Enhancing Your Soccer Experience

Get more out of the game by attending one of the Federated Union of Coaches and Knowledgeable United Parents fine soccer seminars. Presented by a distinguished panel of experts these seminars are designed to help you get the best out of the game by appreciating the subtleties lost on the average parent.

In the opening session Ms Penny Pincher CPA will outline how a deep trawl through the certified accounts of non-profit organizations can help you overcome the fact that your own kid’s team had their ass handed to them by more expensive clubs. Using her tried and trusted techniques of rampant speculation you will find the pain of defeat gradually assuaged as you realize that the goals your team gave up are a direct result of financial impropriety and mismanagement on the part of the cheating bastards.

Professor of Psychiatry at the University Of Diminished Responsibility, Doctor Colin Hedphuck, will then present a paper in which he uses examples of personal tragedies experienced by impressionable young women to allow sanctimonious parents to adopt a smug superior attitude. Doctor Hedphuck’s paper is entitled “There But For The Grace Of God” and will be his last major public appearance before he takes a year off to work on his theory that there is absolutely no parental responsibility for the link between inappropriate dress standards, blatant sexual lyrics in modern music, simulated sexual acts in music videos, sexting on social networks, un-chaperoned training sessions, and the growth of inappropriate relationships between authority figures and their charges.

An international flavor will be provided by Elbonian Justice Minister, Maddog Castrator, who will float the idea that the USA should adopt his country’s process of summary justice and move straight to the sentencing phase as soon as an accusation is made against a soccer coach. The minister will suggest to the audience that America’s use of due process is a mistake and that the small percentage of convictions in his country which are subsequently shown to be false are a price worth paying.

A parents only workshop on the threat of alcohol consumption by soccer coaches will be held in the bar at lunchtime.

If time permits in the evening, a youth soccer game may be played and viewed by seminar participants, but this is subject to cancellation if more important issues arise.