What Is It With Referees These Days?

Jeez! Where in the name of all that is expensive do you find a decent referee these days? That buffoon we had last weekend was even worse than the blind donkey we had in the semi-final of the Body Armour tournament up in Flint, MI. She was so bad we had to start singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” at her just to cheer ourselves up. Her little balding bespectacled AR got all bent out of shape just because someone called him “Gandhi”, and I swear the kid running the line on the far side had to change his diaper at half time because he was so scared of our center half’s dad. Then the little rat has the temerity to throw down his flag and storm off in a huff just because Big Eddie started to help him with the offside calls! Kids these days get their money too easily if they can pass up $20 just for running up and down a field for an hour or so. The worst of it is that I think one of our parents is friendly with the ref because he shouted “Hey, I know where you live!” just after she blew that offside call that cost us the game. I did see him following her out to the parking lot afterwards although she seemed to be in a bit of a rush to get going.

So I thought I’d seen it all until we came up against this Uber Psycho last weekend. I hadn’t seem him do any of our games before but some of our parents seemed to know him quite well by virtue of the fact that they reminded him he was a short-sighted, illegitimate, pedophile. At half time our coach tried to explain where he was going wrong and the buffoon hits him with a red card! WTF! I’ll admit that the coach might have stepped over the line by telling him where he could shove his red card but that dude just let the power go to his head. A bunch of us went over to try and settle him down and he ends up calling the game and using his cell phone to call the cops! What a pussy!

Then this week we get the word that we are going down to only one ref per game and we have to provide ‘parent linesmen’. Jeez! Seems that not enough of the old, fat, bow-legged little Hitler’s want to come out and work for a decent living anymore! What is wrong with these people? Well I hope they all know that it’s the kids that suffer.

Masterclass II

The American Soccer Schools Open Legends Education program announces the replacement of it’s Masterclass DVD with a new updated version to reflect developments in the world game, and it’s growth in the USA. By using current world superstars to present the material it is hoped that the ASSOLE program will appeal to a younger audience.

The section on shielding the ball from an opponent, previously presented by Franz ‘Kaiser’ Beckenbauer, will be replaced by French superstar Thierry Henry’s program on shielding the ball from the referee’s view. Henry will go on to present his unique juggling skills in which he demonstrates how to keep the ball in play without getting his cleats muddy.

The grainy 1950s film of the dribbling skills of Sir Stanley Matthews (widely regarded as the last skilful player to pull on a Stoke City shirt) has been dropped in favor of Eduardo’s expert class on flopping in the box to claim a penalty kick when things aren’t going your way.

George Best’s class on how to make the best of your talent will be retained and augmented with input from English legend Paul Gascoigne. However, a proposal to replace this with a section provided by either Gareth Bale or Theo Walcott has been tabled for the time being.

The now commonplace Cryuff Turn will be replaced by the Tevez Turn in which the concept of team loyalty is paramount, and Arsenal’s William Gallas will replace another former gunner, Tony Adams, in presenting the section on subtle foot skills.

Finally, the 20 year old section on Cantankerous Management and Referee Baiting Skills by Alex Ferguson, will be replaced by a new section on Cantankerous Management and Referee Baiting Skills by Sir Alex Ferguson.

ASSOLE hopes that this line up of current world superstars will provide our youth soccer players with a fine set of role models.

Keeping Possession

I guess I never really understood what my son’s coach meant when he said “winning in soccer is all about possession”. I had thought it meant the team should try to prevent the other team from getting the ball, but that didn’t seem to fit well with his tactic of hoofing it up the field and hoping that by some miracle it might land at the feet of one of our kids who makes a habit of loitering without any intent. Of course, the chance of them then actually doing anything with it when we all disarm them by hollering “shoot!” at the top of our voices always seemed equally remote. Even the coach’s ‘safety first’ approach of defending every ball by knocking it out of play at the earliest opportunity always seemed to give possession to the other team, but I always thought that was because a silly girlie mother like me didn’t really understand the nuances of the game the way these highly educated chaps do.

But I think I might be starting to work it out. I was asking him why he kept a roster of 22 players even though he could only dress 18 and rarely let the subs play anyway. I wondered if some of those kids wouldn’t be better off starting with another club instead of riding the pine with us or playing on our B, C or D teams. But maybe it is a game of possession after all? If we use our reputation to possess all the best players and prevent them playing against us then we should be on the way to another relentless procession towards this year’s Hollow Victory State Cup!

Last Saturday

Last Saturday’s game was such a let down. I knew ahead of time that Jenny wasn’t going to be there so I wouldn’t get the latest info on how her and her husband were getting along after she caught him making a pass at the team mom at the end-of-season pool party. So I still don’t know if she’s more pissed about him being disloyal or the fact that he chose such an old hag to be disloyal with. But then I get there and hear that the half-blind, zero coordination, two left footed, central defender and his stop-at-nothing pyscho mother are out of town so there is no-one for me to complain about and blame for all our problems.

To make matters worse the coach was sober for a change and he got there before we did with his team sheets written up and what looked suspiciously like a game plan to me. So bang went another line of conversation as I couldn’t even think about asking for my money back this week. The referee turned out to be pretty darn decent and seemed to call things fairly evenly. There didn’t seem to be a single cow mother on the opposing team’s bleachers and when they sent over that flask of hot-chocolate and a tray of donuts I knew I was screwed out of any chance of baiting them for the whole game.

In the end there was nothing else for it but to sit in my lawn chair and watch my kid enjoying his soccer. Where’s the fun in that?

2012

So my kid has just finished his high school “soccer” (I use the term loosely) season and we can get back to playing a sweeter, purer, much more expensive version of the beautiful game. As a sophomore it seems to me that time is marching on for him and it won’t be long before 2012 rolls around and we have to deal with the big issue that date brings – which college am I going to be happy with for him? Frankly, I’m getting a little bit tired of his constant “can’t I just enjoy the game?” remarks and so I’ve decided to take a much more active part in his career, which, as I’m sure you can imagine, is very difficult for such an easy going mom like me.

I’ve started by hiring a private trainer to do some one-on-one work with him. I had a few candidates in mind but in the end I settled on his current club coach. This guy obviously knows what he needs to work on and I had been told by other parents that I could expect his field time to increase by about 25% if I paid for one extra session a week, and by about 70% if I went for the full 3-day-a-week package paid in advance through next March. The fact that the coach is rather dishy and will have to come round to the house 3 times a week is an added little bonus for a woman of my age. Unfortunately we’ve had to cut my kid’s music lessons and SAT class to make the time available and I’ve also withdrawn him from the honors calculus and physics classes he was taking as he really needs to lighten the load and get his priorities right.

Since I don’t want to over burden him, I myself have taken over the process of bombarding my target colleges with copies of his highly embellished soccer resume. However, since colleges like the kids themselves to make contact I’ve taken a course in teen speak so that I can pass myself off as him. WTF dude that’s gr8.

I’ve cancelled our subscription to the Fox Soccer Channel in case the skill based European game should corrupt his American mentality and I’ve enrolled him in some specialized classes with some of Michigan’s finest college coaches. Detroit No Mercy will school him in their “Basic Brutality for Defenders” class, while Ferrell State have him signed up “Advanced Simulation”.

So I think I’ve gone to some considerable trouble to make sure that 2012 is a big year in my kid’s life. But do you know what the little shit said to me as I posted his new schedule on the refrigerator door? “Mom, it’s only soccer, it’s not the end of the world!”

Leading The Way

Jeez I can’t believe that this ‘multiple coaches’ thing is being touted as the latest big thing in youth development. According to this ‘latest thinking’ all kids should be exposed to a number of different coaches throughout their developmental years. Well hello! Maybe the reason my kids are so much better than all your E team dingbats is that we’ve been using the multiple coach approach for as long as I can remember.

Take for example my son’s team. In addition to our paid coach we have a volunteer assistant who was asked to take the team for a few minutes back in 2002 when the coach was running late for a game at our club’s annual Fleece The Parents tournament, and he’s been there ever since. I should have known how dedicated he was to the cause when he showed up for the next game in full club regalia and insisted on being called ‘coach’.

We also have a dedicated offensive coordinator who is Timmy Simpkins dad. Here is a guy who has perfected the fine art of hollering “Get a shot in” every thirty seconds or so. I think the results speak for themselves with this coaching approach as there must be at least 3% of the times when that is the appropriate action for the kid to take.

Emotional support for the boys is provided by life coach and goalkeeper’s mom, Carrie Mae Leejourno, who can always be relied on to put an arm around a vulnerable young man or two as they leave the field after a defeat. As she says, her ‘door is always open’.

Defensive coordination comes in the big round shape of former fourth string football star Danny Gutbucket who gives the boys the sort of clear concise instructions that you need in the heat of battle. I always feel reassured when I hear his powerful baritone imploring some nervous kid to ‘boot it’ whenever the ball comes within 40 yards of our keeper. It’s nice to see Danny’s son Tommy on the way back to full fitness after his stint at Fat Camp this summer.

Our clearly superior tactical awareness could be the result of the input of Loni Wallflower’s dad. Loni is still waiting to make his first start with the team as he enters his seventh season with us but his dad always seems to be able to size up the opposition and know after the first few minutes of play that its time to bring a sub on.

So don’t give me all that ‘latest thinking’ nonsense! We have the finest collection of multiple coaches in the Midwest and the results of all our mis-informed contradictory input from the bleachers will be there for all to see as the boys set out to win back their place after being relegated from division F last season.