Need Your Advice

So what should a responsible parent like me do when the coach is clearly making some mistakes? I’m not sure whether I should take the softly-softly approach or just come right out and let him know that I’m going to tell his wife about that time in the Comfort Inn, Toledo, OH at the Best Of The Mundane tournament if he doesn’t get his act together.

The problem is tactical. He insists on playing a flat back line when a sweeper with breaking wingbacks on the counter is clearly called for. Our holding mid is playing a little too deeply so our transition time is not all it can be because our line of confrontation isn’t far enough into zone of initial impact. To be fair he has adopted a modern ‘one up top’ strategy but is using her as a target player when she should be playing with her back to goal, holding the ball, and then laying it off to the countering wide mids before pushing into the point of maximum opportunity. The girl playing in the hole behind the target is trying hard but isn’t being supported by the type of total football player required for this strategy.

If he could just sort this out we’d be one of the best U6 girls teams in the Midwest.

Tips For New Parents

If you are the parent of a new kid on an established team you need to make a good impression when you first meet the rest of the parents. Don’t make the mistake of just going up, introducing yourself, and then talking non-stop about your daughter. They’ll hate you for that and think you are a threat to their kid’s spot on the team. It’s much better to open the conversation by asking a question. That way you’ll come across as a little bit vulnerable and they can feel all superior by giving you the information you need. Here are some sample questions that I’ve used to endear myself to the parents of our new teams over the years:

Did your daughter forget her glasses today?
How long have you been putting up with this goalkeeper?
Did you guys ever win before we joined the team?
Who is the slut in the red tank top?
How are the anger management classes working out?
How can they afford this club?
Is the coach really as well endowed as your wife says?

Drop me an email if you need any more advice.

Press Release

Fox Television today confirms that it has secured the exclusive broadcast television rights to the on-screen version of the famed soccer blog FullRideSoon. The show will broadcast this summer season and will expose a wider American audience to the insanity widely prevalent in the close knit, dysfunctional soccer community. Opening episodes will feature ‘Tryouts’ in which potential team players and their desperate parents are mentally abused by a process widely considered to be the youth sports equivalent of water boarding. In a departure from run-of-the-mill reality shows, the participants will be forced to sit by the telephone for up to ten days before finding out if they have been selected. Additional twists include last minute phone calls to successful candidates to tell them that the coach has changed his mind.

Subsequent episodes will focus on the mental anguish suffered by pre-teen girls as they face the dilemma of playing a team sport in which they are also deadly rivals with their teammates for the single spot on the ODP roster which is the show’s ultimate prize. Audiences will be delighted to watch the girls refuse to pass the ball to each other as their parents stab each other in the back at every opportunity.

Fox has recruited BJ Gonzalez as the team’s coach. With his gimpy leg, shock of red hair, and 250 lb frame, Gonzalez is widely regarded as one of the most physically repulsive coaches in US soccer. The show’s highlight is expected to be when one of the mothers finally gets desperate enough to throw herself at him.

FullRideSoon is the creation of Michigan mother of three Phillipa Rideson, generally considered the only sane soccer parent in the nation.