Evaluations

Here in America a lot of parents are still finding their feet in the crazy world of youth soccer. Since I’ve been around the block a bit I thought that some of you newbies might benefit from my experience. So I’m pleased to present my easy interpretation guide to help you decipher your kid’s annual evaluation from your dedicated coach. Here is my ‘coach speak-to-real life’ translation phrase book for you:

Robust and strong in the tackle = Your kid is a thug.

The mainstay of our defense = Your kid is a psycho thug.

The first name on my team sheet every week = Your kid is the tallest on the roster.

Might benefit from additional coaching sessions = I think you guys have more disposable income that I could get a piece of.

One of my longer term prospects = Your kid is useless but his mom has a nice rack.

An essential part of the team chemistry = Thanks for all the drinks his father buys on trips out of town.

I haven’t determined his optimum playing position yet = I’m not sure how long after I have slept with the mom I have to wait before I can cut this kid.

A true utility player = We need to keep 18 kids on the roster to keep the fees for down for the good players.

Always boisterous and full of life = An annoying little shit.

Needs to work on her fitness = Your kid is one cheeseburger away from being moved to starting goalkeeper.

Great communication skills = I hope you never find out about the text messages.

A candidate for the Academy = We also take direct deposit.

Dealing well with the growth spurt = Plays like Bambi on ice.

Maturing into a well rounded asset to the team = I could get arrested for what I’m really thinking.

An excellent prospect = I’ve mixed your kid up with someone else.

A true two-footed player = Can’t kick with either foot.

Excels as the holding mid in a 3-5-2 playing interposer behind the creative generalissimo = Buy your snake oil here.