The Seven Habits Of Highly Defective Coaches

Habit 1 – Be Proactive
Be on the lookout for a new club for next season long before you get found out.

Habit 2 – Begin With The End In Mind
A world cup win by the men’s national team is all that matters. Your academy program is there to provide the best training competition for the youth national teams and nothing else. All that guff about development, fun, lifetime of exercise, sports in education and teamwork is just tree hugger, Obama loving, nonsense.

Habit 3 – Put First Things First
Get the money in your wallet before you kick a ball.

Habit 4 – Think Win/Win
Losing is for losers! Win the frickin’ game numbnuts! Fat incompetent kids are there to subsidize the cost and carry the balls back to your car – they are not supposed to be on the playing field.

Habit 5 – Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood
Invoke the 24 hour rule so that you don’t have to talk to these losers and so that you can get to the pub before closing time. When the dust has settled you can listen to the parent’s distraught voice messages and then make a half assed attempt at understanding what the poor cow is getting at. Thereafter make yourself understood! You are the boss, she has no idea what she is talking about, and the club doesn’t do refunds. End of story.

Habit 6 – Synergize
Soccer is a team game! The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts! By stumbling blindly onto a successful team you can earn yourself a coaching gig with a better paying club and leave these cheapskates behind.

Habit 7 – Sharpen The Saw
Take time out of the hours you are being paid for ‘renewal’. You shouldn’t show up to any more than 75% of the scheduled practices and if you are questioned on this you should advise the complainant that (a) you are attending development classes aimed at improving her kid’s experience, and (b) her kid will be on the bench on Saturday. This year’s Michigan Soccer Coaches Association weekly development meetings will be held in Hooters on the corner of Square Lake and Telegraph Road.