What is it with these politically correct thought police who want us to stop using nicknames for all kids on the team? Is this what it has come to as the first decade of the new millennium shudders to an end? When little ‘Psycho’ gets back from his anger-management classes we can’t welcome him in the normal manner? When ‘Suck Up’ carries the coach’s bag back to his car again we all have to say “thank you Andrew?” I can’t even call Mary’s kid ‘The Judge’ any more even though he spends all that time on the bench?
Well I’m not going to be told by some hyper-sensitive, NPR listening, liberal tree hugger what I can and can’t do! Our starting center-back will always be ‘A.D.D.’ as far as I’m concerned even though he has so much Ritalin in him I swear he rattles as he runs. ‘Stoner Boy’ has been my name of choice for the addict’s kid for as long as I can remember and ‘Charity’ is my constant reminder to the scholarship kid of how lucky he is to be on the team. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Hispanic kid with the fancy foot skills likes me calling him ‘Juan on Juan’ even though his name is really Peter.
Even our coach enters into the spirit of things and answers to a variety of names. Sally calls him ‘Chewbacca’ because she can’t understand a word the crazy foreigner says. Tim refers to him as ‘IRS’ which is something to do with him always wanting to be paid in cash, and I call him ‘Big Guy’ which I realize you won’t understand because he’s only 5’ 2”, but I know him a little better than the rest of you.
So let’s kick back at these fools by taking it to the next level and starting to use nicknames for the crazy parents too! Now that George is back from rehab we can call him ‘Needles’ again and his wife can be ‘Desperado’. The team manager should be called ‘Sticky Fingers’ for the deft way she manages the money, while the fat goalie’s dad should be ‘Dr. Atkins’. But if that greasy lecherous father of our striker ogles down my top one more time and calls me ‘Twin Peaks’ again I swear I’m going to kick him in the size fives, because that is just totally insensitive!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
By The Time I Got To Phoenix
So with his real dad being a no-show, it fell to me to take the boy to the Phoenix Showcase for the start of his second year in the hair-brained Development Academy program. I’m not a big fan of this program as you know, and I’m a little bit disappointed that he has chosen to focus on a girl’s sport, but I suppose I have to give him some encouragement. I just don’t get all this ‘play and train like the pros’ business that they’ve got going on. Only one game per day, three-to-one training to game ratio, mandatory rest periods, scientific testing, WTF?! Why can’t we just drive these kids into the ground the way we do with real soccer on the girl’s side?
Anyway, this year’s team is made up of some carry-overs from last year’s roster, some kids from the state’s other academy club, a few from the club that won the state cup, as many of the hot-shots from all the other clubs that we could pick up, and one kid who came through the ranks at our own club. I suppose it is heartening to see all these players coming to the club to be part of our long tradition of developing the best players in the state.
One of the highlights of the showcase was supposed to be the evening games featuring the US U17 MNT playing a round robin series of games against Portugal, The Netherlands and Brazil. I guess it’s nice of us to help bring the game to these developing countries.
However, I was very disappointed with our US roster. A kid from Michigan, one from Indiana, one from Illinois, a bunch from California! In fact the roster was made up of kids from all over the country! What’s the deal? Looks to me like the coach is just one great big RECRUITER! Typical of a coach who doesn’t know anything about developing his own players! That’s the sort of sharp practice poaching that would get him in a lot of trouble if he tried to pull those stunts in the Northern Central Michigan Premier Development Super Olympic Select League. We have a fine committee of distinguished self-important non-entities who would slap that sort of behavior down in a minute. So you better get with it Mr US Soccer! This was the DEVELOPMENT Academy Showcase, remember?
Anyway, this year’s team is made up of some carry-overs from last year’s roster, some kids from the state’s other academy club, a few from the club that won the state cup, as many of the hot-shots from all the other clubs that we could pick up, and one kid who came through the ranks at our own club. I suppose it is heartening to see all these players coming to the club to be part of our long tradition of developing the best players in the state.
One of the highlights of the showcase was supposed to be the evening games featuring the US U17 MNT playing a round robin series of games against Portugal, The Netherlands and Brazil. I guess it’s nice of us to help bring the game to these developing countries.
However, I was very disappointed with our US roster. A kid from Michigan, one from Indiana, one from Illinois, a bunch from California! In fact the roster was made up of kids from all over the country! What’s the deal? Looks to me like the coach is just one great big RECRUITER! Typical of a coach who doesn’t know anything about developing his own players! That’s the sort of sharp practice poaching that would get him in a lot of trouble if he tried to pull those stunts in the Northern Central Michigan Premier Development Super Olympic Select League. We have a fine committee of distinguished self-important non-entities who would slap that sort of behavior down in a minute. So you better get with it Mr US Soccer! This was the DEVELOPMENT Academy Showcase, remember?
Aboutface Book
Like most concerned parents I’m always on the look out for good solid advice on how to raise our kids in this scary modern world. I make a point of regularly watching Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer for the sort of positive role models we all need in this day and age. We soccer parents are in a particularly vulnerable position because, without a background in the game ourselves, we have to hand our kids over to these slippery foreign coaches. Very few of these randy ratbags I’ve slept with over the years seem to adhere to my high standards of integrity, morality and modesty. So, as the mother of a developing teenage girl, I have to look out for my kid. I’m therefore very glad to hear about the publication of a new tome on how the modern teen communicates. Of course, I didn’t have the time to actually read this Aboutface book, but I did scan over the sensational headlines in a synopsis by one of the reputable journalists on the Notional Inquirer at the supermarket checkout the other day.
It seems we should be looking out for coaches who chose to speak to the kids. Apparently these so-called conversations are un-attributable and highly deniable. In order to avoid getting into a ‘he said/she said’ type of situation we should be encouraging our kids to communicate with their coach in a written format which is recorded and easily reviewed.
Not that this absolves us of any responsibility to get some background on the coach we are handing our precious kids and, more importantly, our hard earned cash to. The book therefore suggests that we get onto the coaches friend list on his social networking site to see if he’s the kind of person we want our kids to be with. I have to say there are a couple of coaches at our club who won’t be getting anywhere near my daughter although in the interests of being inclusive I’ve added them to my own account.
So, I’m doing the right thing and having my daughter communicate with the coach via text message, having her befriend him on Facebook, and asking him to stop talking to her. Now the best part is that since I pay her cell phone bill, and I pay for her internet service, the messages all belong to me and I can review them as I see fit. Our former mayor here in Detroit and his erstwhile paramour know all about who owns text messages!
But I was telling all this to my own crazy dingbat mother and she gets it into her head that reading your kid’s texts and emails is the modern equivalent of reading her diary! WTF! She’s ranting on about how some parents get the medium mixed up with the message, and how if we’ve raised our kids right they’ll know what is and isn’t appropriate. She seems to think I have some responsibility, and has this nutty notion that we can give the kids some space to live and grow safe in the knowledge that if anyone does actually step over the line then text and Facebook gives us the solid documentation that spoken words don’t! That’s the sort of wacko thinking that demonstrates just how out of touch the older generation really is.
It seems we should be looking out for coaches who chose to speak to the kids. Apparently these so-called conversations are un-attributable and highly deniable. In order to avoid getting into a ‘he said/she said’ type of situation we should be encouraging our kids to communicate with their coach in a written format which is recorded and easily reviewed.
Not that this absolves us of any responsibility to get some background on the coach we are handing our precious kids and, more importantly, our hard earned cash to. The book therefore suggests that we get onto the coaches friend list on his social networking site to see if he’s the kind of person we want our kids to be with. I have to say there are a couple of coaches at our club who won’t be getting anywhere near my daughter although in the interests of being inclusive I’ve added them to my own account.
So, I’m doing the right thing and having my daughter communicate with the coach via text message, having her befriend him on Facebook, and asking him to stop talking to her. Now the best part is that since I pay her cell phone bill, and I pay for her internet service, the messages all belong to me and I can review them as I see fit. Our former mayor here in Detroit and his erstwhile paramour know all about who owns text messages!
But I was telling all this to my own crazy dingbat mother and she gets it into her head that reading your kid’s texts and emails is the modern equivalent of reading her diary! WTF! She’s ranting on about how some parents get the medium mixed up with the message, and how if we’ve raised our kids right they’ll know what is and isn’t appropriate. She seems to think I have some responsibility, and has this nutty notion that we can give the kids some space to live and grow safe in the knowledge that if anyone does actually step over the line then text and Facebook gives us the solid documentation that spoken words don’t! That’s the sort of wacko thinking that demonstrates just how out of touch the older generation really is.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Continental Disease
I think we might be exposing our soccer playing kids to a little bit of a bad influence by directing them to watch the thrills, spills and skills of the English Premier League. Although the EPL might well be the best domestic soccer league in the world I think a little bit of the old British Bulldog spirit has gotten lost of late, and its been replaced by a bad dose of the 'continental disease'. All these European superstars might well be bringing their fancy skills to the league but they are also bringing their ability to flop in the box at every opportunity.
Well listen up Johnny Foreigner! English gentlemen don't play the game like that!
Fortunately those fine referees are on the case of these slippery continental cheats - as can be seen by the yellow cards issued to Monsieur Rooney and Herr Gerrard these past two weekends.
Well listen up Johnny Foreigner! English gentlemen don't play the game like that!
Fortunately those fine referees are on the case of these slippery continental cheats - as can be seen by the yellow cards issued to Monsieur Rooney and Herr Gerrard these past two weekends.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Landon Donovan Goes To Everton!
I hear that David Beckham is working with one of those journalists who specializes in working non-stories up into sensational blockbusters with a view to questioning Donovan's committment to the MLS. Landon himself is saving up to buy the Everton first team their Christmas dinner, less he be considered a tight wad. Meanwhile, Bruce Arena reportedly walked into training this morning, held up the captain's armband and asked, "Ok, who wants to try this on now?"
Alphabet Soup, Anyone?
My daughter was asking who her cousin plays for out in Washington state. So I explained that she plays for ECFC of the SYSA but they’ll soon be the SU unless her attorney invokes the WSYSA to keep them independent in the PDL as the PDLC wants them to, but that depends on whether she makes the ODP which is really now the RTC feeder program for either the SSFC or the USYSA depending on whether the kids have any balls or not. I could see she was confused so I explained that SYSA (or SU) is one of six SA’s in District 1 of WSYSA which is, of course, in Region IV of USYSA. So then my little angel says “No mom, I just wanted to know if she’s on the blue team or the red team”. Oh, if only it were that simple!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Pay To Play!
I really don’t know why everyone is getting their thongs in a bunch over this so-called economic crisis. Last night I was reclining with the pool boy in my late husband’s leather laz-e-boy, sipping a cocktail that the maid had brought me, and surfing through the HD channels on our 96” flat screen when I stumbled upon those self-righteous dingbats on HBO’s “Real Sports” show. To start with there was a nice encouraging article, that my nancy-boy son ought to have watched, about how our real American young men get back into a proper sporting endeavor within just a few minutes of taking a good old fashioned concussive hit – way to go gridiron boys! That’s the spirit!
However, it was all downhill from there on. The next item was about some bunch of hover mothers down in Ohio who want to increase my taxes to keep their high school sports programs running! What is it with these people? Don’t they know that REDUCING taxes is as American as Friday night football? Get outa here! I can solve all you pinko commie girl’s problems with just one little phrase – Pay-To-Play!
Let’s look at the benefits of Pay-To-Play in high school sports:
1 – No riff-raff! School sports don’t allow failing kids, and they don’t allow ill-disciplined kids, so why do we allow poor kids? We have standards to uphold and we don’t want any badly dressed kids rolling up to the games in their clapped out Hondas and putting on their Walmart cleats! I don’t care how frickin’ good you are.
2 – More coaching responsibility. If I hand over the hard earned interest on my father’s investments to the team then I have every right to expect to see my kid on the field. That should make sure the coach is responsible for getting him ready to play. Don’t give me any of that “not good enough” BS – I’ve paid you good money to make him good enough. And as for your stupid coach’s discipline of ‘no-practice, no-play’, well how about my new version for you; ‘no play, no pay’!
3 – Reduced roster sizes. Back when I was in high school only the very best athletes made the varsity roster. These days kids wander around with more letters than Vennegor Of Hesselink has on the back of his shirt. With Pay-To-Play, not only can my kid get the coaching attention he needs but our varsity athletes can walk around the school getting the proper respect their parent’s income deserves.
So roll on economic downturn I say! The only thing I’m not sure about is the name. “Pay-to-Play” doesn’t quite have the ring to it. How about we call it Club, or Select, or Travel, or……
However, it was all downhill from there on. The next item was about some bunch of hover mothers down in Ohio who want to increase my taxes to keep their high school sports programs running! What is it with these people? Don’t they know that REDUCING taxes is as American as Friday night football? Get outa here! I can solve all you pinko commie girl’s problems with just one little phrase – Pay-To-Play!
Let’s look at the benefits of Pay-To-Play in high school sports:
1 – No riff-raff! School sports don’t allow failing kids, and they don’t allow ill-disciplined kids, so why do we allow poor kids? We have standards to uphold and we don’t want any badly dressed kids rolling up to the games in their clapped out Hondas and putting on their Walmart cleats! I don’t care how frickin’ good you are.
2 – More coaching responsibility. If I hand over the hard earned interest on my father’s investments to the team then I have every right to expect to see my kid on the field. That should make sure the coach is responsible for getting him ready to play. Don’t give me any of that “not good enough” BS – I’ve paid you good money to make him good enough. And as for your stupid coach’s discipline of ‘no-practice, no-play’, well how about my new version for you; ‘no play, no pay’!
3 – Reduced roster sizes. Back when I was in high school only the very best athletes made the varsity roster. These days kids wander around with more letters than Vennegor Of Hesselink has on the back of his shirt. With Pay-To-Play, not only can my kid get the coaching attention he needs but our varsity athletes can walk around the school getting the proper respect their parent’s income deserves.
So roll on economic downturn I say! The only thing I’m not sure about is the name. “Pay-to-Play” doesn’t quite have the ring to it. How about we call it Club, or Select, or Travel, or……
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