Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thanks!
Hey everyone, just want to give a little ‘thanks’ for the news that my son’s coach is going to be fine! He had a little lump on his right u-know-what but it turns out that it’s nothing to worry about. How cool is that?! So thanks to the docs for their prompt attention. Thanks also to our goalkeeper’s mom who first found the lump and ensured he got some early treatment.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
State Of The Nation
In his State of the Nation speech last night President Obama outlined revolutionary plans to turn around the American economy. The under fire leader of the free world has challenged congress to come up with a bill to overcome the largest drain on the economy, the cost of which towers over the crisis in our financial institutions, the war in Iraq, and the bill to fund socialized medicine. Speaking with the fire and passion that propelled him into office, the President indicated how $97 billion dollars were squandered each and every working day as an army of anonymous delusional soccer parents and their mentally challenged coaches fought out an acrimonious on-line war using computerized soccer forums on their company dime. Mr. Obama noted that by simply eliminating the worst offenders the country could free up enough man hours to re-build the Egyptian pyramids as a tourist attraction in Flint, Michigan. It would also free up enough bandwidth on the internet to allow us to finally exploit the web for the purpose for which it was truly intended – selling porn to fat middle aged lonely sad fools without the embarrassment of having to visit one of those stores on the edge of town. Speaking in his response Republican Senator Attila The Hun said “Finally, this is the sort of brave, creative leadership we have been looking for from the President”.
Evaluations
Here in America a lot of parents are still finding their feet in the crazy world of youth soccer. Since I’ve been around the block a bit I thought that some of you newbies might benefit from my experience. So I’m pleased to present my easy interpretation guide to help you decipher your kid’s annual evaluation from your dedicated coach. Here is my ‘coach speak-to-real life’ translation phrase book for you:
Robust and strong in the tackle = Your kid is a thug.
The mainstay of our defense = Your kid is a psycho thug.
The first name on my team sheet every week = Your kid is the tallest on the roster.
Might benefit from additional coaching sessions = I think you guys have more disposable income that I could get a piece of.
One of my longer term prospects = Your kid is useless but his mom has a nice rack.
An essential part of the team chemistry = Thanks for all the drinks his father buys on trips out of town.
I haven’t determined his optimum playing position yet = I’m not sure how long after I have slept with the mom I have to wait before I can cut this kid.
A true utility player = We need to keep 18 kids on the roster to keep the fees for down for the good players.
Always boisterous and full of life = An annoying little shit.
Needs to work on her fitness = Your kid is one cheeseburger away from being moved to starting goalkeeper.
Great communication skills = I hope you never find out about the text messages.
A candidate for the Academy = We also take direct deposit.
Dealing well with the growth spurt = Plays like Bambi on ice.
Maturing into a well rounded asset to the team = I could get arrested for what I’m really thinking.
An excellent prospect = I’ve mixed your kid up with someone else.
A true two-footed player = Can’t kick with either foot.
Excels as the holding mid in a 3-5-2 playing interposer behind the creative generalissimo = Buy your snake oil here.
Robust and strong in the tackle = Your kid is a thug.
The mainstay of our defense = Your kid is a psycho thug.
The first name on my team sheet every week = Your kid is the tallest on the roster.
Might benefit from additional coaching sessions = I think you guys have more disposable income that I could get a piece of.
One of my longer term prospects = Your kid is useless but his mom has a nice rack.
An essential part of the team chemistry = Thanks for all the drinks his father buys on trips out of town.
I haven’t determined his optimum playing position yet = I’m not sure how long after I have slept with the mom I have to wait before I can cut this kid.
A true utility player = We need to keep 18 kids on the roster to keep the fees for down for the good players.
Always boisterous and full of life = An annoying little shit.
Needs to work on her fitness = Your kid is one cheeseburger away from being moved to starting goalkeeper.
Great communication skills = I hope you never find out about the text messages.
A candidate for the Academy = We also take direct deposit.
Dealing well with the growth spurt = Plays like Bambi on ice.
Maturing into a well rounded asset to the team = I could get arrested for what I’m really thinking.
An excellent prospect = I’ve mixed your kid up with someone else.
A true two-footed player = Can’t kick with either foot.
Excels as the holding mid in a 3-5-2 playing interposer behind the creative generalissimo = Buy your snake oil here.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Cool Hand Luke
Parents of the Northern Kalamazoo Charlatans soccer club have been split into warring factions over how to address the actions of their former Director of Coaching, Luke Royalflush. The problems began in spring 2009 when the club’s treasurer, Richard Turpin, began to suspect that either he couldn’t count or American youth soccer was even more of a rip off than he had always suspected. His suspicions were further aroused when the DOC began showing up for the club’s infrequent practice sessions in a brand new Cadillac Escalade accompanied by an exotic dancer named Tipper Inergarterbelt, whom he introduced as the new Speed and Agility trainer. Matters came to a head when the club’s U15 girls reached the state cup final in spite of the DOC having been AWOL for 8 weeks. The team was coached in the final by a parent stand-in who was roundly criticized by the opposing coach for being ‘just a dad without any professional qualifications’ after the Charlatans kicked his professional ass 7-1 in a runaway victory.
Following the game the club wanted to mark the girl’s achievement by patronizing them with a commemorative t-shirt. It was then revealed that there wasn’t enough money in the club coffers to buy the t-shirts and that the DOC had absconded with the cash to feed his gambling habit.
At that point, in an act of unparalleled generosity, the founder of the Charlatans movement, Sandy Barmey, announced that he would fund the t-shirts entirely as a gift out of his own pocket, provided the NKC franchise was returned to him, the parents signed a waiver giving up any rights to legal action against him, each parent wrote a glowing testimonial about his coaching methods, and the local media left the story well alone.
DOC Royalflush was finally traced to a room on the 17th floor of a Las Vegas hotel above the casino where he had gambled the dues paid by each of these poor deprived kids. At the time the police broke down his hotel room door Royalflush was in the company of a cocktail waitress named Mandy Melons with a mountain of freshly cut cocaine on the coffee table and hundreds of thousands of dollars of the money he had won strewn around the room. Royalflush himself was naked, on the balcony of the room, screaming “King of the World!” and “You can shove your Cryuff Turns up your bottom!”
Sandy Barmey immediately released a 50,000 word press release in which he predicted that the USA would win the 2014 world cup now that one of the “finest trainers in soccer” was back leading our kids into the next generation. Team manager Tina Overbearing suggested that the money Royalflush had won rightfully belonged to the club and should be split evenly amongst the parents with the exception of Nicole Pauper’s mom who did not have her dues up to date. Rebel parent Tony Holierthanthou suggested that this was not the type of role model we wanted for our kids. Cocktail waitress Mandy Melons claimed she had placed the winning bet and the money was hers. Nicolas Synical wanted to let the money go and use the experience as a “lesson of the evils of the Charlatans approach to soccer which I have been opposed to for 20 years”.
The matter is now in the hands of circuit court Judge George Easilyswayed who will try to determine if anyone comes out of the whole sordid matter looking less of a rat fink than anyone else. All the concerned adults will attend his courtroom on 15th May 2010. A pick up soccer tournament will be held on fields adjacent to the courtroom to keep the kids occupied while the court is in session. The kids will while away the hours with a ball at their feet whilst the adults play out the real fun and games.
Following the game the club wanted to mark the girl’s achievement by patronizing them with a commemorative t-shirt. It was then revealed that there wasn’t enough money in the club coffers to buy the t-shirts and that the DOC had absconded with the cash to feed his gambling habit.
At that point, in an act of unparalleled generosity, the founder of the Charlatans movement, Sandy Barmey, announced that he would fund the t-shirts entirely as a gift out of his own pocket, provided the NKC franchise was returned to him, the parents signed a waiver giving up any rights to legal action against him, each parent wrote a glowing testimonial about his coaching methods, and the local media left the story well alone.
DOC Royalflush was finally traced to a room on the 17th floor of a Las Vegas hotel above the casino where he had gambled the dues paid by each of these poor deprived kids. At the time the police broke down his hotel room door Royalflush was in the company of a cocktail waitress named Mandy Melons with a mountain of freshly cut cocaine on the coffee table and hundreds of thousands of dollars of the money he had won strewn around the room. Royalflush himself was naked, on the balcony of the room, screaming “King of the World!” and “You can shove your Cryuff Turns up your bottom!”
Sandy Barmey immediately released a 50,000 word press release in which he predicted that the USA would win the 2014 world cup now that one of the “finest trainers in soccer” was back leading our kids into the next generation. Team manager Tina Overbearing suggested that the money Royalflush had won rightfully belonged to the club and should be split evenly amongst the parents with the exception of Nicole Pauper’s mom who did not have her dues up to date. Rebel parent Tony Holierthanthou suggested that this was not the type of role model we wanted for our kids. Cocktail waitress Mandy Melons claimed she had placed the winning bet and the money was hers. Nicolas Synical wanted to let the money go and use the experience as a “lesson of the evils of the Charlatans approach to soccer which I have been opposed to for 20 years”.
The matter is now in the hands of circuit court Judge George Easilyswayed who will try to determine if anyone comes out of the whole sordid matter looking less of a rat fink than anyone else. All the concerned adults will attend his courtroom on 15th May 2010. A pick up soccer tournament will be held on fields adjacent to the courtroom to keep the kids occupied while the court is in session. The kids will while away the hours with a ball at their feet whilst the adults play out the real fun and games.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Class Act Meets Crass Act
The inexorable march of litigation into youth sports took another giant step forward yesterday when Halfway Down Highschool in Ohio announced that it had retained the legal firm of Sue, Cheatem & Spend to represent it in it’s on going battle with the Ohio State High School Sports Inflexibility Counsel. The law firm – whose Latin motto is Eef Gloveicus Non-Fiticus Thou Mustus Acquiticus – will appoint enfant terrible, Robert Slimeball, as lead counsel. Slimeball, who studied at the prestigious Institute Of Defending The Indefensible, will assume his duties as soon as he can complete his current work representing Roman Polanski.
Halfway Down is a private organization vaguely described as a ‘school’ in its glossy sales brochure. Students typically pay exorbitant fees to be able to shield themselves from the sort of poor life lessons they would receive in the public system. Honor, integrity, acceptance of authority, and not giving your trophy back until the law intervenes are the values of the school.
The case arises out of the OSHSSIC’s ruling that HD fielded an ineligible player in final of the Division VI Parental Bragging Rights soccer tournament. HD won a thrilling, tightly contested final 17-0 against Hapless Public in a match played in front of a record crowd of 13 spectators and two dogs.
With the trophy presented and the game forgotten about 15 minutes after the final whistle, HD’s marquee player was already at the airport departure gate on her way back to Florida’s Hotshot Soccer School when a Hapless Public parent started typing a venomous anonymous allegation of ineligibility to the local gutter press.
HD’s position is that the player was at all times enrolled with the school in a distance learning capacity by virtue of the fact that she was in constant contact with her classmates via the MySpace social networking website. They point out that by playing regularly for the Florida Hotshots she was in fact recovering from an injury, and medical records do indeed suggest that she was rehabbing a severely bruised ego picked up when the school lost in the final last year. School superintendent Jack Daniels commented “Having been in rehab for many years myself I understand the importance of these issues. I’d just like to point out that we won the game on the field and nothing else matters including my inability to read the rules. It is unfortunate that this young lady has been singled out. Nobody said a damn thing about the three girls playing up front for us who actually graduated in 1997, the goalie who played after we lowered our minimum pass rate requirements, or the long haired central defender who is actually a dude with his junk tucked away where the sun don’t shine”.
Speaking for OSHSSIC, director of public relations Tony Selfimportant pointed out; “The counsel is not here to assist in the development of the game in general or to encourage class acts/genuine prospects like this young player. Neither are we here to support the efforts of a youth soccer team who made a genuine attempt to excel in a sporting event. The counsel exists to demonstrate to the kids the level of incompetence which exists amongst the adults who manage their endeavors.”
The case will be heard in the Ohio Court of Frivolous Wastes Of Time and is expected to run for much longer than anyone really cares.
Halfway Down is a private organization vaguely described as a ‘school’ in its glossy sales brochure. Students typically pay exorbitant fees to be able to shield themselves from the sort of poor life lessons they would receive in the public system. Honor, integrity, acceptance of authority, and not giving your trophy back until the law intervenes are the values of the school.
The case arises out of the OSHSSIC’s ruling that HD fielded an ineligible player in final of the Division VI Parental Bragging Rights soccer tournament. HD won a thrilling, tightly contested final 17-0 against Hapless Public in a match played in front of a record crowd of 13 spectators and two dogs.
With the trophy presented and the game forgotten about 15 minutes after the final whistle, HD’s marquee player was already at the airport departure gate on her way back to Florida’s Hotshot Soccer School when a Hapless Public parent started typing a venomous anonymous allegation of ineligibility to the local gutter press.
HD’s position is that the player was at all times enrolled with the school in a distance learning capacity by virtue of the fact that she was in constant contact with her classmates via the MySpace social networking website. They point out that by playing regularly for the Florida Hotshots she was in fact recovering from an injury, and medical records do indeed suggest that she was rehabbing a severely bruised ego picked up when the school lost in the final last year. School superintendent Jack Daniels commented “Having been in rehab for many years myself I understand the importance of these issues. I’d just like to point out that we won the game on the field and nothing else matters including my inability to read the rules. It is unfortunate that this young lady has been singled out. Nobody said a damn thing about the three girls playing up front for us who actually graduated in 1997, the goalie who played after we lowered our minimum pass rate requirements, or the long haired central defender who is actually a dude with his junk tucked away where the sun don’t shine”.
Speaking for OSHSSIC, director of public relations Tony Selfimportant pointed out; “The counsel is not here to assist in the development of the game in general or to encourage class acts/genuine prospects like this young player. Neither are we here to support the efforts of a youth soccer team who made a genuine attempt to excel in a sporting event. The counsel exists to demonstrate to the kids the level of incompetence which exists amongst the adults who manage their endeavors.”
The case will be heard in the Ohio Court of Frivolous Wastes Of Time and is expected to run for much longer than anyone really cares.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Freedom Of Information
I’m a bit pissed off with my daughter’s club at the moment. It seems they want to bring in some new rule that the team’s monthly accounts should only show the income itself and not who is making the payments. Apparently some Prius driving, socialist parent with an Obama fetish and an actual belief in global warming, wants there to be no indication of which players are on scholarship! It seems that little Miss Bleeding Heart thinks that the paupers will be embarrassed if everyone knows that their tab is being picked up for them. WTF is that all about? My kid is on scholarship and I’m proud of it! If no one knows that my kid is on free ride even though I can drive to out-of-state tournaments in my Cadillac Escalade and stay in much better hotels than the rest of the team riff-raff, then how are they going to know that my kid is only on ‘scholarship’ because she’s such a hotshot that the team recruited her with the promise that the rest of the mug parents would pay her way?
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
And The Academy Award Goes To.....
For nearly 20 years the coach’s association Soccer Amerika Direct (SAD) has been promoting the game to very little effect here in the USA. In January of each year the group’s senior members, known as Fellows Of Old Long Standing (FOOLS), come together to bestow their annual award to the most encouraging trend in the North American game.
This year’s recipient has it’s basis in the professional clubs of Europe who launched this initiative as the panacea to all the game’s ills: here was the silver bullet which would drive back the hordes of joyous young players flooding into their game from Africa, and stop dead in their tracks those unscrupulous agents who did nothing to develop the players beyond parting them from 20% of their outrageous signing on fees.
Not wanting to miss out on a poorly thought out idea the principles were rapidly adopted here in the USA, where they were introduced in a uniquely American half-assed, incompetent way. The initiative was quickly taken up by those clubs who had been excluded from the original program by virtue of their long track record of not having a clue what they were on about, and the profile of the game was raised as more and more parents could be fleeced out of an ever larger part of their shrinking income to fund this ‘next big thing’. Soccer Amerika Direct has marveled at the way our coaches have packaged this idea and sold it to an unsuspecting public to the point where the parents of kids as young as 4 years old have been seduced by this single word miracle.
It is therefore with great pleasure that our SADFOOLS bestow their 2010 lifetime achievement award to the abuse, misuse and blatant commercial exploitation of the word ACADEMY.
This year’s recipient has it’s basis in the professional clubs of Europe who launched this initiative as the panacea to all the game’s ills: here was the silver bullet which would drive back the hordes of joyous young players flooding into their game from Africa, and stop dead in their tracks those unscrupulous agents who did nothing to develop the players beyond parting them from 20% of their outrageous signing on fees.
Not wanting to miss out on a poorly thought out idea the principles were rapidly adopted here in the USA, where they were introduced in a uniquely American half-assed, incompetent way. The initiative was quickly taken up by those clubs who had been excluded from the original program by virtue of their long track record of not having a clue what they were on about, and the profile of the game was raised as more and more parents could be fleeced out of an ever larger part of their shrinking income to fund this ‘next big thing’. Soccer Amerika Direct has marveled at the way our coaches have packaged this idea and sold it to an unsuspecting public to the point where the parents of kids as young as 4 years old have been seduced by this single word miracle.
It is therefore with great pleasure that our SADFOOLS bestow their 2010 lifetime achievement award to the abuse, misuse and blatant commercial exploitation of the word ACADEMY.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Final Straight
So, 2010 brings the last few months of my eldest daughter’s high school career! Just a spring season of soccer to go and then it’s off to college for the twisted little cow. This week we’ve been mulling over another college offer. Well, it’s not really an offer, it’s more of a sales brochure that we received in the mail, but we’re calling it another offer whenever I have to talk to any of those skanky bitch moms on her travel team.
I’m not sure that this particular college is right for her however. It’s a Division III school and since division three doesn’t have sports scholarships I can’t even pretend she’s getting a full ride for soccer the way lots of her teammates do with the Div I & II schools. Plus, it might not be a very good fit for her academically. She wants to study Teen Sexual Health and Contraception with a view to becoming a family planning counselor, but they don’t offer that course at Our Immaculate Mary College of The Blessed Maiden in Boston.
The soccer program doesn’t look too great either. The team’s position in the RLCC (Recovering Lapsed Catholics Conference) is under threat after the coach of the team that they knocked out in the first round of the post-season lodged an official protest. Apparently he is claiming that our team had too many players on the field by virtue of the fact that three of the girls on our team are pregnant. Our coach says that there is no case to answer because life doesn’t begin at conception. I was a bit surprised to hear him say that but it does at least show that he has the winning mentality of a soccer coach who can successfully abandon his principles for a deep run into the playoffs.
Plus we don’t know how long Coach Yerkov is going to be there. All is not well between him and the Athletic Director, Cardinal Fiddleabout, whom the coach accuses of deliberately knocking the three girls up with a view to undermining his position. The AD has countered with an accusation that the coach had sex in the port-a-john at the side of the field during the half-time break when we were 7-0 up against Holy Redeemer Blessed Are The Meek For They Always Lose In The PK Shootout College For The Bewildered. When it was pointed out to the AD that the coach was in there on his own he replied “Exactly my point.”
So we have lots to think about: the upcoming soccer season, prom, graduation, and most importantly, how in the name of god am I going to make it look like the college she ends up attending is the one she wanted to go to all along?
I’m not sure that this particular college is right for her however. It’s a Division III school and since division three doesn’t have sports scholarships I can’t even pretend she’s getting a full ride for soccer the way lots of her teammates do with the Div I & II schools. Plus, it might not be a very good fit for her academically. She wants to study Teen Sexual Health and Contraception with a view to becoming a family planning counselor, but they don’t offer that course at Our Immaculate Mary College of The Blessed Maiden in Boston.
The soccer program doesn’t look too great either. The team’s position in the RLCC (Recovering Lapsed Catholics Conference) is under threat after the coach of the team that they knocked out in the first round of the post-season lodged an official protest. Apparently he is claiming that our team had too many players on the field by virtue of the fact that three of the girls on our team are pregnant. Our coach says that there is no case to answer because life doesn’t begin at conception. I was a bit surprised to hear him say that but it does at least show that he has the winning mentality of a soccer coach who can successfully abandon his principles for a deep run into the playoffs.
Plus we don’t know how long Coach Yerkov is going to be there. All is not well between him and the Athletic Director, Cardinal Fiddleabout, whom the coach accuses of deliberately knocking the three girls up with a view to undermining his position. The AD has countered with an accusation that the coach had sex in the port-a-john at the side of the field during the half-time break when we were 7-0 up against Holy Redeemer Blessed Are The Meek For They Always Lose In The PK Shootout College For The Bewildered. When it was pointed out to the AD that the coach was in there on his own he replied “Exactly my point.”
So we have lots to think about: the upcoming soccer season, prom, graduation, and most importantly, how in the name of god am I going to make it look like the college she ends up attending is the one she wanted to go to all along?
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