Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Meet The Parents

With the girl’s high school season underway our team held its traditional “Meet The Parents” get-together last night. What a trip to the zoo that turned out to be!

We started off by going round the room introducing ourselves, stating which team our kid was on, and giving a little background ‘color’ information. Geez! Emily Hotshot’s mom should get a special award for the amount of times she was able to use the phrase ‘only freshman on varsity’ in a sixty second time period. For some reason that seemed to provoke Sonia Ovalooked’s mom into a bit of a tirade about “flaunting yourself” but it all settled down when they both agreed to hook up in the parking lot after the meeting to sort things out.

The too-much-information award goes to the wacko father who talked about the ‘healing power of sports’ and his hopes that being on the team would help his daughter get over her bi-polar disorder, anorexia and suicidal tendencies. I made a mental note to cancel the spaghetti lunch I was planning to host for the team.

The goalkeeper’s mom made a nice appeal for team unity, asking for an end to the name-calling that went on last year, and saying that she hoped her daughter’s senior year would be memorable for all the right reasons. I thought it was quite touching although I’m not sure that her cancerous, fat-ass, bitch of a daughter can follow through.

When it came to my turn I decided to just play it straight and let them only have the pertinent information such as the fact that my daughter plays travel for the most expensive club in the state, has a personal private skills trainer, and that we purchased a spot on this year’s ODP roster for her. I think the silence that followed is a clear indication that I had made my point although it was a bit dis-heartening to see the Athletic Director shrug his shoulders when the varsity coach asked him what ODP was.

Regretfully, by the time we got to the freshman team no-one seemed to be listening and the head coach was overheard saying that the didn’t know we had a freshman team.

Randy Ogler, President of the Boosters, started his presentation by welcoming his new wife to the board in her position as Treasurer. His ex-wife’s position as registrar remains vacant at this time, but his first wife has returned as social secretary. He asked for nominations for the registrar’s role but for some reason none of the fathers seemed willing to let their wives volunteer. Randy did ask for a few moments of silence to remember the previous treasurer but personally I thought it was a little bit tacky to be asked to bow our heads to honor someone who took his own life after being charged with embezzling $115,000 of our cash.

Finally it was the turn of the coach to lay his words of wisdom upon us. He made a big thing of reminding the girls about the school’s policy on alcohol and how, with prom, graduation, and open houses coming up this is particularly important. Poignant words from a man who will be back to riding the bus with us to away games this year following the loss of his driving license for a DUI conviction.

Yes, it was quite a night. Sometimes I think we are the only normal, well-adjusted family in the Midwest.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Reefer Madness

Life seems to be just one dilemma after another at the moment. Normally I’m such a positive person but right now I just don’t know what to do about a really delicate situation. It all started last weekend when I had signed up to be one of the parent chaperones on and out-of-state trip that my son’s academy team was making. I guess I didn’t know that it had been set up as some sort of ‘lads and dads’ weekend and that I’d be the only mom there.

The problem really began when we packed the boys off to bed to be well rested for the next morning’s game and we settled down in the hotel bar for a relaxing beverage. I guess that maybe I was getting a little bit too much attention from the gentlemen because after a while there seemed to be an awful lot of glasses on the table and I was feeling just a little bit light headed. Fortunately our very supportive coach offered to escort me outside for a breath of fresh air to try and clear my head. I must remember to let his wife know what a helpful guy he is next time I bump into her.

So there we are standing behind the air-conditioning unit, taking in the night air, and him helpfully assisting me to adjust my lingerie, which somehow had become hopelessly twisted, when a sweet pungent odor reaches my nostrils. Someone was very definitely getting their head together out there. To my experienced nose it seems like they were using a very nice Panamanian Red too! Nice gear! I couldn’t help but sneak a little peak and that’s when the horror struck. Standing there in full club warm-ups with reefer in hand was our very own center back Jorge Norealyank. Fortunately the coach seemed to be fairly distracted at the time and didn’t see him so I coughed a little warning cough and Jorge took off into the night with our little secret.

So, what’s a girl to do? It’s a tough situation. These are heavy matters we are dealing with and not something to be taken lightly. I know that I should do the right thing and turn him in to make more roster space for my own kid, but supposing I turn him in and the whole team gets eliminated from the program?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Some People!

Some people are never happy! You do your best to be a good sport and you get slapped in the face! What is the world coming to?

My eldest girl’s high school team played Patsy High the other night in what we all knew was a mis-match before we even started. The district mandates that we open the season with a local derby and for some strange reason our AD always seem to select our unfortunate friends from across the tracks. We have mercied them five times out of the last six games and even beat them 4-0 in what was old Todd Jentilman’s last game in charge before my boosters had him fired for his lack of ambition.

So the game kicks off and it’s not long before I’m getting that feeling of Déjà vu which lets me stop concentrating on the game and allows me to focus on whether or not they have any tasty looking fathers amongst the great unwashed over on the opposing bleachers. It’s already 7-0 by the time we make our first substitution and for some reason the opposing coach rolls his eyes as we bring on the last two seniors we have on the bench. What is his deal? We’re backing off by pulling a couple of starters and we get that kind of reaction! Our coach instructed the girls that they could only score with headers from then on although I accept that our striker Emily Goebbels might not quite have understood the idea when she dribbled the ball around their keeper, stopped it on the line, and got down on her hands and knees to tap it in with her head.

When we win a PK at 9-0 we do the right thing by bringing up our fat ass goalkeeper to take it only to be met with a barrage of boos from their fans. Yes, of course we celebrated the goal but that was our keeper’s first score in four years of varsity play so she deserves to be cheered wildly, don’t you think?

If you ask me the MHSAA is to blame with their stupid mercy rule says that the game only ends with an eight goal differential provided it’s gone into the second half. So that leaves us at 12-0 as the ref brings the first half to an end, giving our trainer the chance to be a decent guy by helping their keeper wipe the tears from her eyes.

With their kids having traveled all the way across town for this match our coach obviously thought they’d want as much playing time as possible in the second half so we did the right thing by playing a nice passing game to stretch things out for them. The boys in our student section appreciated our sportsmanship and got in on the act by hollering ‘Yo!’ with each subsequent pass. I counted 35 passes in a row before one of their kids got the ball. Then, do you know what the unsporting little bitch did? She turns around, blasts the ball into her own net, and they all troupe off the field and straight onto their bus before the blast of the ref’s whistle has even died away!

On the way out all I could hear were their parents muttering about ‘at least such-and-such a school just played the game’, or ‘they could have pulled the seniors’. One of them even suggested that we should have played our JV team! Now that would have been just disrespectful!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Up And Running!

Well, at last, my eldest daughter’s high school junior year soccer season has started in earnest! March’s tryout week has come and gone, ending with the traditional naming of the varsity roster that was chosen before Christmas. All that remains of the selection process is the blind disregard of the letters of complaint to the Athletic Director, and the tearful anonymous posts on the local on-line forum.

I just don’t understand why some parents get so stressed out at this time of year. Really, in your heart of hearts, you know whether or not you have donated enough to the booster’s fund for your kid to be sure of a varsity spot. The only real interest for me is trying to work out which parents will be far too proud to let their darling daughters accept a spot on the JV roster. Sometimes it can be as long as ten days before these sad losers are back in your face bragging about how their star is playing SuperMRL Premier Academy Elite with some out of state team that takes advantage of Michigan’s laissez-faire attitude to the sporting seasons. When will they learn that just because you are good at the game doesn’t mean that you are a ‘player’?

We play our first game tonight! It’s the traditional, non-conference, season opener against our old friends from the local, hopelessly under funded, public: Patsy High School. I’m not sure how I feel about the district forcing us to play these cannon fodder teams right off the bat. Sometimes it gives the girls a false sense of how we stack up. Still, it’s a home game, so if we mercy them early enough I can still be home in time to watch Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sports Section Game Report

Local police were forced to intervene following the acrimonious end to a regional semi-final soccer play off match on Saturday morning. Referee Todd Gimpyleg had called the game between Lowell Standards and Holier Than Thou Catholic with 5 minutes still on the clock after he was accosted on the field by parents from the opposing teams. Lowell Standards was leading the game 1-0 on a goal by standout striker Colin Hacker. Hacker, who is the prime suspect in the armed robbery of a Detroit liquor store, had transferred to Lowell from Holier and has had his eligibility questioned by his former coach at Holier, Sly Manoovers.

The Lowell team were tiring late in the game and struggling to protect their slender lead when Hacker took a cleat to the jaw in a high tackle by Holier center back Tony Noalterboy. Noalterboy was sent to the bench where he was absolved of any responsibility by school priest Father O’Forkristesake. Meanwhile Hacker was being carted to a waiting ambulance when a fan, sporting a Lowell sweatshirt, ran onto the field and assaulted the 300lb referee by over tightening the bindings on his knee braces. The fan was subsequently identified as Hacker’s father Bubba who was home on compassionate leave from state prison following the death of any sense of integrity in the local school system.

Feeling threatened, the referee called the game and awarded the win to Lowell who were leading at the time. Holier fans were incensed and accused the Lowell fan of deliberately forcing the ref to abandon the game at a point where they were under pressure and had lost their star player. A second fan, wearing Holier colors and later identified as Hacker’s estranged mother, Emily Skank, entered the field of play where she proceed to head butt the ref, slap her former husband, and berate her injured son for being a “thieving, alcoholic, junkie traitor”. Police were forced to restore order after Lowell coach Wynn Atnecost flew into a rage when Holier’s priest asked him if he wanted him to hear his confession now or later.

MHSAA officials confirmed that the result will stand unless their attorneys advise them that they might lose any subsequent law suit. When asked if the association’s current insolvency following the financial awards made against them in the wake of their mis-guided defense of the Title 9 case might influence their thinking, the official replied that he had no comment.

Meanwhile Hacker should recover from his injuries within six weeks meaning that he will be fit to stand trial on the robbery charges where, as a juvenile, he faces a four year stretch. Informed sources advise this newspaper that his time in therapy may be considerably longer.

Monday, March 9, 2009

What's In A Name?

I think a lot of our problems with club soccer here in Michigan all relate to the fact that we can’t market ourselves very well. Youth soccer teams are things to be loved and followed with a passion similar to the level some of you crazy parents lavish on your offspring. But let’s be honest; level headed folks like me know that it’s hard to love a team with the type of stupid name we pick here in this state. How can we promote teams with names like Waza, The Jags, or The Hawks when other states are coming up with really snappy monikers like NWA Alliance Elite Premier Gold, or Louisiana Meteors Futbol Athletic Organization (LMFAO)? Even the staid old Brits have come to understand that you can’t market names like Bolton, Derby or Stoke and that’s why the newest pro teams over there have easy to use names like the Milton Keynes Dons Football Club or, my own particular favorite, Inverness Caledonian Thistle FC. So let’s get with it Michigan and stop making ourselves sound ridiculous.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Colorado Vapids?

Why, oh why, can’t Michigan be as proactive as the other states in our union? You would have thought that with all the turmoil in our key industry we would have been the first to notice that the world is changing. Hello? I hate to break this to you, but there is a teensy-weensy bit of an economic crisis going on the moment! But, oh no, it’s takes all those honorary members of the mile high club over in Colorado to come up with the sort of innovative thinking that will get us through these trying times. A top soccer club over there has teamed up with a local credit union in order to be able to offer loans to their parents so that they will be able to continue with their kids soccer training in these days of foreclosures, layoffs and credit crunches. That’s the sort of priority setting we need to see here in the brain-freeze Midwest. It makes you weep to think that the one lone creative brain operating in our soccer administration couldn’t come up with that idea.

But it’s not enough just to copy these other forward thinking states. We need to start thinking ahead a little bit and try to leap frog these guys to get ourselves into the position of leaders instead of followers. So it’s time for us all to come together and lobby our fragrant Governor to be sure that a decent portion of our stimulus money goes straight into the pockets of our hardworking soccer community. Now before anyone gets all bent-out-of-shape and tells me that the least we should be doing is ensuring the money will go to folks who will actually pay a little bit of tax on it, may I remind you that the avoidance of tax payments is as American as apple pie and we should be encouraging our zany-accented guests to get with the program?

I also want to encourage you all to consider your kid’s soccer programs as part of their wider education and to finance them out of the trust funds you should have established to pay for their college. Since these funds are protected by law your kid can quite happily continue playing over-priced soccer even after you are declared bankrupt and flipped the bird to your mortgage company by defaulting on your payments! Am I smart, or what?

Now I’m not saying that we don’t have to make some adjustments to allow us to be able to continue with our number one priority. I know we have to tighten our belts a little bit. May I suggest that you think about investing in a nice new Isuzu Exploiter station wagon? The $7,000 you save compared to the nearest American built rival can be applied straight to your kid’s Development Academy fees and you’ll know that the consequent loss of any US based jobs should enhance your kid’s chances of a clear run at the open roster spots. It also gets 2 miles more to the gallon when you fill it with regular imported gas compared to that Nebraska corn based stuff so you can drive to even more remote tournaments! You’ll also be secure in the knowledge that by purchasing this type of vehicle you truly are supporting the soccer community because the kids of the folks who build the Exploiter spend their 18 hour days sewing the very same soccer balls that we kick around our carefully manicured fields. What a fantastic melting pot the world economy truly is!

Sports Section Follow Up

Sylvester ‘Sly’ Manoovers, varsity soccer coach at Holier-Than-Thou Catholic High School, today refused to confirm or deny that he is the source of the anonymous letter received by this newspaper questioning the eligibility of a rival soccer player. It was widely reported yesterday that Lowell Standards stand out, Colin Hacker, was the principal accused in the armed robbery of a city liquor store and should be considered ineligible for the showdown match between Lowell and Holier, due to be played this weekend. Details of the robbery had been sketchy until the letter, printed on Holier-Than-Thou headed note paper and smelling strongly of incense, was received at the Prep Sports Editor’s desk.

Sly did confirm that Hacker was a former student and top goal scorer at Holier, but had joined their local rival after he was forced to cut him from the roster on instructions of a “higher power”. When it was suggested to him that the higher power was school principal, Bishop Dogoodie, Manoovers responded “higher than that”.

Sly stated that he couldn’t understand how details of his former protégé’s previous convictions and drug related issues should suddenly become public on the eve of such an important soccer match, but he did call upon all parties to ‘do the right thing’. Manoovers holds a 0-12-0 record in matches against Lowell Standards and has been widely touted for a pink slip should his hapless charges lose at the weekend.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

From The Sports Section

Lowell Standards High School athletic director, Chuck Thetowelin, confirmed today that standout soccer prospect Colin Hacker would be allowed to participate in this weekend’s state tournament playoffs in spite of being charged in connection with an armed robbery at a Detroit liquor store. Thetowelin commented; “This school has a strong belief in the principles of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ – particularly where it applies to proven goalscorers”. The athletic director also stated that he thought it was unfair to consider the student’s three previous convictions since they occurred prior to his moving to the school district and that he was unaware of reported instances of ‘hi-jinks’ in the locker room. Hacker, who moved to Lowell Standards and became eligible to play with the state powerhouse after coming to ‘live with his great aunt’ at the start of the season, is said to be working hard at rebuilding his sports career after failing drug and sobriety tests at his previous school. Soccer coach Wynn Atnecost supported his striker’s position and ridiculed newspaper columnists who complained about Hacker sporting a “F*** You All” t-shirt at the playoffs media event on Tuesday saying that he had a responsibility to support his student’s right to free speech.

Atnecost confirmed that he is going into the tournament with an almost complete roster. Only bench-riding special-ed student Antonio Nicedude will be sidelined after missing practice to take part in remedial math classes when his grade point slipped below 2.81. Atnecost commented “Tony knows the standards we work to here and he has let himself and the team down”.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

More Good News!

It was nice to see that my eldest daughter’s BFF has been recruited by a Division 1 college! How cool is that?! It just goes to show what a little bit of dedication can do for you. This girl has been with the same club since she was eight. The club started her out in the Western Suburban Soccer League before moving to the state Premier Program when she hit the U13 age group. Then they took her into the Midwest Regional League and started her team on a program of college showcase tournaments where she was heavily recruited on the basis of her stellar training and the club’s excellent website profiling system. So, after all the club has done for her, it was nice to see her signing ceremony in the paper and on local TV with Al Downtome, head coach at Credittaking High School, sitting proudly at her side.