From Today's Paper

State Police took advantage of the Memorial Weekend holiday to break up one of the largest organized child abuse rings seen in recent times. Hundreds of demented parents were arrested while gathered at the side of large arenas where they would bay and foam at the mouth whilst their unfortunate offspring would do battle with each other in the height of the midday sun. Victorious parents would holler “You suck!” at the vanquished children and goad their crestfallen parents with loud proclamations of their ‘State Ranking’. If neither team was declared the outright winner both sets of parents would join forces and crucify a hapless adult dressed in a curious yellow shirt with black pinstripes. Police Chief Al Amerrykhanboy had tears in his eyes as he described pre-teen children being forced into cruel training drills and verbally abused at the hands of strangely-accented ‘High Priests’ as part of their preparation to take part in the Michael Vick Soccer Invitational.

New Team

Well, after what must be the longest tryout in history, it looks like we’ve settled on a team for my youngest daughter for next season.

The process began a few weeks ago with a couple of pre-tryout poaching sessions held by the club’s Director Of Nefarious Activities, Todd Underhand. We then discussed the situation at our current club with their Reassurance Counselor, Bob Undermine, and we even met with the Team Manager, Sonia Underpaid. I was particularly impressed with their speech about the expectation of our “long term commitment to the club” made by their new DOC who transferred over from Wazdar this year following his move from the Wolverines the year before, and The Fire the year before that.

The detail they went into during the tryout itself was amazing! They even sent someone out into the parking lot to check that our vehicle wouldn’t look out of place with the rest of the BMWs the parents all seem to drive. I have to be honest and say that at that point I was worried about the kid who showed up in a Toyota Prius but then I discovered she was only going out for the non-competitive rec team (aka “The Tree Huggers”) where she and her Jesus-sandals wearing parents will fit right in.

There was a little bit of soccer played too but not so much that anyone would have noticed as we were all too busy looking around to see who else had showed up.

The coach is actually an American which was a bit disappointing as it means we won’t be able to play our favorite game of “What do you think he meant when he said………?” in the car on the way home from another routine drubbing at the hands of those kids from the poor side of town.

His name is Bobby Jones but the girls all call him ‘Booby’ which is probably because he has a fine pair of man-boobs that jiggle when he chases after the linesman to dispute yet another bad call. On the other hand the parents all call him “BJ” which I thought were just his initials but supposedly relates to some initiation ritual that all the moms (and one of the dads apparently) have to go through when your kid joins the team.

At the end of the day we gathered in an excited huddle as they named the 18-strong roster and I beamed with pride as my daughter’s name was read out. As I was writing the first of many checks I heard some cynical parent pointing out that only 18 kids had showed up to tryout anyway. Some folks just like to find fault with everything.

Keeper Needed

Michigan Trash U13 Girls are looking for a goalkeeper to join their roster for next season. This is a great group of girls and parents who are friendly, supportive and will make you most welcome until you start picking the ball out of the net. We are a highly competitive team that is just coming off a great season marred only by a number of basic goalkeeping errors that led to an early exit from state cup and relegation from our league. If our current keeper, her fat ass mom, or two-timing lothario dad are reading this I’m sure they’ll take the hint. Email coach BJ Censeetiv at cuttheslackers@notmail.com for further details.

An Apology

I want to apologize to everyone for my daughter’s behavior at tryouts this year. She may have given the other girls the impression that she had already been promised a roster spot ahead of time. Nothing could be further from the truth. In actual fact girls like her who have weight issues, two left feet, a complete lack of co-ordination and a lazy left eye, actually have to work harder than most at tryouts. I’m sure that some parents will infer that her limited time on the field, and the fact that she didn’t actually come into contact with the ball, yet still made the premier team, suggests there is something going on. However, more advanced soccer fans will recognize this as a great demonstration of quality off-the-ball play. The rumors that she only made the top team because I agreed to bring my son, (current regional ODP captain, stud, superstar and general soccer god) back to the club that has been trying to recruit him for months are wide of the mark. The subsidized fees for my son and free travel to out of state games also had nothing to with it. You’ll all just have to accept that another part of our soccer dynasty is becoming established at the highest level.

Listen up, all you cynics!

I know a lot of you think that youth soccer is just all about the money these days but, take it from me, there are still good people out there in our little dysfunctional community. Just before tryouts I took a phone call from my youngest daughter's coach. Here is a guy who is moving on from our current club but even so he still wanted to take the time to offer us advice about my daughter's future. Prior to his call I had no idea that our current club's DOC was actually a "money-grabbing rat who knows nothing about soccer". I also had no clue that my daughter was about to be cut in favor of a much lesser player whose mom is of questionable moral standing, or that there is a clique of parents who choose the team and I'm not one of them! On the soccer side I was a bit surprised to learn that our current club's "glory days are over" due to the falling coaching standards and I was absolutely shocked to be told that our abject failure as a team this past year was all down to the club's failure to properly support the coach. It just goes to show that all those parents who thought that his drug and alcohol issues played a part don't know what they are talking about.

Now before you all jump in and say that this level of service is a one-off, may I remind you that this is the same coach who recruited us to our current club last year when he gave us the dirt on our previous club? So all you losers can stay where you are if you want but I will be moving my daughter to wherever this guy goes because I, for one, understand the meaning of the word 'integrity'.

Community Journalists

It’s very encouraging to see that Michigan continues to innovate in these tough economic times. With snoozepapers going to the wall, or cutting down on their print editions, I for one am delighted to see the rise of the community journalist. These self-centered enthusiasts bring a fresh exciting subjectivity to sports reporting in our local papers and they seem to have quickly mastered the fine arts of partisanship and inaccuracy so beloved of their professional colleagues. Here’s one of my favorite examples:

Super Soccer Sisters by Neil Downinhommage
A college bound star ensured that Hoocares East cemented their spot at the top of the 3rd Division of the Inbred Farmers Conference last night with a comprehensive 1-0 win over local rivals Hoocares West. Chief architects of West’s downfall were sisters sophomore Mindy, and senior college recruit Mandy Downinhommage, who combined to score the winning goal, dominate the midfield and control the defense. The winning goal came in the third minute of the second half when the ball was dribbled 70 yards and shot by some girl who no-one cares about. The ball rebounded off a post and was expertly deflected off her backside by Mindy to her college-bound sister who faked a trip and guided the ball into the net with her finely tuned, soon to be playing in college, left shoulder. Claims of hand ball and offside were swept aside by center ref “Uncle” Bob Downinhommage who knows a good goal by a scholarship quality player when he sees one. East peppered West’s goal with 20 shots; 2 from Mindy, 1 from soon-to-be-playing-big-time-ball Mandy, and the rest from some other kids who were also playing. No one on West’s team was worth mentioning. College recruit Mandy can expect to take her place in the starting line up next season at Wealthy Donors College where she will play in the recently dedicated Downinhommage Memorial Stadium. Who would bet against her sister joining her before long?