Brave New World

There was a time when it seemed to me that all I needed to do to turn out a superstar was to provide her with one of those crazy soccer balls on an elastic rope that you tie round your waist and kick for about 12 seconds before you realize it’s a complete waste of time and money. Then I moved on to one of those curvy bits of plastic that sends the ball back at you in different ways so you learn to control it, but I realized that my kid didn’t need that since there were already plenty of kids on her team that could send the ball off in totally random directions. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I’d already spent more money on the ‘kickback panel’ for my curvy bit of plastic – the modern equivalent of what we used to call a “wall” when I was a kid.

So anyway, I think that this time we really have the answer that the average American parent is looking for in the world of youth soccer: Genetic Engineering.

British Scientists (now there’s an oxymoron) have identified the URNUTz gene which is heavily prevalent in the world’s leading soccer players. My second husband had this gene in huge quantities and was convinced that he had passed it on to our son. Unfortunately he doesn’t know that he’s not the boy’s real father and that the kid actually inherited the XBX360 chromosome which turned him into a lazy fat ass that spends the whole day playing video games.

The leading edge now seems to be the Stockholm Syndrome in which soccer parents seem to start to sympathize with the fruit cakes who peddle this type of nonsense. This group has identified the SOCFUN gene which is inherited by every kid who just wants to play the game because they enjoy it. Thankfully these scientists are working hard on some way to eliminate this disturbing problem.

Here in the USA the approach seems to be less about genes and more about AMI (Average Median Income) theory. Research into this reveals that the higher the AMI the more likely it is that a kid will make the A team.