Pay To Play!

I really don’t know why everyone is getting their thongs in a bunch over this so-called economic crisis. Last night I was reclining with the pool boy in my late husband’s leather laz-e-boy, sipping a cocktail that the maid had brought me, and surfing through the HD channels on our 96” flat screen when I stumbled upon those self-righteous dingbats on HBO’s “Real Sports” show. To start with there was a nice encouraging article, that my nancy-boy son ought to have watched, about how our real American young men get back into a proper sporting endeavor within just a few minutes of taking a good old fashioned concussive hit – way to go gridiron boys! That’s the spirit!

However, it was all downhill from there on. The next item was about some bunch of hover mothers down in Ohio who want to increase my taxes to keep their high school sports programs running! What is it with these people? Don’t they know that REDUCING taxes is as American as Friday night football? Get outa here! I can solve all you pinko commie girl’s problems with just one little phrase – Pay-To-Play!

Let’s look at the benefits of Pay-To-Play in high school sports:

1 – No riff-raff! School sports don’t allow failing kids, and they don’t allow ill-disciplined kids, so why do we allow poor kids? We have standards to uphold and we don’t want any badly dressed kids rolling up to the games in their clapped out Hondas and putting on their Walmart cleats! I don’t care how frickin’ good you are.

2 – More coaching responsibility. If I hand over the hard earned interest on my father’s investments to the team then I have every right to expect to see my kid on the field. That should make sure the coach is responsible for getting him ready to play. Don’t give me any of that “not good enough” BS – I’ve paid you good money to make him good enough. And as for your stupid coach’s discipline of ‘no-practice, no-play’, well how about my new version for you; ‘no play, no pay’!

3 – Reduced roster sizes. Back when I was in high school only the very best athletes made the varsity roster. These days kids wander around with more letters than Vennegor Of Hesselink has on the back of his shirt. With Pay-To-Play, not only can my kid get the coaching attention he needs but our varsity athletes can walk around the school getting the proper respect their parent’s income deserves.

So roll on economic downturn I say! The only thing I’m not sure about is the name. “Pay-to-Play” doesn’t quite have the ring to it. How about we call it Club, or Select, or Travel, or……