Sex In The City

So there I was sitting in a cubicle in the Ladies restroom at Ultimate Soccer when I overheard a conversation that I clearly was not supposed to be party to! Now, you all know that I’m not the type to spread gossip or report anything that I can’t back up with solid facts (apart from that tiny little comment I made about the state cup winning team who earned their victory on the back of a bad call by that assistant ref who is in the gay relationship with unlicensed coaching son of the club director who takes those extra payments from AdiNiki for placing all the uniform business with them), but this time I have to bring something to your attention before I have done the due diligence that posters on this forum have come to expect of me.

It turns out from this conversation that there is a Michigan coach who selects his team on the basis of how good-looking the mother is! Let me just say that I am shocked! My immediate reaction was one of relief to realize that it is not our coach because so many of the other mothers on our team are such complete dogs that there is no way it could be us.

Supposing this is actually a wider trend? I actually feel quite violated to think that some of the coaches we have tried out for over the years could be looking at me in that way! Every 15th of June on tryout day I make a special effort to make myself look presentable so that the coach will realize that he is dealing with kids from a respectable background. Of course June is a warm time of year so a deeply plunging neckline is entirely appropriate but supposing one of these guys was an ogler? I shudder to think that my tottering across a soccer field in six inch stilettos with a halter top and micro-shorts could have been construed as anything other than style and sophistication. I’m in a complete panic to think what our own coach thought when I told him that I could do a few special tricks with the ball in my time.

Anyway, these two mothers were comparing notes about the, how shall I put it, ‘performance’ of their particular coach – and I don’t mean how far up the table the team finished. The trouble with Ultimate Soccer is that it is so new and the restrooms are so beautiful that I couldn’t find a peep space to check out what club colors these ‘ladies’ were wearing. I really wanted to find out who this stud coach was – but purely in the interests of warning you all about him.

It also seems that this blatant sexist approach by some in the soccer community extends beyond the coaching staff. Some of the email feedback to my blog has taken on a decidedly racy tone in the past few days. This has to stop! I am here in the interests of youth sports and literature, nothing else. So thanks for all the comments about being “hot” and telling me what you’d like to do for me but that is out of the question unless you have some influence on team selection at the state level or above.