Sox Scandal Hits Soccer Club

A previously well-respected soccer coach has been arraigned in Detroit Criminal Court on charges of inappropriate contact with the footwear of the players on her team. Under investigation since 1997, Edna Wellthorpe was the coach of the Unhealthy Alliance Under 19 boy’s soccer team until she was released in June of this year. Court documents allege that Wellthorpe surreptitiously, and with malice aforethought, entered the backpacks of the players and stole their used soccer socks. When questioned about the issue she is alleged to have replied that the sock fairy that prevents such garments ever being found in a pair must have framed her. Allegations that she sleeps with the sweaty shin guards of her holding midfielder are continuing to be probed by the authorities. Investigations into Wellthorpe’s background reveal that she was run out of her home in the Central European country of Lalaland after being found guilty of stealing the worn jock straps of an adult men’s team for which she was the trainer. The case became known as the ‘Curse Of The Phantom Knicker Knocker’.

Counsel for the accused, Les Getrezonable, commented that there was no case to answer and turned the matter back on the parents for allowing their kids to wear such blatantly erotic footwear in the un-chaperoned presence of a healthy young misfit. He also said the club had a burden to bear in that, over a number of years, it took frequent calls from irate parents over missing garments but allowed the coach to continue. Sonia Insayshabel, a parent of one of the boys, said “My Tony has been missing his warm up top ever since the start of the season and it’s becoming apparent that this pervert has taken it. He’s also missing his Nike Total 90 soccer ball so I shudder to think what she’s being doing with that”.

In the interests of protecting the innocent and promoting salacious journalism our reporter refused to ask if there might be any chance that the players or the parents could be in the slightest bit culpable in the matter.