New Style Tryouts

Do you get stressed at tryouts? Do you hate having your kid's fate decided by some over-weight has-been who thinks that just because he sat on the bench for Tranmere Rovers in a pre-season friendly against Pumpherston Miners Welfare that he qualifies as an ex-pro? Are you sick of having to fill out the same form for the umpteenth time for some loud mouth, uber-gossip, meddling mother, who only does the team manager's job to keep her personality by-passed offspring on the team? Well this year is going to be different! With the economy sinking faster than Ted Kennedy's car off Chappaquiddick bridge those of us who have money to spend can make the rules and I for one am going to make the best of it. This year my kid ain't trying out for no stinkin' team. This year the club and coach is trying out for me! At last, in the world of youth soccer the customer is king!

The club that gets my business is going to have to have a clear direction spelt out in an elegantly written mission statement which I expect to be full of the sort of reassuring platitudes that my daughter can copy word for word into her college application forms. The club should then be able to demonstrate a blatant disregard for this mission statement with a finely crafted win-at-all-costs approach to the state cup, MRL, and any game against those bitches from Michigan Push.

I'm looking for a club that trades on its long track record of former glories to get skillfully challenged players like my son onto a decent college team. The power of a recognized brand cannot be underestimated and I'm willing to play top dollar for a strong, established American name like Canton Chelsea.

As for the coach, well I don't want anyone who has lived in the USA long enough to get found out. A nice fresh English speaking Adonis with the morals of an alley cat and an eye for the older woman is just what I'm looking for. A basic understanding of soccer might be helpful too. I also want a coach who takes the modern approach of coaching during the training sessions and then letting the games play themselves. We don't want some bone head who shouts instructions from the sidelines to the point where our kids can't hear what we parents are hollering at them.