Don’t you just love this time of year? Some of the scary things going on are just out of this world! My youngest daughter is always a little bit reluctant to get involved and is usually already screaming “Mommy, mommy, don’t make me!” as we force her into the car. The horror starts as soon as we get there! In the parking lot the smell of cheap perfume and stale alcohol is overpowering as we are greeted by ‘The Parent From Hell’. Behind that friendly façade you just know she’ll stab you in the back without a second thought.
Gradually the place fills up with a cast of characters straight out of a Stephen King novel. My favorite is always the scary clown played by the goalkeeper’s dad. The chills continue as a little old lady with a friendly smile shocks every one of us with a bill for an extra $200 for the ‘coach’s incidental expenses’. The look on all the faces says it all! Sometimes I think it would be in the spirit of the season to send the severed head of this team manager back to the club on a silver plate with a note telling them to do their own dirty work!
My daughter takes her place in a line of little zombies running aimlessly around like headless chickens. You can see the fear in their faces knowing that the head executioner is about to emerge from his coffin. Then a shadow descends upon them and there he is – Coach Bob. I swear I can almost feel his spit landing on my own face at the other side of the field as he terrifies the kids with his screams! What a performance! The nervous smiles on the faces of the parents shows we are all getting what we paid for.
A nice touch this time was the Nazi referee. Marching a few unsuspecting parents to the parking lot for speaking out loud was priceless! However, I have to say that I wasn’t sure if the guy that sidled up to me then couldn’t take his eyes off my cleavage while drooling at the mouth and making sexual jokes was one of the characters or just the father of that new kid on the team.
We all laugh and joke as the kids are ritually terrified by eleven of the biggest, strongest, fastest psychos I’ve ever seen. Where in the world do they get these players?
On the way home I try to get into the spirit of things by doing my own impression of Coach Bob and lambasting my daughter over that goal she gave up to lose us the game in the last minute, but as her big old tears roll down I’m thinking that maybe she’s had enough horror for this year.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A League Of Their Own
Here in Michigan the Professional Soccer Youth Coaches Homeboy Organization (P.S.Y.C.H.O.) is pleased to announce the formation of a new soccer league designed to eliminate the problems associated with those old dinosaur leagues formed in the eighties by parents who were only really interested in the game. The Premier Elite Development Operation (PEDO) will begin play in the fall of 2010.
Development is at the heart of the reason behind the formation of the new league. For too long youth soccer leagues have been focused on wins and losses on the field. This new league will concentrate 100% on development. Coaches will focus much less on the games being played and much more on developing a steady stream of income.
The confusion between select, premier and elite programs will be eliminated in this new league. Concerned parents will be relieved to know that by dropping the name “Premier Elite” into the conversation at dinner parties their guests will instantly know that their kid plays in the most expensive league in the state.
Only professional clubs will be allowed access to the league in order to promote high standards and to avoid embarrassing defeats at the hands of small town clubs coached by enthusiastic parents.
Clubs with multiple teams in the same age group will not be allowed to designate their teams as A, B, C etc. Teams will be designated as Red, White and Blue to prevent parents suffering the humiliation of admitting that they pay thousands of dollars for their kid to play on the ‘C’ team. Divisions in the league will not be designated as Premier and First, or any other pejorative term. Red teams will play in the ‘Spongers’ division and White & Blue teams will play in the ‘Cash Cows’ division. Promotion and relegation between divisions will be at the whim of the board of directors and we are not even going to try and justify that.
Free roster movement will be a highlight of the league to allow clubs to form teams with a minimal amount of players by bringing subs in from other teams. This will provide kids with lots of field time and the opportunity to play up even though not enough of them showed up at tryouts. This program will be known as “No Check Left Behind”.
Quality will be maintained by strict enforcement of minimum standards for DOCs in the PEDO league. Initial requirements for a DOC will a B License and no more than two convictions for child related offenses or substance abuse. All DOCs must be approved by the coaching board of directors and are subject to the league’s prevailing minimum salary requirements. American citizens need not apply.
Scheduling will be done entirely to suit the whims of the coach and to allow them to focus on their Academy and MRL commitments without having to pay a sub to cover these nice little earners. The playing of multiple games on the same day to suit the coach will be portrayed as ‘family focused’ and in line with USSF ‘best practice’ in spite of being nothing of the kind.
Let the games begin!
Development is at the heart of the reason behind the formation of the new league. For too long youth soccer leagues have been focused on wins and losses on the field. This new league will concentrate 100% on development. Coaches will focus much less on the games being played and much more on developing a steady stream of income.
The confusion between select, premier and elite programs will be eliminated in this new league. Concerned parents will be relieved to know that by dropping the name “Premier Elite” into the conversation at dinner parties their guests will instantly know that their kid plays in the most expensive league in the state.
Only professional clubs will be allowed access to the league in order to promote high standards and to avoid embarrassing defeats at the hands of small town clubs coached by enthusiastic parents.
Clubs with multiple teams in the same age group will not be allowed to designate their teams as A, B, C etc. Teams will be designated as Red, White and Blue to prevent parents suffering the humiliation of admitting that they pay thousands of dollars for their kid to play on the ‘C’ team. Divisions in the league will not be designated as Premier and First, or any other pejorative term. Red teams will play in the ‘Spongers’ division and White & Blue teams will play in the ‘Cash Cows’ division. Promotion and relegation between divisions will be at the whim of the board of directors and we are not even going to try and justify that.
Free roster movement will be a highlight of the league to allow clubs to form teams with a minimal amount of players by bringing subs in from other teams. This will provide kids with lots of field time and the opportunity to play up even though not enough of them showed up at tryouts. This program will be known as “No Check Left Behind”.
Quality will be maintained by strict enforcement of minimum standards for DOCs in the PEDO league. Initial requirements for a DOC will a B License and no more than two convictions for child related offenses or substance abuse. All DOCs must be approved by the coaching board of directors and are subject to the league’s prevailing minimum salary requirements. American citizens need not apply.
Scheduling will be done entirely to suit the whims of the coach and to allow them to focus on their Academy and MRL commitments without having to pay a sub to cover these nice little earners. The playing of multiple games on the same day to suit the coach will be portrayed as ‘family focused’ and in line with USSF ‘best practice’ in spite of being nothing of the kind.
Let the games begin!
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Golden Jiggle
Building on a successful first WPS season proposals are being discussed to create a Women’s Champions League based on the format of the highly popular European Champions League. Chicago based Trumpet International Television Sports is poised to be the league’s main sponsor and will broadcast the games on its latenight T.I.T.S. TV cable channel. In a bid to attract a wider TV audience the format of the league and games will be modified in a number of ways:
The traditional two halves will be replaced by four periods to increase advertising opportunities. To promote roster development, players will only be allowed to participate in three quarters of a match in a process known as ‘sitting out your period’.
Un-feminine soccer moves, such as heading the ball and slide tackling, will not be allowed in WCL games. This will allow uniforms to be modified to promote a more ‘feminine aesthetic’ with the introduction of volleyball style micro shorts and will obviate the need for any headgear which might otherwise require the player’s hair to be tied back in an unflattering style. In addition, the use of sports bras will be outlawed in a bid to promote the new league’s version of Europe’s Ballon d’Or , the Golden Jiggle.
The new league is the brainchild of famed entrepreneur Pervese Oldude whose business record includes the successful promotion of National Women’s Mud Wrestling Championships. Executive managers of the league will be Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and Sepp Blatter. Oldude commented: “For too long women’s soccer has not been taken seriously and we are here to put that right”. When questioned about proposals to modify the offside law in the women’s game he replied “What the **** is offside?”
The traditional two halves will be replaced by four periods to increase advertising opportunities. To promote roster development, players will only be allowed to participate in three quarters of a match in a process known as ‘sitting out your period’.
Un-feminine soccer moves, such as heading the ball and slide tackling, will not be allowed in WCL games. This will allow uniforms to be modified to promote a more ‘feminine aesthetic’ with the introduction of volleyball style micro shorts and will obviate the need for any headgear which might otherwise require the player’s hair to be tied back in an unflattering style. In addition, the use of sports bras will be outlawed in a bid to promote the new league’s version of Europe’s Ballon d’Or , the Golden Jiggle.
The new league is the brainchild of famed entrepreneur Pervese Oldude whose business record includes the successful promotion of National Women’s Mud Wrestling Championships. Executive managers of the league will be Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and Sepp Blatter. Oldude commented: “For too long women’s soccer has not been taken seriously and we are here to put that right”. When questioned about proposals to modify the offside law in the women’s game he replied “What the **** is offside?”
Friday, October 16, 2009
Suspicious Person Alert
Ahead of this weekend’s games authorities have warned parents to be on the look out for a number of suspicious persons prowling around the soccer fields. These individuals are easily recognizable by their habit of wearing high quality soccer warm ups and expensive cleats in spite of being clearly out of shape and heavily over weight. They have a habit of being verbally and mentally abusive to minors as well as making totally inappropriate remarks such as ‘nice rack’ to female parents. They show an unhealthy need to be alone with children and frequently drop f-bombs in the presence of minors while out of adult ear shot. In addition to consuming copious amounts of alcohol these weirdos have formed their own cult like tight-knit community who back each other to the hilt against any accusations of impropriety. Parents who are concerned about their children being in danger from these characters can generally de-fuse the situation by approaching the felon, pushing a large check into his sweaty hand, and saying “Here’s this month’s payment coach”.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Reclaiming Soccer For America
It’s time for us to reclaim soccer for America and bring back the halcyon days when we could beat those stuck up Brits with only a butcher, a baker, and an adult-toy-maker for players. For some reason, after we humiliated them at their “own game”, we got it into our heads that what we needed was to invite their washed up has-beens over here to coach our kids. All these years later all we have to show for it is a crowd of knocked-up soccer moms and a national team of six foot twelve long ball punters. Jeez we even had to get President Obama to capitalize on his resounding success with the IOC and speak to the Honduran ambassador to arrange a missed PK so that we could be invited to the big dance.
So, for me, the days of lend-lease in reverse are over and we can repatriate those guys to the land of rain, bad teeth and even worse food. Our club is leading the way with an American coach!
Gotta say he’s made a huge impact already. Two kids were late to his first practice and he made the whole team run until they puked. Now that is coaching! In the first game he instantly spotted that we were tactically naïve and worked hard to snuff that out by having the boys run until they puked. Then the problems with some of the kid’s first touch was put to bed with some in depth sessions of running until they puked. Discipline is also much better since he brought in a rule that every yellow card means you run until you puke, and every red card means you run until your mother pukes.
Tonight is his first ‘meet the parents’ night. I’m not sure what to expect but I’ll be taking my sneakers and a sick bag just in case.
So, for me, the days of lend-lease in reverse are over and we can repatriate those guys to the land of rain, bad teeth and even worse food. Our club is leading the way with an American coach!
Gotta say he’s made a huge impact already. Two kids were late to his first practice and he made the whole team run until they puked. Now that is coaching! In the first game he instantly spotted that we were tactically naïve and worked hard to snuff that out by having the boys run until they puked. Then the problems with some of the kid’s first touch was put to bed with some in depth sessions of running until they puked. Discipline is also much better since he brought in a rule that every yellow card means you run until you puke, and every red card means you run until your mother pukes.
Tonight is his first ‘meet the parents’ night. I’m not sure what to expect but I’ll be taking my sneakers and a sick bag just in case.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Farewell To The Academy System
The USSF Development Academy program is entering its third year, during which time no world cups have been played and the USA has won precisely none of them. Therefore the Federation believes it is time for a radical re-think and the academy program will be scrapped in favor of Project Magic Bullet.
The new program will harness all the latest thinking on the implementation of soccer strategies at all levels:
The formation of choice will be the T3 and the federation will work towards developing a large pool of players able to play in the interposer role. USSF will employ NASA scientists to solve the one remaining issue with the interposer role – that of how a soccer player can be in two places at one time.
Based on the work of legendary coach Barney Rubble the concepts of passing and teamwork will be dropped in favor of random dribbling at inopportune moments. This approach should allow the US to not only win the world cup but should allow us to compete at a high level in the World Fanny Dancer championships. The Brazilian Soccer Schools (based in Garforth, England) will act as consultants in this area.
Every youth soccer player who registers with his state association will be issued with a SoccerWave rebounder, a ball on an elastic string, a pair of Footability DVDs and any other random junk advertised on FSC. USSF is fairly certain that these items are standard issue to the street kids of Rio and the Italian men’s national team.
Since the Brits appear to have the finest league in the world we will use their model of youth development and abandon our college based approach in favor of one in which kids do not pay to train but in which 99% of them are abandoned without an education and never get anywhere near a pro contract.
When asked about the alternative proposal to unify all our youth soccer bodies, widen the number of male college soccer scholarships, increase exposure of the professional game on the media, and abandon the MLS franchise system in favor of a pyramid approach, the Federation’s Chairman, Claude Kookooland, said that those ideas were “the sort of crazy thinking that won’t get us anywhere”. He went on to say that he truly believes the world cup is on the way to it’s spiritual home – Brazil.
The new program will harness all the latest thinking on the implementation of soccer strategies at all levels:
The formation of choice will be the T3 and the federation will work towards developing a large pool of players able to play in the interposer role. USSF will employ NASA scientists to solve the one remaining issue with the interposer role – that of how a soccer player can be in two places at one time.
Based on the work of legendary coach Barney Rubble the concepts of passing and teamwork will be dropped in favor of random dribbling at inopportune moments. This approach should allow the US to not only win the world cup but should allow us to compete at a high level in the World Fanny Dancer championships. The Brazilian Soccer Schools (based in Garforth, England) will act as consultants in this area.
Every youth soccer player who registers with his state association will be issued with a SoccerWave rebounder, a ball on an elastic string, a pair of Footability DVDs and any other random junk advertised on FSC. USSF is fairly certain that these items are standard issue to the street kids of Rio and the Italian men’s national team.
Since the Brits appear to have the finest league in the world we will use their model of youth development and abandon our college based approach in favor of one in which kids do not pay to train but in which 99% of them are abandoned without an education and never get anywhere near a pro contract.
When asked about the alternative proposal to unify all our youth soccer bodies, widen the number of male college soccer scholarships, increase exposure of the professional game on the media, and abandon the MLS franchise system in favor of a pyramid approach, the Federation’s Chairman, Claude Kookooland, said that those ideas were “the sort of crazy thinking that won’t get us anywhere”. He went on to say that he truly believes the world cup is on the way to it’s spiritual home – Brazil.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Sox Scandal Hits Soccer Club
A previously well-respected soccer coach has been arraigned in Detroit Criminal Court on charges of inappropriate contact with the footwear of the players on her team. Under investigation since 1997, Edna Wellthorpe was the coach of the Unhealthy Alliance Under 19 boy’s soccer team until she was released in June of this year. Court documents allege that Wellthorpe surreptitiously, and with malice aforethought, entered the backpacks of the players and stole their used soccer socks. When questioned about the issue she is alleged to have replied that the sock fairy that prevents such garments ever being found in a pair must have framed her. Allegations that she sleeps with the sweaty shin guards of her holding midfielder are continuing to be probed by the authorities. Investigations into Wellthorpe’s background reveal that she was run out of her home in the Central European country of Lalaland after being found guilty of stealing the worn jock straps of an adult men’s team for which she was the trainer. The case became known as the ‘Curse Of The Phantom Knicker Knocker’.
Counsel for the accused, Les Getrezonable, commented that there was no case to answer and turned the matter back on the parents for allowing their kids to wear such blatantly erotic footwear in the un-chaperoned presence of a healthy young misfit. He also said the club had a burden to bear in that, over a number of years, it took frequent calls from irate parents over missing garments but allowed the coach to continue. Sonia Insayshabel, a parent of one of the boys, said “My Tony has been missing his warm up top ever since the start of the season and it’s becoming apparent that this pervert has taken it. He’s also missing his Nike Total 90 soccer ball so I shudder to think what she’s being doing with that”.
In the interests of protecting the innocent and promoting salacious journalism our reporter refused to ask if there might be any chance that the players or the parents could be in the slightest bit culpable in the matter.
Counsel for the accused, Les Getrezonable, commented that there was no case to answer and turned the matter back on the parents for allowing their kids to wear such blatantly erotic footwear in the un-chaperoned presence of a healthy young misfit. He also said the club had a burden to bear in that, over a number of years, it took frequent calls from irate parents over missing garments but allowed the coach to continue. Sonia Insayshabel, a parent of one of the boys, said “My Tony has been missing his warm up top ever since the start of the season and it’s becoming apparent that this pervert has taken it. He’s also missing his Nike Total 90 soccer ball so I shudder to think what she’s being doing with that”.
In the interests of protecting the innocent and promoting salacious journalism our reporter refused to ask if there might be any chance that the players or the parents could be in the slightest bit culpable in the matter.
First Division Soccer
Even though my kids are already way better than your poorly coached, under-funded unfortunates, I’m still always on the lookout for that little extra edge which can help keep my little darlings ahead of your riff-raff. So I was intrigued to hear about some of the ethnic soccer being played on the edges of our dysfunctional community. For example I was told that the Hispanic leagues feature either skillful soccer beyond what any mere American kid could do, or blatant flopping in box with matching outrageous histrionics. My investigations into that little question reveals that the answer depends on whose prejudices you choose to adopt. So anyway, I decided to look around the other exclusive leagues to see what I could pick up.
The Catholic Confessional League has some pretty good players who are all obliged to admit to their fouls when they are red carded. The problem seems to be that all the teams are nick-named The Cardinals. Worse than that, all the girls are called Mary and all the boys are either Peter or Paul – well except for the star striker at Mercy Mercy Me Highschool whose name is Ishmael Goldstein (but I heard the booster that recruited him to the school was let go for not being diligent enough in his background checks).
Michigan Dyslexics Academy (DAM) plays in the 8v8 league alongside the 4 kids who make up the full roster on the famed Schizophrenics United team.
The Boston based Iranian expatriots league have been refused entry to the larger soccer community until they allow the authorities full and unfettered access to their player enrichment program. The league itself has been split into two factions known as the New England Pre Revolution and the New England Post Revolution. I think they have some fundamental differences but like most Americans I have no clue what they are.
At the moment I’m still trying to understand how things operate over in England. It seems that soccer over there is arranged into four “divisions”. I’m trying to get my contact to explain to me why their 3rd tier is called the First Division. In return I’ll try to explain to him how in America, soccer “Divisions” means something entirely different.
The Catholic Confessional League has some pretty good players who are all obliged to admit to their fouls when they are red carded. The problem seems to be that all the teams are nick-named The Cardinals. Worse than that, all the girls are called Mary and all the boys are either Peter or Paul – well except for the star striker at Mercy Mercy Me Highschool whose name is Ishmael Goldstein (but I heard the booster that recruited him to the school was let go for not being diligent enough in his background checks).
Michigan Dyslexics Academy (DAM) plays in the 8v8 league alongside the 4 kids who make up the full roster on the famed Schizophrenics United team.
The Boston based Iranian expatriots league have been refused entry to the larger soccer community until they allow the authorities full and unfettered access to their player enrichment program. The league itself has been split into two factions known as the New England Pre Revolution and the New England Post Revolution. I think they have some fundamental differences but like most Americans I have no clue what they are.
At the moment I’m still trying to understand how things operate over in England. It seems that soccer over there is arranged into four “divisions”. I’m trying to get my contact to explain to me why their 3rd tier is called the First Division. In return I’ll try to explain to him how in America, soccer “Divisions” means something entirely different.
Rogue Soccer Clubs
Thank goodness we have decent people out there to keep an eye on all these rogue soccer clubs. We should all be grateful to guys like Ivan Ajender who has been diligent in keeping us all informed about the shenanigans going on at Midwest Excess ever since the club let him go last summer. I was shocked by his revelation that the money we pay is being used to fund the lavish lifestyle of the guys who founded the club and exploited the market in a blatantly un-American way known as a “business”.
He also reveals that the club’s DOC instructs the coaches to promote a game style of kicking the crap out of the opponents and flopping in the penalty box at every opportunity. Poor Ivan has been so busy making us aware of the scandals at this former employer that he hasn’t had the chance to send back all his trophies or remove all the club’s accolades from his resume now that he has revealed they made him cheat to get them.
Ivan knew all along that one of the club’s coaches was headed to a courtroom and he’s been forced to spend hours editing all his old posts on the club’s website praising this guy now that the truth is out. I just hope that no one considers a great guy like Ivan is in any way culpable just because he didn’t blow the whistle on this dude.
Most disturbing is his revelation that the DOC picks the players on his teams on the basis of how ‘hot’ the mother is. It seems that the A teams are known as the ‘MILFs’ and the C teams are known as the ‘Ten Beers’. It seems to me that Ivan is well out of that place and now that his divorce is settled I hope that he and the mother of his former star striker will be able to settle down together after that slightly distasteful start to their relationship. I for one wish them all they deserve.
He also reveals that the club’s DOC instructs the coaches to promote a game style of kicking the crap out of the opponents and flopping in the penalty box at every opportunity. Poor Ivan has been so busy making us aware of the scandals at this former employer that he hasn’t had the chance to send back all his trophies or remove all the club’s accolades from his resume now that he has revealed they made him cheat to get them.
Ivan knew all along that one of the club’s coaches was headed to a courtroom and he’s been forced to spend hours editing all his old posts on the club’s website praising this guy now that the truth is out. I just hope that no one considers a great guy like Ivan is in any way culpable just because he didn’t blow the whistle on this dude.
Most disturbing is his revelation that the DOC picks the players on his teams on the basis of how ‘hot’ the mother is. It seems that the A teams are known as the ‘MILFs’ and the C teams are known as the ‘Ten Beers’. It seems to me that Ivan is well out of that place and now that his divorce is settled I hope that he and the mother of his former star striker will be able to settle down together after that slightly distasteful start to their relationship. I for one wish them all they deserve.
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