Suspicious Person Alert

Ahead of this weekend’s games authorities have warned parents to be on the look out for a number of suspicious persons prowling around the soccer fields. These individuals are easily recognizable by their habit of wearing high quality soccer warm ups and expensive cleats in spite of being clearly out of shape and heavily over weight. They have a habit of being verbally and mentally abusive to minors as well as making totally inappropriate remarks such as ‘nice rack’ to female parents. They show an unhealthy need to be alone with children and frequently drop f-bombs in the presence of minors while out of adult ear shot. In addition to consuming copious amounts of alcohol these weirdos have formed their own cult like tight-knit community who back each other to the hilt against any accusations of impropriety. Parents who are concerned about their children being in danger from these characters can generally de-fuse the situation by approaching the felon, pushing a large check into his sweaty hand, and saying “Here’s this month’s payment coach”.