Thursday, February 26, 2009
Communicating With The Coach
I encourage every parent to speak regularly with their team coach to help build the sort of rapport that I have with ours. The louder you speak usually works best. Some coaches just don't get it, do they? My daughter was stuck at the back protecting our eight game, zero goals given up record, and was missing out on all the glory that those snotty kids playing up front get every time they score a goal. So I spoke loudly and firmly to the coach to remind him who pays his wages. I also let him know that I have been watching soccer for many weeks now so I know what I’m talking about. I put him right in his place and my kid was moved up front. When we lost the next three games in a row I had to speak to him again about playing kids out of their natural position and in roles which they are not suited for. Most of these dumba$$ coaches just don’t know what they are doing.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Little One
I think my decision to ‘hot house’ my youngest daughter is beginning to pay off. After the moderate success of my eldest girl, and the disaster that my son is developing into, I was determined to get this one right! I think the fact that my youngest was a National Indoor Champion last year in the U4 division, and made it to the finals of the U5 3v3 World Championships this year is a pretty good indication that I’m doing something right, don’t you think?
A good grounding in the game is essential and I put a lot of her success down to the SoccaSpawn program that I enrolled her in about 15 minutes after she was conceived. During the gestation period of your superstar-in-waiting this program applies a series of carefully crafted audio-visual stimuli to the foetus. My daughter was already kicking in the womb at the sound of any foreign accent that would holler “man-on!” The visual element comes indirectly through the parent who watches video recordings of a series of interminably boring 0-0 ties between two non-entity EPL outfits called Fulham and Bolton. As a result, in later life, she’s likely to be superb at the sleep-inducing approach which is widely referred to as patient build up play.
The real meat of the program starts once the subjects can walk - although you will find the occasional fanatical nut-case parent who tries to get around this stage. My youngest was walking at 10 months but I then spent a frustrating six-week period spinning my wheels when we couldn’t get her the Adidas Tunits with the clima-cool chassis in a color which she liked. However, once she was kitted out properly it was time to hand her over to her Head Facilitator (none of that old-fashioned ‘coach’ nonsense for my kid).
At the end of the first session I could tell she was in good hands when the facilitator told me that he liked my daughter’s proprioceptive movement and spatial awareness. I wasn’t completely sure what he meant by that but it did give me the impression that I was getting good value for my money and it was worth it just to see the look on my girlfriend’s face as the only creative thing her demented little kid did all session was to soil another diaper.
He did say that both me and my daughter could do with a little bit of work on our socialization skills. That remark had a bit too much of an Obama sound to it for my liking and I’ll have to keep my eye open for any more of that sort of left wing talk from these highly creative types. After all, I just want everyone to get all along with each other.
A good grounding in the game is essential and I put a lot of her success down to the SoccaSpawn program that I enrolled her in about 15 minutes after she was conceived. During the gestation period of your superstar-in-waiting this program applies a series of carefully crafted audio-visual stimuli to the foetus. My daughter was already kicking in the womb at the sound of any foreign accent that would holler “man-on!” The visual element comes indirectly through the parent who watches video recordings of a series of interminably boring 0-0 ties between two non-entity EPL outfits called Fulham and Bolton. As a result, in later life, she’s likely to be superb at the sleep-inducing approach which is widely referred to as patient build up play.
The real meat of the program starts once the subjects can walk - although you will find the occasional fanatical nut-case parent who tries to get around this stage. My youngest was walking at 10 months but I then spent a frustrating six-week period spinning my wheels when we couldn’t get her the Adidas Tunits with the clima-cool chassis in a color which she liked. However, once she was kitted out properly it was time to hand her over to her Head Facilitator (none of that old-fashioned ‘coach’ nonsense for my kid).
At the end of the first session I could tell she was in good hands when the facilitator told me that he liked my daughter’s proprioceptive movement and spatial awareness. I wasn’t completely sure what he meant by that but it did give me the impression that I was getting good value for my money and it was worth it just to see the look on my girlfriend’s face as the only creative thing her demented little kid did all session was to soil another diaper.
He did say that both me and my daughter could do with a little bit of work on our socialization skills. That remark had a bit too much of an Obama sound to it for my liking and I’ll have to keep my eye open for any more of that sort of left wing talk from these highly creative types. After all, I just want everyone to get all along with each other.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
An Apology
As a parent I feel it is my duty to apologize to the wider soccer community for the actions of my son during last night’s game at the Ultimate Prices Soccer Arena. Most of you will know the pain I have had to suffer in raising this spawn of the Nebraska Nutcrunchers' assistant associate coach, but last night he pushed me over the edge.
After having spent the whole of his mid-winter break in front of the TV watching those fancy-dancers in the EPL tripping their twinkle toes through defenses that couldn’t contain the contents of his sister’s training bra, he gets it into his head that he has to try and emulate them. So, deep into stoppage time in a tied game, he somehow manages to waltz into the box without screwing up like he usually does. Then, to my total shame, he flops over under the slightest of contacts to his left ear by the cleat of the opposing team’s central defender. Unfortunately for the concept of fair play, the ref was some 40 yards behind at the time adjusting his knee brace, but raised his head just in time to award us a PK with only seconds to play. The boy blunder steps up to convert the kick for his first goal since at least last Saturday.
Oh yes, the parents were all smiles to my face at the end, but I could see what they were really thinking: Why can’t he do a crunching tackle on their star striker in the opening minute? Why can’t he leave the impression of his expensive cleats on the leg of their left outside mid? Why can’t he give us the good old ‘shoulder to chest’ move? Why can’t he be a manly cheat like the rest of the boys?
After having spent the whole of his mid-winter break in front of the TV watching those fancy-dancers in the EPL tripping their twinkle toes through defenses that couldn’t contain the contents of his sister’s training bra, he gets it into his head that he has to try and emulate them. So, deep into stoppage time in a tied game, he somehow manages to waltz into the box without screwing up like he usually does. Then, to my total shame, he flops over under the slightest of contacts to his left ear by the cleat of the opposing team’s central defender. Unfortunately for the concept of fair play, the ref was some 40 yards behind at the time adjusting his knee brace, but raised his head just in time to award us a PK with only seconds to play. The boy blunder steps up to convert the kick for his first goal since at least last Saturday.
Oh yes, the parents were all smiles to my face at the end, but I could see what they were really thinking: Why can’t he do a crunching tackle on their star striker in the opening minute? Why can’t he leave the impression of his expensive cleats on the leg of their left outside mid? Why can’t he give us the good old ‘shoulder to chest’ move? Why can’t he be a manly cheat like the rest of the boys?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Developing The Premier Player
The soccer world will be delighted to know that a reputable website has demonstrated a level of class and sophistication beyond what I am used to here in the frozen mid-west by picking up on my blog. This website also has a thread entitled “What Makes The Premier Player?” Being the parent of two outstanding soccer legends (let’s not talk about ‘the boy’) I’m sure you will all be desperate to get my take on the subject.
The first and foremost requirement in creating a premier player is high-priced coaching. And I’m not talking about the makeshift, read-it-off-the-back-of-a-Wheaties-box stuff which passes for coaching with all those clubs apart from the one my daughters play with.
No, I’m talking about world class, cutting edge instruction such as that to be found at the Victoria Beckham Soccer Academy. The fragrant side of soccer’s royal couple has the solid experience you need to give credibility to her soccer syllabus which includes:
1 – How to make a long and distinguished career with a distinct lack of talent.
2 – The ‘push-up’ principal and how to use it to catch the eye.
3 – How to marry into a talented soccer team.
4 – Breeding the next generation of soccer superstars.
5 – The cut and run back to Europe technique.
Almost as important is the need to look the part. Intimidating the opposition by showing up in matching ClimaDryFit gear with warm-up shirts and three full uniform sets for home, away and alternate occasions is an essential part of the modern game. It is very encouraging to see Michigan clubs adopting the same techniques used by world class teams like Madchester Untied who have perfected the art of using the multiple uniform tactical formation to generate solid results.
It goes without saying that equipment is essential. My readers will be distressed to learn that my own promising soccer career ground to halt when my mis-guided parents spent too much time focusing on whether or not my cleats fitted me. Had they had the benefit of the knowledge I have since gained they would have known that I could have been a world beater if only my cleats had been fashioned from the skin of a recently deceased antipodean marsupial, and been complete with enhanced predator elements, weight shift power shot technology, and surface specific traxion power drives. Parents should also be aware that providing your offspring with the cheapest pair of cleats on an 18 man roster can lead to ridicule and a career ending loss of confidence.
Of course the games you play are a prime consideration. It is a scientifically proven fact that it is impossible to find the level of competition you need to develop as a premier player within a 400 mile radius of your team’s home base. Recent research has indicated that crossing two state lines is the minimum requirement to get a half way decent game of soccer. Fortunately the modern soccer environment is blessed with a number of dedicated individuals who are willing to travel such distances on a regular basis to support your prospect for a trifling recompense, travel expenses, and full lodging at a minimum 4 star hotel.
In summary, what it takes to be a premier player is very simple; $120,000.
The first and foremost requirement in creating a premier player is high-priced coaching. And I’m not talking about the makeshift, read-it-off-the-back-of-a-Wheaties-box stuff which passes for coaching with all those clubs apart from the one my daughters play with.
No, I’m talking about world class, cutting edge instruction such as that to be found at the Victoria Beckham Soccer Academy. The fragrant side of soccer’s royal couple has the solid experience you need to give credibility to her soccer syllabus which includes:
1 – How to make a long and distinguished career with a distinct lack of talent.
2 – The ‘push-up’ principal and how to use it to catch the eye.
3 – How to marry into a talented soccer team.
4 – Breeding the next generation of soccer superstars.
5 – The cut and run back to Europe technique.
Almost as important is the need to look the part. Intimidating the opposition by showing up in matching ClimaDryFit gear with warm-up shirts and three full uniform sets for home, away and alternate occasions is an essential part of the modern game. It is very encouraging to see Michigan clubs adopting the same techniques used by world class teams like Madchester Untied who have perfected the art of using the multiple uniform tactical formation to generate solid results.
It goes without saying that equipment is essential. My readers will be distressed to learn that my own promising soccer career ground to halt when my mis-guided parents spent too much time focusing on whether or not my cleats fitted me. Had they had the benefit of the knowledge I have since gained they would have known that I could have been a world beater if only my cleats had been fashioned from the skin of a recently deceased antipodean marsupial, and been complete with enhanced predator elements, weight shift power shot technology, and surface specific traxion power drives. Parents should also be aware that providing your offspring with the cheapest pair of cleats on an 18 man roster can lead to ridicule and a career ending loss of confidence.
Of course the games you play are a prime consideration. It is a scientifically proven fact that it is impossible to find the level of competition you need to develop as a premier player within a 400 mile radius of your team’s home base. Recent research has indicated that crossing two state lines is the minimum requirement to get a half way decent game of soccer. Fortunately the modern soccer environment is blessed with a number of dedicated individuals who are willing to travel such distances on a regular basis to support your prospect for a trifling recompense, travel expenses, and full lodging at a minimum 4 star hotel.
In summary, what it takes to be a premier player is very simple; $120,000.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sex In The City
So there I was sitting in a cubicle in the Ladies restroom at Ultimate Soccer when I overheard a conversation that I clearly was not supposed to be party to! Now, you all know that I’m not the type to spread gossip or report anything that I can’t back up with solid facts (apart from that tiny little comment I made about the state cup winning team who earned their victory on the back of a bad call by that assistant ref who is in the gay relationship with unlicensed coaching son of the club director who takes those extra payments from AdiNiki for placing all the uniform business with them), but this time I have to bring something to your attention before I have done the due diligence that posters on this forum have come to expect of me.
It turns out from this conversation that there is a Michigan coach who selects his team on the basis of how good-looking the mother is! Let me just say that I am shocked! My immediate reaction was one of relief to realize that it is not our coach because so many of the other mothers on our team are such complete dogs that there is no way it could be us.
Supposing this is actually a wider trend? I actually feel quite violated to think that some of the coaches we have tried out for over the years could be looking at me in that way! Every 15th of June on tryout day I make a special effort to make myself look presentable so that the coach will realize that he is dealing with kids from a respectable background. Of course June is a warm time of year so a deeply plunging neckline is entirely appropriate but supposing one of these guys was an ogler? I shudder to think that my tottering across a soccer field in six inch stilettos with a halter top and micro-shorts could have been construed as anything other than style and sophistication. I’m in a complete panic to think what our own coach thought when I told him that I could do a few special tricks with the ball in my time.
Anyway, these two mothers were comparing notes about the, how shall I put it, ‘performance’ of their particular coach – and I don’t mean how far up the table the team finished. The trouble with Ultimate Soccer is that it is so new and the restrooms are so beautiful that I couldn’t find a peep space to check out what club colors these ‘ladies’ were wearing. I really wanted to find out who this stud coach was – but purely in the interests of warning you all about him.
It also seems that this blatant sexist approach by some in the soccer community extends beyond the coaching staff. Some of the email feedback to my blog has taken on a decidedly racy tone in the past few days. This has to stop! I am here in the interests of youth sports and literature, nothing else. So thanks for all the comments about being “hot” and telling me what you’d like to do for me but that is out of the question unless you have some influence on team selection at the state level or above.
It turns out from this conversation that there is a Michigan coach who selects his team on the basis of how good-looking the mother is! Let me just say that I am shocked! My immediate reaction was one of relief to realize that it is not our coach because so many of the other mothers on our team are such complete dogs that there is no way it could be us.
Supposing this is actually a wider trend? I actually feel quite violated to think that some of the coaches we have tried out for over the years could be looking at me in that way! Every 15th of June on tryout day I make a special effort to make myself look presentable so that the coach will realize that he is dealing with kids from a respectable background. Of course June is a warm time of year so a deeply plunging neckline is entirely appropriate but supposing one of these guys was an ogler? I shudder to think that my tottering across a soccer field in six inch stilettos with a halter top and micro-shorts could have been construed as anything other than style and sophistication. I’m in a complete panic to think what our own coach thought when I told him that I could do a few special tricks with the ball in my time.
Anyway, these two mothers were comparing notes about the, how shall I put it, ‘performance’ of their particular coach – and I don’t mean how far up the table the team finished. The trouble with Ultimate Soccer is that it is so new and the restrooms are so beautiful that I couldn’t find a peep space to check out what club colors these ‘ladies’ were wearing. I really wanted to find out who this stud coach was – but purely in the interests of warning you all about him.
It also seems that this blatant sexist approach by some in the soccer community extends beyond the coaching staff. Some of the email feedback to my blog has taken on a decidedly racy tone in the past few days. This has to stop! I am here in the interests of youth sports and literature, nothing else. So thanks for all the comments about being “hot” and telling me what you’d like to do for me but that is out of the question unless you have some influence on team selection at the state level or above.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Poor Sophie
You gotta love my girlfriend Sophie! We’ve been friends for ages – ever since I realized that her elder daughter wasn’t as good a player as mine and wasn’t a threat to her spot in their club team starting line up. Sophie and I have traveled with the girls to tournaments all over the mid-west and I really don’t mind driving her everywhere because it’s nice to help out people who don’t have as much money, isn’t it? Our eldest daughters get on so well together and my girl says that these days she hardly notices all those extra pounds that her BFF is carrying.
I’m sure Sophie wouldn’t mind me telling you that when we first met she was quite a mild mannered person but I’m pleased to say that I’ve managed to get her to come out of her shell and taught her the art of standing up for herself and her girls! I’m such a good influence.
She sends her girls to the local public high school which is OK I suppose if you want your kids to learn to deal with the lower social orders. The soccer program over there doesn’t have the benefits of being able to recruit the way our school does but I suppose the huge number of girls that tryout give the “coach” (that’s really what they call him!! How quaint is that!?) a lot to choose from.
Right now they have a policy of not cutting any seniors, although we hear the coach wants to drop that rule. I’ve told Sophie that she can’t let that happen! No way, baby! Her eldest daughter spent all that time on the JV roster and then parked her big wide ass on the bench for most of her junior year so this is her time! She deserves it! Sophie thought it might be better just to let the cards fall however they will, but I’m glad she saw sense when I drafted that letter to the AD and had her sign it.
They also have a ‘no freshmen on Varsity’ policy over there and the coach wants to change that too. I guess that didn’t matter to Sophie when her eldest was a freshman because, let’s be honest, unlike my daughter her girl was never going to be on varsity as a freshie, was she? But if they change the policy now and bring freshmen into varsity then that could be even more pressure on her eldest girl’s roster spot, couldn’t it?
The real trouble is that their coach has his eye on a freshman who is an outstanding prospect. This girl is an MRL club player and captains the regional ODP team in her age group. Supposedly the national team is looking at her and, although it pains me to say it, she is a natural. It just so happens that this stud player is Sophie’s younger daughter.
So now she’s on the horns of a dilemma right? I’ve told her for years that she has to stand up for what is best for her girls the way I do even if it’s not the best thing for the program. Isn’t that what being an active parent like me is all about? But now she has to decide whether to oppose the change to the freshman rule to keep her oldest kid in the program, or support the change to let her youngest have the chance to be a four-year starter. Basically she has to choose between her girls. I guess that’s Sophie’s choice.
I’m sure Sophie wouldn’t mind me telling you that when we first met she was quite a mild mannered person but I’m pleased to say that I’ve managed to get her to come out of her shell and taught her the art of standing up for herself and her girls! I’m such a good influence.
She sends her girls to the local public high school which is OK I suppose if you want your kids to learn to deal with the lower social orders. The soccer program over there doesn’t have the benefits of being able to recruit the way our school does but I suppose the huge number of girls that tryout give the “coach” (that’s really what they call him!! How quaint is that!?) a lot to choose from.
Right now they have a policy of not cutting any seniors, although we hear the coach wants to drop that rule. I’ve told Sophie that she can’t let that happen! No way, baby! Her eldest daughter spent all that time on the JV roster and then parked her big wide ass on the bench for most of her junior year so this is her time! She deserves it! Sophie thought it might be better just to let the cards fall however they will, but I’m glad she saw sense when I drafted that letter to the AD and had her sign it.
They also have a ‘no freshmen on Varsity’ policy over there and the coach wants to change that too. I guess that didn’t matter to Sophie when her eldest was a freshman because, let’s be honest, unlike my daughter her girl was never going to be on varsity as a freshie, was she? But if they change the policy now and bring freshmen into varsity then that could be even more pressure on her eldest girl’s roster spot, couldn’t it?
The real trouble is that their coach has his eye on a freshman who is an outstanding prospect. This girl is an MRL club player and captains the regional ODP team in her age group. Supposedly the national team is looking at her and, although it pains me to say it, she is a natural. It just so happens that this stud player is Sophie’s younger daughter.
So now she’s on the horns of a dilemma right? I’ve told her for years that she has to stand up for what is best for her girls the way I do even if it’s not the best thing for the program. Isn’t that what being an active parent like me is all about? But now she has to decide whether to oppose the change to the freshman rule to keep her oldest kid in the program, or support the change to let her youngest have the chance to be a four-year starter. Basically she has to choose between her girls. I guess that’s Sophie’s choice.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Boy Blunder
That bone-headed boy of mine is back to driving me crazy! If I ever run into his real father again I’ll be sure to let him know what a fool his donation grew up to be.
I’ve worked like a dog to get him where he is today. I’ve spent every penny I earn. I’ve made myself into a complete bitch by bad mouthing every other kid. I’ve humiliated myself by dressing and acting like a complete skank in the presence of any coach or manager. And, of course, I’ve used my position on the school board to end the careers of two high school coaches and an athletic director because they weren’t in tune with my way of thinking. All of this and then finally success – we buy him a spot on one of the Academy teams!
But is he grateful? Oh no! The little shit spends all his time moaning about how he hardly ever gets to play the game anymore. Goes on and on about how he used to play two or three times a week with his club or with his buddies in the indoor league. Keeps telling me that the highlight of his career was some come-from-behind win in a holiday 3v3 tournament with his sister and his cousins from Tucson! Please!
I can’t help but think that the poor demented fool is going to have a hissy-fit when the Academy finally gets round to deciding that High School soccer is a no-no. Bonehead, the boy-blunder, seems to like all that kick and rush stuff with the poor kids.
Why can’t he see that a 30 game per year season is in the best interests of the national team? This country needs him to show a little sacrifice. Doesn’t he realize that elite soccer is not about playing the game you love as often as you can? Doesn’t he realize that it’s got nothing to do with enjoying yourself? Why can’t he understand that the top level of youth soccer is all about being very well prepared for something that you’ll probably never get the chance to do?
I’ve worked like a dog to get him where he is today. I’ve spent every penny I earn. I’ve made myself into a complete bitch by bad mouthing every other kid. I’ve humiliated myself by dressing and acting like a complete skank in the presence of any coach or manager. And, of course, I’ve used my position on the school board to end the careers of two high school coaches and an athletic director because they weren’t in tune with my way of thinking. All of this and then finally success – we buy him a spot on one of the Academy teams!
But is he grateful? Oh no! The little shit spends all his time moaning about how he hardly ever gets to play the game anymore. Goes on and on about how he used to play two or three times a week with his club or with his buddies in the indoor league. Keeps telling me that the highlight of his career was some come-from-behind win in a holiday 3v3 tournament with his sister and his cousins from Tucson! Please!
I can’t help but think that the poor demented fool is going to have a hissy-fit when the Academy finally gets round to deciding that High School soccer is a no-no. Bonehead, the boy-blunder, seems to like all that kick and rush stuff with the poor kids.
Why can’t he see that a 30 game per year season is in the best interests of the national team? This country needs him to show a little sacrifice. Doesn’t he realize that elite soccer is not about playing the game you love as often as you can? Doesn’t he realize that it’s got nothing to do with enjoying yourself? Why can’t he understand that the top level of youth soccer is all about being very well prepared for something that you’ll probably never get the chance to do?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Creative Coaching
Not long to go now until the girls high school season starts here in Michigan! I can’t wait until the shackles are removed and we can start to practice and play in earnest. I think the MHSAA is so smart in having these tight rules designed to prevent high school age kids from having fun. It really gives us parents a chance to see just how clever the coach is as he is forced to come up with ever more devious ways to get around the rules and allow the girls to practice before the official date.
I really think our new coach could be the most creative we have had in the history of the program. Not only did he get blessed with the fact that five girls from his MRL travel team just happened to move into the district right after he was appointed, but he also came up with the idea of holding the conditioning classes in the old junior high gym where no-one ever goes and we can use the balls as often as we like!
He also has a fantastic ability to plan ahead with the word being that he had completed his tryouts just before the Christmas break! How efficient is that?! This has given the varsity starting line-up the chance to play together in the indoor league at Ultidome under the watchful eye of a tame parent. You know I think the coach and this parent are so alike each other in lots of ways – the parent spends almost the whole game on his cell phone and there is the coach, watching from the opposite side, on his cell phone too!
For all his creativity and efficiency he is also pretty flexible and open to parent input. For example we all noticed that Edna Wellthorpe’s daughter started to play with the Ultidome team just after Edna had been spotted making out with the coach at a ball-handling clinic he held for inexperienced parents.
So roll on March 9th and I hope the season isn’t spoiled by those cynics who find fault with everything.
I really think our new coach could be the most creative we have had in the history of the program. Not only did he get blessed with the fact that five girls from his MRL travel team just happened to move into the district right after he was appointed, but he also came up with the idea of holding the conditioning classes in the old junior high gym where no-one ever goes and we can use the balls as often as we like!
He also has a fantastic ability to plan ahead with the word being that he had completed his tryouts just before the Christmas break! How efficient is that?! This has given the varsity starting line-up the chance to play together in the indoor league at Ultidome under the watchful eye of a tame parent. You know I think the coach and this parent are so alike each other in lots of ways – the parent spends almost the whole game on his cell phone and there is the coach, watching from the opposite side, on his cell phone too!
For all his creativity and efficiency he is also pretty flexible and open to parent input. For example we all noticed that Edna Wellthorpe’s daughter started to play with the Ultidome team just after Edna had been spotted making out with the coach at a ball-handling clinic he held for inexperienced parents.
So roll on March 9th and I hope the season isn’t spoiled by those cynics who find fault with everything.
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