The Final Straight

So, 2010 brings the last few months of my eldest daughter’s high school career! Just a spring season of soccer to go and then it’s off to college for the twisted little cow. This week we’ve been mulling over another college offer. Well, it’s not really an offer, it’s more of a sales brochure that we received in the mail, but we’re calling it another offer whenever I have to talk to any of those skanky bitch moms on her travel team.

I’m not sure that this particular college is right for her however. It’s a Division III school and since division three doesn’t have sports scholarships I can’t even pretend she’s getting a full ride for soccer the way lots of her teammates do with the Div I & II schools. Plus, it might not be a very good fit for her academically. She wants to study Teen Sexual Health and Contraception with a view to becoming a family planning counselor, but they don’t offer that course at Our Immaculate Mary College of The Blessed Maiden in Boston.

The soccer program doesn’t look too great either. The team’s position in the RLCC (Recovering Lapsed Catholics Conference) is under threat after the coach of the team that they knocked out in the first round of the post-season lodged an official protest. Apparently he is claiming that our team had too many players on the field by virtue of the fact that three of the girls on our team are pregnant. Our coach says that there is no case to answer because life doesn’t begin at conception. I was a bit surprised to hear him say that but it does at least show that he has the winning mentality of a soccer coach who can successfully abandon his principles for a deep run into the playoffs.

Plus we don’t know how long Coach Yerkov is going to be there. All is not well between him and the Athletic Director, Cardinal Fiddleabout, whom the coach accuses of deliberately knocking the three girls up with a view to undermining his position. The AD has countered with an accusation that the coach had sex in the port-a-john at the side of the field during the half-time break when we were 7-0 up against Holy Redeemer Blessed Are The Meek For They Always Lose In The PK Shootout College For The Bewildered. When it was pointed out to the AD that the coach was in there on his own he replied “Exactly my point.”

So we have lots to think about: the upcoming soccer season, prom, graduation, and most importantly, how in the name of god am I going to make it look like the college she ends up attending is the one she wanted to go to all along?