My girlfriend Sonia has gotten herself into a bit of a situation. Her
kid ended up on a soccer team with a clueless dickhead of a coach who
insisted on playing a lame passing game and would bench Sonia’s
daughter anytime she picked up a yellow card for playing in our
traditional robust American style. So Sonia was forced to do what any
right thinking parent would do – she started flaming the guy with some
nice juicy posts on the local on-line soccer forum. Of course she’s
not stupid so she decided to use the name STRIKERSDAD which was
designed to protect her own anonymity and to drop the father of the
little bitch who plays up front on their team right in the shit.
Unfortunately her strategy wasn’t having much effect and so Sonia was
forced into a little bit of embellishment in her posts to the point
where the community now not only knows that knucklehead is a crap
coach, but they also suspect he might be a womanizing alcoholic who
knocks the kids around during practice. Gotta love the power of the
internet.
Anyway, that seemed to fire things up and her STRIKERSDAD account
started getting a bunch of private messages with more “facts” about
this coach. Sonia started to correspond regularly with some girl
called SOCCERMOMIO and before she knew what was happening they were
sharing all kinds of personal details that, to be honest, she wouldn’t
dream of saying in real life. She was actually getting quite attached
to this girl so, before it got out of hand, she confessed that she was
really a woman, whereupon SOCCERMOMIO confessed that she was really a
man and the two of them settled down into a pattern of deeply depraved
sexting which they told their spouses was all just on-line soccer
chat.
Nobody seemed to be getting hurt until the coach decided he had been
defamed and retained counsel to sue the website and force them to
reveal the names of the posters. The papers are likely to have field
day when they find out a respected coach has been branded a child
abuser by a married woman masquerading as a man in an adulterous
relationship with man masquerading as a woman in a kid’s soccer
community.
Poor Sonia is distraught and doesn’t know what to do! I hope things
work out for her because she’s such a nice person. At least, I think
she is a nice person but I’m not sure because I’ve only ever met her
on-line.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Brave New World
There was a time when it seemed to me that all I needed to do to turn out a superstar was to provide her with one of those crazy soccer balls on an elastic rope that you tie round your waist and kick for about 12 seconds before you realize it’s a complete waste of time and money. Then I moved on to one of those curvy bits of plastic that sends the ball back at you in different ways so you learn to control it, but I realized that my kid didn’t need that since there were already plenty of kids on her team that could send the ball off in totally random directions. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I’d already spent more money on the ‘kickback panel’ for my curvy bit of plastic – the modern equivalent of what we used to call a “wall” when I was a kid.
So anyway, I think that this time we really have the answer that the average American parent is looking for in the world of youth soccer: Genetic Engineering.
British Scientists (now there’s an oxymoron) have identified the URNUTz gene which is heavily prevalent in the world’s leading soccer players. My second husband had this gene in huge quantities and was convinced that he had passed it on to our son. Unfortunately he doesn’t know that he’s not the boy’s real father and that the kid actually inherited the XBX360 chromosome which turned him into a lazy fat ass that spends the whole day playing video games.
The leading edge now seems to be the Stockholm Syndrome in which soccer parents seem to start to sympathize with the fruit cakes who peddle this type of nonsense. This group has identified the SOCFUN gene which is inherited by every kid who just wants to play the game because they enjoy it. Thankfully these scientists are working hard on some way to eliminate this disturbing problem.
Here in the USA the approach seems to be less about genes and more about AMI (Average Median Income) theory. Research into this reveals that the higher the AMI the more likely it is that a kid will make the A team.
So anyway, I think that this time we really have the answer that the average American parent is looking for in the world of youth soccer: Genetic Engineering.
British Scientists (now there’s an oxymoron) have identified the URNUTz gene which is heavily prevalent in the world’s leading soccer players. My second husband had this gene in huge quantities and was convinced that he had passed it on to our son. Unfortunately he doesn’t know that he’s not the boy’s real father and that the kid actually inherited the XBX360 chromosome which turned him into a lazy fat ass that spends the whole day playing video games.
The leading edge now seems to be the Stockholm Syndrome in which soccer parents seem to start to sympathize with the fruit cakes who peddle this type of nonsense. This group has identified the SOCFUN gene which is inherited by every kid who just wants to play the game because they enjoy it. Thankfully these scientists are working hard on some way to eliminate this disturbing problem.
Here in the USA the approach seems to be less about genes and more about AMI (Average Median Income) theory. Research into this reveals that the higher the AMI the more likely it is that a kid will make the A team.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Soccer Movies
I noticed some discussion recently about what the best soccer movies are. Unfortunately everyone seems to have gotten the impression that soccer movies should be entertaining. I’m not sure where that crazy idea came from. The movies suggested are the usual suspects including Goal, A Shot At Glory and the perfectly believable Victory in which Pele and Rocky Balboa escape from a German POW camp, but not until after the second half of a soccer match in which they overcome a bunch of Nazis and a partisan referee in a plot line lifted directly from the Michigan State Cup final of 2006.
The problem with these movies is that they don’t really reflect youth soccer. To understand the issues in the kids game you need to look at other movies such as Basic Instinct, in which Sharon Stone demonstrates my often copied interview technique to make sure my kids end on the A team, and Fatal Attraction in which Glen Close shows us all how we should react if our kid gets left on the bench. Billy Bob Thornton’s Mr Woodcock is, of course, directly modeled on Michigan’s most famous DOC, and we all know who the Cheech & Chong of Michigan soccer coaches are.
My own favorite allegory of Youth Soccer is, of course, Jurassic Park in which the Velociraptors represent the little upstart clubs out to change the world but who get swallowed up by the big dinosaurs at the end.
The problem with these movies is that they don’t really reflect youth soccer. To understand the issues in the kids game you need to look at other movies such as Basic Instinct, in which Sharon Stone demonstrates my often copied interview technique to make sure my kids end on the A team, and Fatal Attraction in which Glen Close shows us all how we should react if our kid gets left on the bench. Billy Bob Thornton’s Mr Woodcock is, of course, directly modeled on Michigan’s most famous DOC, and we all know who the Cheech & Chong of Michigan soccer coaches are.
My own favorite allegory of Youth Soccer is, of course, Jurassic Park in which the Velociraptors represent the little upstart clubs out to change the world but who get swallowed up by the big dinosaurs at the end.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Cash For Clunkers
In an attempt to continue to stimulate the economy, President Obama is expected to announce today that the Cash For Clunkers program will be extended to cover the youth soccer community. Disgruntled parents will receive a deep discount on new highly efficient coaches when they trade in their current bloated beer guzzlers. Priority will be given to parents still using 1969 or earlier models fitted with single or double knee braces. All heavy front end models traded in during the program will be rendered useless by pretty much leaving them as they are. Qualifying replacement models will be subject to strict requirements including tight cryuff turn abilities and low volatility emissions. Foreign imports will be eligible for double discounts as the government continues with its program of taking a good idea and screwing up the implementation. Questioned on whether or not this was throwing away a lot of valuable experience, and if he was worried about the inherent dangers of young coaches in charge of impressionable teens, the President replied “That’s just stupid! Oh wait, ……. I didn’t mean to say stupid”.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Ready To Step It Up?
I was on my FaceBook account this morning. It’s such a great way to keep in touch with all those losers from your past that you never really liked in the first place. The biggest plus is that you don’t actually have to meet any of them. The other day I got a message from a girl who was on our cheerleading team in highschool. I remember she was always so aggressive. She used to start so many fights but never finished them because she had attention deficit disorder.
Anyway, knowing of my reputation as an expert, Sonia was asking me if I knew any ways to help get her daughter to the next level. So I decided I better take in a game or two before I made my recommendations. I could see the problem right away; she was stuck in a time warp!
Sure, you are going to get a little bit of an advantage by baiting the referees throughout the game, but everyone does that these days! Sonia was pretty good at running along the line behind the assistant ref and hollering “offside” in his ear whenever one of their players got into our half. I’d say she was scoring a pretty decent 30% in terms of goading the hapless old guy into raising his flag in error, but she was being totally outplayed by a dad on the other sideline who was using classics like “Hey ref, you’re missing a good game” and “Someone’s going to get hurt if you don’t get the cards out” to keep the center ref on the back foot.
At half time I sat her down and told her that cutting edge parents don’t use those old tactics! If she wants to play premier she’s going to have to step up her game and start goading the kids on the other team instead of the ref. To be fair to her, she played a pretty good second half. I could see the kid on the other team flinching when Sonia hollered “She’s slow and got no left foot” as her own daughter approached her. She followed up quickly with a “These are just select kids!” and then a neatly executed “Back to AYSO for these losers”. Then, with a few minutes to play her team gets awarded a dubious PK as her daughter flops in the box. As the hush falls over the crowd Sonia calls out “Hit it low! The keeper’s too fat to get down to it”! With the ball nestling in the back of the net and the tears welling up in the 12 year old goalkeeper’s eyes I was so proud of our latest super soccer parent!
Anyway, knowing of my reputation as an expert, Sonia was asking me if I knew any ways to help get her daughter to the next level. So I decided I better take in a game or two before I made my recommendations. I could see the problem right away; she was stuck in a time warp!
Sure, you are going to get a little bit of an advantage by baiting the referees throughout the game, but everyone does that these days! Sonia was pretty good at running along the line behind the assistant ref and hollering “offside” in his ear whenever one of their players got into our half. I’d say she was scoring a pretty decent 30% in terms of goading the hapless old guy into raising his flag in error, but she was being totally outplayed by a dad on the other sideline who was using classics like “Hey ref, you’re missing a good game” and “Someone’s going to get hurt if you don’t get the cards out” to keep the center ref on the back foot.
At half time I sat her down and told her that cutting edge parents don’t use those old tactics! If she wants to play premier she’s going to have to step up her game and start goading the kids on the other team instead of the ref. To be fair to her, she played a pretty good second half. I could see the kid on the other team flinching when Sonia hollered “She’s slow and got no left foot” as her own daughter approached her. She followed up quickly with a “These are just select kids!” and then a neatly executed “Back to AYSO for these losers”. Then, with a few minutes to play her team gets awarded a dubious PK as her daughter flops in the box. As the hush falls over the crowd Sonia calls out “Hit it low! The keeper’s too fat to get down to it”! With the ball nestling in the back of the net and the tears welling up in the 12 year old goalkeeper’s eyes I was so proud of our latest super soccer parent!
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Seven Habits Of Highly Defective Coaches
Habit 1 – Be Proactive
Be on the lookout for a new club for next season long before you get found out.
Habit 2 – Begin With The End In Mind
A world cup win by the men’s national team is all that matters. Your academy program is there to provide the best training competition for the youth national teams and nothing else. All that guff about development, fun, lifetime of exercise, sports in education and teamwork is just tree hugger, Obama loving, nonsense.
Habit 3 – Put First Things First
Get the money in your wallet before you kick a ball.
Habit 4 – Think Win/Win
Losing is for losers! Win the frickin’ game numbnuts! Fat incompetent kids are there to subsidize the cost and carry the balls back to your car – they are not supposed to be on the playing field.
Habit 5 – Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood
Invoke the 24 hour rule so that you don’t have to talk to these losers and so that you can get to the pub before closing time. When the dust has settled you can listen to the parent’s distraught voice messages and then make a half assed attempt at understanding what the poor cow is getting at. Thereafter make yourself understood! You are the boss, she has no idea what she is talking about, and the club doesn’t do refunds. End of story.
Habit 6 – Synergize
Soccer is a team game! The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts! By stumbling blindly onto a successful team you can earn yourself a coaching gig with a better paying club and leave these cheapskates behind.
Habit 7 – Sharpen The Saw
Take time out of the hours you are being paid for ‘renewal’. You shouldn’t show up to any more than 75% of the scheduled practices and if you are questioned on this you should advise the complainant that (a) you are attending development classes aimed at improving her kid’s experience, and (b) her kid will be on the bench on Saturday. This year’s Michigan Soccer Coaches Association weekly development meetings will be held in Hooters on the corner of Square Lake and Telegraph Road.
Be on the lookout for a new club for next season long before you get found out.
Habit 2 – Begin With The End In Mind
A world cup win by the men’s national team is all that matters. Your academy program is there to provide the best training competition for the youth national teams and nothing else. All that guff about development, fun, lifetime of exercise, sports in education and teamwork is just tree hugger, Obama loving, nonsense.
Habit 3 – Put First Things First
Get the money in your wallet before you kick a ball.
Habit 4 – Think Win/Win
Losing is for losers! Win the frickin’ game numbnuts! Fat incompetent kids are there to subsidize the cost and carry the balls back to your car – they are not supposed to be on the playing field.
Habit 5 – Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood
Invoke the 24 hour rule so that you don’t have to talk to these losers and so that you can get to the pub before closing time. When the dust has settled you can listen to the parent’s distraught voice messages and then make a half assed attempt at understanding what the poor cow is getting at. Thereafter make yourself understood! You are the boss, she has no idea what she is talking about, and the club doesn’t do refunds. End of story.
Habit 6 – Synergize
Soccer is a team game! The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts! By stumbling blindly onto a successful team you can earn yourself a coaching gig with a better paying club and leave these cheapskates behind.
Habit 7 – Sharpen The Saw
Take time out of the hours you are being paid for ‘renewal’. You shouldn’t show up to any more than 75% of the scheduled practices and if you are questioned on this you should advise the complainant that (a) you are attending development classes aimed at improving her kid’s experience, and (b) her kid will be on the bench on Saturday. This year’s Michigan Soccer Coaches Association weekly development meetings will be held in Hooters on the corner of Square Lake and Telegraph Road.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Champions!
Congratulations to the winners of the 2009 US Youth Soccer national championship series! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!
Congratulations to the winners of the US Club Soccer 2009 National Champions Cup VIII! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!
Congratulations to the winners of the 2009 USYSA Presidents Cup - the national non-champion championship! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS
Congratulations to the winners of the USSF Development Academy National Championship! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.
All you youth soccer players owe a big vote of thanks to the adults who fight and bitch tirelessly with each other on your behalf to fracture the soccer community into a finely tuned rabble of competitive entities instead of one of those crazy, big-government, fully integrated programs that all those successful soccer nations have. Let’s be proud that in the USA anybody can be president, and everybody can be national soccer champion.
Congratulations to the winners of the US Club Soccer 2009 National Champions Cup VIII! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!
Congratulations to the winners of the 2009 USYSA Presidents Cup - the national non-champion championship! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS
Congratulations to the winners of the USSF Development Academy National Championship! You guys have earned the right to be regarded as the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.
All you youth soccer players owe a big vote of thanks to the adults who fight and bitch tirelessly with each other on your behalf to fracture the soccer community into a finely tuned rabble of competitive entities instead of one of those crazy, big-government, fully integrated programs that all those successful soccer nations have. Let’s be proud that in the USA anybody can be president, and everybody can be national soccer champion.
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