From Today's Paper

Former Wazdar Elite Jugs director Johnny Foreignguy was arraigned in Oakland County Court today on charges of impersonating a soccer coach. Prosecutors allege that Foreignguy used his zany South-American accent to lull unsuspecting parents into parting with large chunks of their inherited wealth with the promise of turning their athletically-challenged offspring into world beaters. The accused was also charged with simulating giving a damn about the kids performance and falsifying his credentials. Wazdar recruited the coach on the basis of his long playing career with Real Panamanian Red and the Elbonian national team. Prosecutors explained to presiding Judge Edward Oohaahcantona that Elbonia is a non-existent nation just south of Arkansas. The judge was also informed that soccer is a sport widely played in the developed world. Foreignguy’s defense team entered a plea of not-guilty by reason of insolvency and outlined plans to call a host of defense witnesses including Elbonian President Vincente Maradona.