Sports Section Game Report

Local police were forced to intervene following the acrimonious end to a regional semi-final soccer play off match on Saturday morning. Referee Todd Gimpyleg had called the game between Lowell Standards and Holier Than Thou Catholic with 5 minutes still on the clock after he was accosted on the field by parents from the opposing teams. Lowell Standards was leading the game 1-0 on a goal by standout striker Colin Hacker. Hacker, who is the prime suspect in the armed robbery of a Detroit liquor store, had transferred to Lowell from Holier and has had his eligibility questioned by his former coach at Holier, Sly Manoovers.

The Lowell team were tiring late in the game and struggling to protect their slender lead when Hacker took a cleat to the jaw in a high tackle by Holier center back Tony Noalterboy. Noalterboy was sent to the bench where he was absolved of any responsibility by school priest Father O’Forkristesake. Meanwhile Hacker was being carted to a waiting ambulance when a fan, sporting a Lowell sweatshirt, ran onto the field and assaulted the 300lb referee by over tightening the bindings on his knee braces. The fan was subsequently identified as Hacker’s father Bubba who was home on compassionate leave from state prison following the death of any sense of integrity in the local school system.

Feeling threatened, the referee called the game and awarded the win to Lowell who were leading at the time. Holier fans were incensed and accused the Lowell fan of deliberately forcing the ref to abandon the game at a point where they were under pressure and had lost their star player. A second fan, wearing Holier colors and later identified as Hacker’s estranged mother, Emily Skank, entered the field of play where she proceed to head butt the ref, slap her former husband, and berate her injured son for being a “thieving, alcoholic, junkie traitor”. Police were forced to restore order after Lowell coach Wynn Atnecost flew into a rage when Holier’s priest asked him if he wanted him to hear his confession now or later.

MHSAA officials confirmed that the result will stand unless their attorneys advise them that they might lose any subsequent law suit. When asked if the association’s current insolvency following the financial awards made against them in the wake of their mis-guided defense of the Title 9 case might influence their thinking, the official replied that he had no comment.

Meanwhile Hacker should recover from his injuries within six weeks meaning that he will be fit to stand trial on the robbery charges where, as a juvenile, he faces a four year stretch. Informed sources advise this newspaper that his time in therapy may be considerably longer.