which I expect to be full of the sort of reassuring platitudes that my daughter can copy word for word into her college application forms. The club should then be able to demonstrate a blatant disregard for this mission statement with a finely crafted win-at-all-costs approach to the state cup, MRL, and any game against those bitches from Michigan Push.
I'm looking for a club that trades on its long track record of former glories to get skillfully challenged players like my son onto a decent college team. The power of a recognized brand cannot be underestimated and I'm willing to play top dollar for a strong, established American name like Canton Chelsea.
As for the coach, well I don't want anyone who has lived in the USA long enough to get found out. A nice fresh English speaking Adonis with the morals of an alley cat and an eye for the older woman is just what I'm looking for. A basic understanding of soccer might be helpful too. I also want a coach who takes the modern approach of coaching during the training sessions and then letting the games play themselves. We don't want some bone head who shouts instructions from the sidelines to the point where our kids can't hear what we parents are hollering at them.
The club that gets my business is going to have to have a clear direction spelt out in an elegantly written mission statement which I expect to be full of the sort of reassuring platitudes that my daughter can copy word for word into her college application forms. The club should then be able to demonstrate a blatant disregard for this mission statement with a finely crafted win-at-all-costs approach to the state cup, MRL, and any game against those bitches from Michigan Push.
I'm looking for a club that trades on its long track record of former glories to get skillfully challenged players like my son onto a decent college team. The power of a recognized brand cannot be underestimated and I'm willing to play top dollar for a strong, established American name like Canton Chelsea.
As for the coach, well I don't want anyone who has lived in the USA long enough to get found out. A nice fresh English speaking Adonis with the morals of an alley cat and an eye for the older woman is just what I'm looking for. A basic understanding of soccer might be helpful too. I also want a coach who takes the modern approach of coaching during the training sessions and then letting the games play themselves. We don't want some bone head who shouts instructions from the sidelines to the point where our kids can't hear what we parents are hollering at them.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Power Of The Internet
The modern soccer parent has to use all the tools at her disposal if she wants to fully exploit the talents of her offspring. We all know that coaches with unintelligible accents, out-of-state competition, and cleats fashioned from the flesh of any animal listed on World Wildlife Foundation’s endangered species list, are the very least that we must provide for soccer’s next generation. But still we need to find that little extra edge that will help us fully stab our teammates in the back. I’m thinking of subtle little details such as the human growth hormone that I’ve been injecting my youngest daughter with.
In considering such details it strikes me that many ambitious parents may overlook the power of the internet in developing our soccer superstars. As you would expect, your blogger-in-chief has this down to a fine art.
Stop number one for any aspiring parent on the information superhighway should be www.youtube.com. Traditionally this has been used by the soccer purists to show supposed highlights of their inept kid’s play. Whilst not wanting to underplay the value of this approach you should also know that there is much more that can be achieved here. I myself have been posting game footage and commentary from some of our rival’s matches because I think it’s important that the wider community understands just what a bunch of dirty, fouling, cheating cows the Michigan Hags U6 girls are. I try to capture the opposing parents in their moments of exuberance as often as I can, and I have an excellent track record in taping and posting their fantastic skills at dropping the F-bomb.
I also think I’ve done my bit for promoting an improvement in the standards of our referees by posting clips of some of the seriously bad calls that these overpaid buffoons have made against my kid’s team this season which have robbed us of the state title. Clearly it is in all our interests for me to highlight this conspiracy.
Youtube also gives us the chance to promote the concept of being fully informed. For example when my son was in a run-off for the last starting spot on our roster I made sure to post footage of his teammate screwing up with the amazing regularity he shows in our big games. In the interests of full disclosure I emailed the link to our coach under my pseudonym of Teamplayer1.
A close second to youtube is the wonderful www.myspace.com. This is a great tool in letting potential college coaches see that your offspring is a well rounded individual and more than just a soccer player. When I heard that the head coach of the University Of No Mercy Detroit was going to be at my eldest daughter’s season opener I was sure to send him a link to her myspace showing her at the bible study group she joined that morning and at her first piano lesson. In the interests of promoting all the girls on the team I sent him their myspace links too. I’m sure that all those pictures of them in their bras and panties with the Bud Light cans in their hands will let him see what a fun loving bunch of kids they are.
The ultimate internet tool for the leading edge soccer parent is the on-line soccer forum. I use this as the medium of choice for communicating with my kid’s club, coaches and high school. It really is much more convenient than actually having to speak to some of these bozos. It also saves you from any embarrassment you might feel at having to make a suggestion. A simple anonymous diatribe on the net can be much more effective in getting your point across. Often however, you may feel that your issues are not being taken seriously. Advanced users will get over this by posting the same sentiments under a number of different on-screen IDs. This is simply a way of letting the club know that the groundswell of opinion just happens to be in line with your own personal way of thinking.
Selecting a moniker for your virtual presence in a soccer forum is a fine art that should not be rushed into. Adopting something obvious like TygersG93mom#9 will mark you out as a rookie and you can expect some serious comeback. The only time you should adopt such an obvious name is when you are not that person but want to post hateful messages in her name. Not that I would ever do such a thing.
Finally please always remember that there are laws of libel and standards of decency to which we must be held. A cryptic ID which is aligned to a fake hotmail account are no guarantee of complete anonymity in a world where your ISP can be traced. So take my advice and pop down to your local library or internet café. Log on there, and create your on-line account safe in the knowledge that you will never have to be held accountable for your words. It’s the least you can do in the name of your kids.
In considering such details it strikes me that many ambitious parents may overlook the power of the internet in developing our soccer superstars. As you would expect, your blogger-in-chief has this down to a fine art.
Stop number one for any aspiring parent on the information superhighway should be www.youtube.com. Traditionally this has been used by the soccer purists to show supposed highlights of their inept kid’s play. Whilst not wanting to underplay the value of this approach you should also know that there is much more that can be achieved here. I myself have been posting game footage and commentary from some of our rival’s matches because I think it’s important that the wider community understands just what a bunch of dirty, fouling, cheating cows the Michigan Hags U6 girls are. I try to capture the opposing parents in their moments of exuberance as often as I can, and I have an excellent track record in taping and posting their fantastic skills at dropping the F-bomb.
I also think I’ve done my bit for promoting an improvement in the standards of our referees by posting clips of some of the seriously bad calls that these overpaid buffoons have made against my kid’s team this season which have robbed us of the state title. Clearly it is in all our interests for me to highlight this conspiracy.
Youtube also gives us the chance to promote the concept of being fully informed. For example when my son was in a run-off for the last starting spot on our roster I made sure to post footage of his teammate screwing up with the amazing regularity he shows in our big games. In the interests of full disclosure I emailed the link to our coach under my pseudonym of Teamplayer1.
A close second to youtube is the wonderful www.myspace.com. This is a great tool in letting potential college coaches see that your offspring is a well rounded individual and more than just a soccer player. When I heard that the head coach of the University Of No Mercy Detroit was going to be at my eldest daughter’s season opener I was sure to send him a link to her myspace showing her at the bible study group she joined that morning and at her first piano lesson. In the interests of promoting all the girls on the team I sent him their myspace links too. I’m sure that all those pictures of them in their bras and panties with the Bud Light cans in their hands will let him see what a fun loving bunch of kids they are.
The ultimate internet tool for the leading edge soccer parent is the on-line soccer forum. I use this as the medium of choice for communicating with my kid’s club, coaches and high school. It really is much more convenient than actually having to speak to some of these bozos. It also saves you from any embarrassment you might feel at having to make a suggestion. A simple anonymous diatribe on the net can be much more effective in getting your point across. Often however, you may feel that your issues are not being taken seriously. Advanced users will get over this by posting the same sentiments under a number of different on-screen IDs. This is simply a way of letting the club know that the groundswell of opinion just happens to be in line with your own personal way of thinking.
Selecting a moniker for your virtual presence in a soccer forum is a fine art that should not be rushed into. Adopting something obvious like TygersG93mom#9 will mark you out as a rookie and you can expect some serious comeback. The only time you should adopt such an obvious name is when you are not that person but want to post hateful messages in her name. Not that I would ever do such a thing.
Finally please always remember that there are laws of libel and standards of decency to which we must be held. A cryptic ID which is aligned to a fake hotmail account are no guarantee of complete anonymity in a world where your ISP can be traced. So take my advice and pop down to your local library or internet café. Log on there, and create your on-line account safe in the knowledge that you will never have to be held accountable for your words. It’s the least you can do in the name of your kids.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Levelling The Playing Field
The MHSAA released the following statement today:
As part of our charter to promote competition amongst high school athletes while avoiding more damaging lawsuits, the MHSAA continually reviews and updates its policies with a view to providing a uniform level of incompetence across the state. For some time the association has been concerned that a number of situations may conspire to give an advantage to certain schools. To address this situation the MHSAA will immediately implement its Level Playing Field Initiative. MHSAA has partnered with Michigan State University to offer a post-graduate diploma in Advanced Soccer Mathematics to assist athletic directors in understanding these policy changes which can be summarized as follows:
In calculating a school’s classification by enrollment numbers a multiplier factor will be assessed:
1 – Private schools will be assessed 1.75 x enrollment because the MHSAA really wants to stick it to the rich kids.
2 – Catholic private schools will be assessed the same 1.75 multiplier AND will have one goal subtracted during each game to compensate for the influence of having a higher power on their side.
3 – A mulitiplier of 1.21 will be applied to high school teams which roster more than 5 club/travel soccer players. The exception to this will be teams who roster players from the Eagles club because our Chief Executive’s daughter plays for this club. In addition high school teams who roster players from the Wazdar club will actually have a negative 0.75 multiplier assessed to compensate for the distinct disadvantage that having players from this club provides.
A ‘fat factor’ of 2.3674 will applied to teams who routinely provide a locally based referee who is old and out of shape. This factor will be increased to 2.8765 if the opposing team can provide a doctor’s certified confirmation that the referee is clinically obese. The factor will be removed if any referee should actually expire during one of his rare forays outside the center circle. An additional fat factor of 0.250 will be applied if the ref has one knee brace, or 0.375 if he has two knee braces.
Midtown High School will have two goals subtracted and a red card automatically issued to their goal keeper for all games that are refereed by that cantankerous old guy who doesn’t like their assistant coach.
During regional finals all teams will be allowed to dress one parent in the opposing teams colors. If a team is defending a narrow lead but is under pressure in the closing minutes the ‘ringer parent’ will be permitted to run onto the field, threaten the ref and have the game abandoned with the score in their favor. Private schools can have two ringer parents because they always get more than everyone else.
The MHSAA has gone to the trouble of retrospectively applying these rules to the spring 2008 season, and is pleased to be able to tell you that the outcome is that all 4,325 games played ended in a 0 – 0 tie.
As part of our charter to promote competition amongst high school athletes while avoiding more damaging lawsuits, the MHSAA continually reviews and updates its policies with a view to providing a uniform level of incompetence across the state. For some time the association has been concerned that a number of situations may conspire to give an advantage to certain schools. To address this situation the MHSAA will immediately implement its Level Playing Field Initiative. MHSAA has partnered with Michigan State University to offer a post-graduate diploma in Advanced Soccer Mathematics to assist athletic directors in understanding these policy changes which can be summarized as follows:
In calculating a school’s classification by enrollment numbers a multiplier factor will be assessed:
1 – Private schools will be assessed 1.75 x enrollment because the MHSAA really wants to stick it to the rich kids.
2 – Catholic private schools will be assessed the same 1.75 multiplier AND will have one goal subtracted during each game to compensate for the influence of having a higher power on their side.
3 – A mulitiplier of 1.21 will be applied to high school teams which roster more than 5 club/travel soccer players. The exception to this will be teams who roster players from the Eagles club because our Chief Executive’s daughter plays for this club. In addition high school teams who roster players from the Wazdar club will actually have a negative 0.75 multiplier assessed to compensate for the distinct disadvantage that having players from this club provides.
A ‘fat factor’ of 2.3674 will applied to teams who routinely provide a locally based referee who is old and out of shape. This factor will be increased to 2.8765 if the opposing team can provide a doctor’s certified confirmation that the referee is clinically obese. The factor will be removed if any referee should actually expire during one of his rare forays outside the center circle. An additional fat factor of 0.250 will be applied if the ref has one knee brace, or 0.375 if he has two knee braces.
Midtown High School will have two goals subtracted and a red card automatically issued to their goal keeper for all games that are refereed by that cantankerous old guy who doesn’t like their assistant coach.
During regional finals all teams will be allowed to dress one parent in the opposing teams colors. If a team is defending a narrow lead but is under pressure in the closing minutes the ‘ringer parent’ will be permitted to run onto the field, threaten the ref and have the game abandoned with the score in their favor. Private schools can have two ringer parents because they always get more than everyone else.
The MHSAA has gone to the trouble of retrospectively applying these rules to the spring 2008 season, and is pleased to be able to tell you that the outcome is that all 4,325 games played ended in a 0 – 0 tie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
