I guess this is what happens when you put the power of this interweb net thingy in the hands of us little mid-western girls; all those prejudices that we didn’t know we had come rushing to the fore. Thankfully we have a world wide web of helpful folks who can tell us exactly what we were thinking and steer us back onto the right track. Having carefully read the points you have made I can see now that a number of humble apologies are in order and I am more than happy to let you have them.
I apologize to the gay community for the use of the phrase “set up those colorful cones in pretty little patterns”. At the time I thought this was just a funny little dig at soccer coaches but with your wise insight I can see now that this was a hateful slur and I fully deserve your contempt.
Thanks also for pointing out that my use of the term “we parents” is a clear indication of my inbred notion that only two parent families are the appropriate way to raise children. I was not aware of my short comings in this respect but I am grateful for your ability to read the true meaning into my words. Given that I have already shown my anti-gay prejudice, it must be clear to everyone that I am also guilty of anti-same-sex-marriage intolerance and if it wasn’t for my raging anti-deviant bias I would ask you all to spank me for adopting this position.
Mostly, of course, I have to apologize to the manufacturer of the food products who has been defamed by the fact that I have a sister in Nebraska whose name we cannot now mention in these enlightened days. To be honest, when my son’s soccer coach told me that he wanted to smear the manufacturer’s maple syrup all over me and lick it off, I just thought he was being a sexist. However, your wisdom has revealed to me the deeply racist motives in his actions. Thankfully you pointed this out to me before I let the horny little bastard do his thing.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
English Accent = B License?
I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it sounds like we Michigan parents are a little bit more discerning when it comes to assessing a potential coach for our budding superstars. We don’t equate the coach’s accent with a license equivalent. Instead we use their accent to gage the character of the “man” we are getting.
For example, an English accent is a pretty sure sign that we can rely on the coach to adopt a superior, know-it-all attitude but never actually win anything – a little bit like the English men’s national team when you think about it.
On the other hand if we are looking for a coach who will be a role model for the kids in terms of demonstrating how to make a successful life in spite of being a 5’ 3” red head with mis-spelt tattoos and bad teeth, then we look for a Scottish accent. These guys are also great at teaching the kids how to fight with the linesman and can be relied on to try manfully, but unsuccessfully, to bed every mother on the team.
A fun loving coach with a constant bewildered look on his face is most likely to have a Irish lilt, and neatly arranged rows of color coordinated marker cones are usually the work of a German accented tutor. If I was looking for a coach who can stop the conversation dead in it’s tracks then I would seek one whose opening line is always “When I played back home in Iraq……”.
Finally of course, if I’m looking for someone who insists on being called “Coach” twenty years after he retires, who wouldn’t recognize ‘goalside’ if it sat on his face, and whose solution to every issue is to increase the amount of conditioning the kids do, then I’ll pick one with a nice, reassuring American accent.
For example, an English accent is a pretty sure sign that we can rely on the coach to adopt a superior, know-it-all attitude but never actually win anything – a little bit like the English men’s national team when you think about it.
On the other hand if we are looking for a coach who will be a role model for the kids in terms of demonstrating how to make a successful life in spite of being a 5’ 3” red head with mis-spelt tattoos and bad teeth, then we look for a Scottish accent. These guys are also great at teaching the kids how to fight with the linesman and can be relied on to try manfully, but unsuccessfully, to bed every mother on the team.
A fun loving coach with a constant bewildered look on his face is most likely to have a Irish lilt, and neatly arranged rows of color coordinated marker cones are usually the work of a German accented tutor. If I was looking for a coach who can stop the conversation dead in it’s tracks then I would seek one whose opening line is always “When I played back home in Iraq……”.
Finally of course, if I’m looking for someone who insists on being called “Coach” twenty years after he retires, who wouldn’t recognize ‘goalside’ if it sat on his face, and whose solution to every issue is to increase the amount of conditioning the kids do, then I’ll pick one with a nice, reassuring American accent.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Things I Wish The Coach Would Understand
1 – The modern soccer parent chooses to communicate with you through the medium of a public web-based soccer forum. You should not expect to have any direct conversation with us or have any clue about who is actually posting any criticism of you. We’ll be nice to your face in order to keep our kid on the team but part of the deal is that we get to anonymously ridicule you to the rest of the soccer community. Deal with it.
2 – Unless you regularly deliver state cups followed by deep runs into the regional and national post seasons, you must accept that you have gotten the ratio of technical to tactical training totally wrong and we as parents could see that all along.
3 – You must understand that our kids also play baseball, go to school, have church committments, and occasionally will visit with their Aunt Jemima from Nebraska. With this in mind we expect that you will be at the practice field 30 minutes early to set up those colorful cones in pretty little patterns just in case we should decide to actually show up.
4 – We also expect you to be at the games 45 minutes early so that we have enough time to demand changes to your starting line up.
5 – Please do not get the impression that, just because we have chosen to join your team and are paying you handsomely to teach our kids, we have any faith in your ability to actually do the job.
2 – Unless you regularly deliver state cups followed by deep runs into the regional and national post seasons, you must accept that you have gotten the ratio of technical to tactical training totally wrong and we as parents could see that all along.
3 – You must understand that our kids also play baseball, go to school, have church committments, and occasionally will visit with their Aunt Jemima from Nebraska. With this in mind we expect that you will be at the practice field 30 minutes early to set up those colorful cones in pretty little patterns just in case we should decide to actually show up.
4 – We also expect you to be at the games 45 minutes early so that we have enough time to demand changes to your starting line up.
5 – Please do not get the impression that, just because we have chosen to join your team and are paying you handsomely to teach our kids, we have any faith in your ability to actually do the job.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Press Release
The Michigan State Youth Soccer Federation announces today that it will launch a pilot program of mandatory substance testing starting in the fall 2009 season. The success of the pilot will be assessed before the scheme is rolled out state wide with a tentative introduction date of spring 2010. The pilot program will focus on the U13 Girls division and will feature random testing at all league, premier and state cup games. Commenting on the system, MSYSF Director Of Mis-Administration, Todd Phuckitup said “We didn’t think we had a big problem here in Michigan but if you listen to some of the things the parents in this age group say it’s clear that they must be on drugs”. Clubs will be entitled to levy additional charges for the cost of having the coach collect a urine sample from parents prior to each game. The program will be marketed under the banner “Michigan – Taking The Piss!”
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
From The Notional Enquirer
A youth soccer program on the west coast has been revealed as a thinly veiled cover for a shocking parental wife-swapping lifestyle. These sick parents would routinely take their kids to out-of-town soccer tournaments and meet in their hotel lobby after packing the players off to bed under the premise of them getting a good night’s rest. Then they would draw “Player Passcards” from a pack held by the so-called ‘Team Mother’ and hook up with opposite gender parent of that player. The depraved scheme came to light when one parent threatened to sue the club after she was paired up with the father of a B team player who was subbing with the team for the weekend. Robert Slimeball of the law firm Sue, Cheatem & Spend, acting on behalf of parent Sonia Insayshabal, state that their client is an A team quality superstar and shouldn’t be expected to have to put up with the B team performance of the hapless father who was subbed in during the second period of double overtime. They further state that their client is quite happy to ‘play up’ but shouldn’t have to ‘play down’. Counsel for the defendant state that the club has always been focused on long-term development over short-term results.
Invitation
You are invited to attend a celebration dinner to mark the achievement of Landon Donovan being awarded the 2009 Hope Solo Trophy for the player who best exemplifies what being a team player is all about. The dinner will be held at the home of David Beckham. BYOB.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Summer Time
Some of you crazy parents just don’t get it. Even those girlie-men that play in that stupid Premiership thingy over in depressingly gray England understand that summer is the OFF SEASON. The pros over there realize that this is not the time to be playing in tournaments. For them, summer is the time to demonstrate your loyalty to the team by having your agent hawk your ass to any club willing to pay you more than your current obscene earnings. Summer is the time to trade in your old WAG for one that has actually had a hit record in the last five years or so. Summer is the time when newspaper stories of you being arrested for soliciting in a men’s restroom on Clapham common can be relegated to page five.
So if it’s good enough for the so-called professionals what is with you nutcase parents forcing your kids to play soccer in the summer heat?
Responsible parents like me understand the need for some R’n’R so that our kids can give their best when the real stuff starts up again. We will be taking a well earned family break from soccer with a nice European holiday where the only balls on view will be in the tightly packed speedos worn by the greasy bums on the beach in St. Tropez.
The only problem we have is in finding a time when all of us can be together.
By some miracle my hapless son’s academy team has made the national finals, which has kept them training three times a week ahead of the games this weekend. That’s nearly two months longer than his normal season before I purchased him a spot on the team which uses these ‘best practice’ techniques. I also heard a whisper that some totally blind selector might name him to his conference select team to play against the Youth National Team after the championship is over, so now I have no idea when he is going to be available for a vacation – especially since his high school coach is already on the phone day and night trying to get him to go to the illegal pre-season training sessions he’s doing behind closed doors at the dome.
My eldest daughter is, of course, heading into her senior year. At the moment the only offer she has is as a possible walk on at the division four University Of Last Resort in Snowshoe, PA. Given the money we have spent on soccer for her these last ten years I am still hopeful of getting her into UoM, State, or Oakland. Before I resort to using my feminine charms I’m making one last financial bid by having her go to all three college’s summer camps this year so that she can (metaphorically) kiss the ass of the head coaches in person.
My youngest (aka “The Protégé”) is, of course, a very busy little girl. With morning classes in proprioceptive movement and spatial awareness, afternoons with her personal foot skills trainer, and evenings in the weight room, we already struggle to find the time to get her to her therapist on time. I hate to boast, but for a six year old she handles it all very well, and though she hides it quite well I think she’s missing her teammates who are playing in those stupid summer tournaments.
Having said all that, it looks like we will have time to be together in the first week in August which is really cool because we can be in St. Tropez just in time for the beach soccer tournament they are holding!
So if it’s good enough for the so-called professionals what is with you nutcase parents forcing your kids to play soccer in the summer heat?
Responsible parents like me understand the need for some R’n’R so that our kids can give their best when the real stuff starts up again. We will be taking a well earned family break from soccer with a nice European holiday where the only balls on view will be in the tightly packed speedos worn by the greasy bums on the beach in St. Tropez.
The only problem we have is in finding a time when all of us can be together.
By some miracle my hapless son’s academy team has made the national finals, which has kept them training three times a week ahead of the games this weekend. That’s nearly two months longer than his normal season before I purchased him a spot on the team which uses these ‘best practice’ techniques. I also heard a whisper that some totally blind selector might name him to his conference select team to play against the Youth National Team after the championship is over, so now I have no idea when he is going to be available for a vacation – especially since his high school coach is already on the phone day and night trying to get him to go to the illegal pre-season training sessions he’s doing behind closed doors at the dome.
My eldest daughter is, of course, heading into her senior year. At the moment the only offer she has is as a possible walk on at the division four University Of Last Resort in Snowshoe, PA. Given the money we have spent on soccer for her these last ten years I am still hopeful of getting her into UoM, State, or Oakland. Before I resort to using my feminine charms I’m making one last financial bid by having her go to all three college’s summer camps this year so that she can (metaphorically) kiss the ass of the head coaches in person.
My youngest (aka “The Protégé”) is, of course, a very busy little girl. With morning classes in proprioceptive movement and spatial awareness, afternoons with her personal foot skills trainer, and evenings in the weight room, we already struggle to find the time to get her to her therapist on time. I hate to boast, but for a six year old she handles it all very well, and though she hides it quite well I think she’s missing her teammates who are playing in those stupid summer tournaments.
Having said all that, it looks like we will have time to be together in the first week in August which is really cool because we can be in St. Tropez just in time for the beach soccer tournament they are holding!
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