Nicknames

What is it with these politically correct thought police who want us to stop using nicknames for all kids on the team? Is this what it has come to as the first decade of the new millennium shudders to an end? When little ‘Psycho’ gets back from his anger-management classes we can’t welcome him in the normal manner? When ‘Suck Up’ carries the coach’s bag back to his car again we all have to say “thank you Andrew?” I can’t even call Mary’s kid ‘The Judge’ any more even though he spends all that time on the bench?

Well I’m not going to be told by some hyper-sensitive, NPR listening, liberal tree hugger what I can and can’t do! Our starting center-back will always be ‘A.D.D.’ as far as I’m concerned even though he has so much Ritalin in him I swear he rattles as he runs. ‘Stoner Boy’ has been my name of choice for the addict’s kid for as long as I can remember and ‘Charity’ is my constant reminder to the scholarship kid of how lucky he is to be on the team. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Hispanic kid with the fancy foot skills likes me calling him ‘Juan on Juan’ even though his name is really Peter.

Even our coach enters into the spirit of things and answers to a variety of names. Sally calls him ‘Chewbacca’ because she can’t understand a word the crazy foreigner says. Tim refers to him as ‘IRS’ which is something to do with him always wanting to be paid in cash, and I call him ‘Big Guy’ which I realize you won’t understand because he’s only 5’ 2”, but I know him a little better than the rest of you.

So let’s kick back at these fools by taking it to the next level and starting to use nicknames for the crazy parents too! Now that George is back from rehab we can call him ‘Needles’ again and his wife can be ‘Desperado’. The team manager should be called ‘Sticky Fingers’ for the deft way she manages the money, while the fat goalie’s dad should be ‘Dr. Atkins’. But if that greasy lecherous father of our striker ogles down my top one more time and calls me ‘Twin Peaks’ again I swear I’m going to kick him in the size fives, because that is just totally insensitive!