The Power Of The Internet

The modern soccer parent has to use all the tools at her disposal if she wants to fully exploit the talents of her offspring. We all know that coaches with unintelligible accents, out-of-state competition, and cleats fashioned from the flesh of any animal listed on World Wildlife Foundation’s endangered species list, are the very least that we must provide for soccer’s next generation. But still we need to find that little extra edge that will help us fully stab our teammates in the back. I’m thinking of subtle little details such as the human growth hormone that I’ve been injecting my youngest daughter with.

In considering such details it strikes me that many ambitious parents may overlook the power of the internet in developing our soccer superstars. As you would expect, your blogger-in-chief has this down to a fine art.

Stop number one for any aspiring parent on the information superhighway should be www.youtube.com. Traditionally this has been used by the soccer purists to show supposed highlights of their inept kid’s play. Whilst not wanting to underplay the value of this approach you should also know that there is much more that can be achieved here. I myself have been posting game footage and commentary from some of our rival’s matches because I think it’s important that the wider community understands just what a bunch of dirty, fouling, cheating cows the Michigan Hags U6 girls are. I try to capture the opposing parents in their moments of exuberance as often as I can, and I have an excellent track record in taping and posting their fantastic skills at dropping the F-bomb.

I also think I’ve done my bit for promoting an improvement in the standards of our referees by posting clips of some of the seriously bad calls that these overpaid buffoons have made against my kid’s team this season which have robbed us of the state title. Clearly it is in all our interests for me to highlight this conspiracy.

Youtube also gives us the chance to promote the concept of being fully informed. For example when my son was in a run-off for the last starting spot on our roster I made sure to post footage of his teammate screwing up with the amazing regularity he shows in our big games. In the interests of full disclosure I emailed the link to our coach under my pseudonym of Teamplayer1.

A close second to youtube is the wonderful www.myspace.com. This is a great tool in letting potential college coaches see that your offspring is a well rounded individual and more than just a soccer player. When I heard that the head coach of the University Of No Mercy Detroit was going to be at my eldest daughter’s season opener I was sure to send him a link to her myspace showing her at the bible study group she joined that morning and at her first piano lesson. In the interests of promoting all the girls on the team I sent him their myspace links too. I’m sure that all those pictures of them in their bras and panties with the Bud Light cans in their hands will let him see what a fun loving bunch of kids they are.

The ultimate internet tool for the leading edge soccer parent is the on-line soccer forum. I use this as the medium of choice for communicating with my kid’s club, coaches and high school. It really is much more convenient than actually having to speak to some of these bozos. It also saves you from any embarrassment you might feel at having to make a suggestion. A simple anonymous diatribe on the net can be much more effective in getting your point across. Often however, you may feel that your issues are not being taken seriously. Advanced users will get over this by posting the same sentiments under a number of different on-screen IDs. This is simply a way of letting the club know that the groundswell of opinion just happens to be in line with your own personal way of thinking.

Selecting a moniker for your virtual presence in a soccer forum is a fine art that should not be rushed into. Adopting something obvious like TygersG93mom#9 will mark you out as a rookie and you can expect some serious comeback. The only time you should adopt such an obvious name is when you are not that person but want to post hateful messages in her name. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

Finally please always remember that there are laws of libel and standards of decency to which we must be held. A cryptic ID which is aligned to a fake hotmail account are no guarantee of complete anonymity in a world where your ISP can be traced. So take my advice and pop down to your local library or internet café. Log on there, and create your on-line account safe in the knowledge that you will never have to be held accountable for your words. It’s the least you can do in the name of your kids.