From Today's Paper

State Police took advantage of the Memorial Weekend holiday to break up one of the largest organized child abuse rings seen in recent times. Hundreds of demented parents were arrested while gathered at the side of large arenas where they would bay and foam at the mouth whilst their unfortunate offspring would do battle with each other in the height of the midday sun. Victorious parents would holler “You suck!” at the vanquished children and goad their crestfallen parents with loud proclamations of their ‘State Ranking’. If neither team was declared the outright winner both sets of parents would join forces and crucify a hapless adult dressed in a curious yellow shirt with black pinstripes. Police Chief Al Amerrykhanboy had tears in his eyes as he described pre-teen children being forced into cruel training drills and verbally abused at the hands of strangely-accented ‘High Priests’ as part of their preparation to take part in the Michael Vick Soccer Invitational.