The USSF Development Academy program is entering its third year, during which time no world cups have been played and the USA has won precisely none of them. Therefore the Federation believes it is time for a radical re-think and the academy program will be scrapped in favor of Project Magic Bullet.
The new program will harness all the latest thinking on the implementation of soccer strategies at all levels:
The formation of choice will be the T3 and the federation will work towards developing a large pool of players able to play in the interposer role. USSF will employ NASA scientists to solve the one remaining issue with the interposer role – that of how a soccer player can be in two places at one time.
Based on the work of legendary coach Barney Rubble the concepts of passing and teamwork will be dropped in favor of random dribbling at inopportune moments. This approach should allow the US to not only win the world cup but should allow us to compete at a high level in the World Fanny Dancer championships. The Brazilian Soccer Schools (based in Garforth, England) will act as consultants in this area.
Every youth soccer player who registers with his state association will be issued with a SoccerWave rebounder, a ball on an elastic string, a pair of Footability DVDs and any other random junk advertised on FSC. USSF is fairly certain that these items are standard issue to the street kids of Rio and the Italian men’s national team.
Since the Brits appear to have the finest league in the world we will use their model of youth development and abandon our college based approach in favor of one in which kids do not pay to train but in which 99% of them are abandoned without an education and never get anywhere near a pro contract.
When asked about the alternative proposal to unify all our youth soccer bodies, widen the number of male college soccer scholarships, increase exposure of the professional game on the media, and abandon the MLS franchise system in favor of a pyramid approach, the Federation’s Chairman, Claude Kookooland, said that those ideas were “the sort of crazy thinking that won’t get us anywhere”. He went on to say that he truly believes the world cup is on the way to it’s spiritual home – Brazil.
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