A League Of Their Own

Here in Michigan the Professional Soccer Youth Coaches Homeboy Organization (P.S.Y.C.H.O.) is pleased to announce the formation of a new soccer league designed to eliminate the problems associated with those old dinosaur leagues formed in the eighties by parents who were only really interested in the game. The Premier Elite Development Operation (PEDO) will begin play in the fall of 2010.

Development is at the heart of the reason behind the formation of the new league. For too long youth soccer leagues have been focused on wins and losses on the field. This new league will concentrate 100% on development. Coaches will focus much less on the games being played and much more on developing a steady stream of income.

The confusion between select, premier and elite programs will be eliminated in this new league. Concerned parents will be relieved to know that by dropping the name “Premier Elite” into the conversation at dinner parties their guests will instantly know that their kid plays in the most expensive league in the state.

Only professional clubs will be allowed access to the league in order to promote high standards and to avoid embarrassing defeats at the hands of small town clubs coached by enthusiastic parents.

Clubs with multiple teams in the same age group will not be allowed to designate their teams as A, B, C etc. Teams will be designated as Red, White and Blue to prevent parents suffering the humiliation of admitting that they pay thousands of dollars for their kid to play on the ‘C’ team. Divisions in the league will not be designated as Premier and First, or any other pejorative term. Red teams will play in the ‘Spongers’ division and White & Blue teams will play in the ‘Cash Cows’ division. Promotion and relegation between divisions will be at the whim of the board of directors and we are not even going to try and justify that.

Free roster movement will be a highlight of the league to allow clubs to form teams with a minimal amount of players by bringing subs in from other teams. This will provide kids with lots of field time and the opportunity to play up even though not enough of them showed up at tryouts. This program will be known as “No Check Left Behind”.

Quality will be maintained by strict enforcement of minimum standards for DOCs in the PEDO league. Initial requirements for a DOC will a B License and no more than two convictions for child related offenses or substance abuse. All DOCs must be approved by the coaching board of directors and are subject to the league’s prevailing minimum salary requirements. American citizens need not apply.

Scheduling will be done entirely to suit the whims of the coach and to allow them to focus on their Academy and MRL commitments without having to pay a sub to cover these nice little earners. The playing of multiple games on the same day to suit the coach will be portrayed as ‘family focused’ and in line with USSF ‘best practice’ in spite of being nothing of the kind.

Let the games begin!