The Golden Jiggle

Building on a successful first WPS season proposals are being discussed to create a Women’s Champions League based on the format of the highly popular European Champions League. Chicago based Trumpet International Television Sports is poised to be the league’s main sponsor and will broadcast the games on its latenight T.I.T.S. TV cable channel. In a bid to attract a wider TV audience the format of the league and games will be modified in a number of ways:

The traditional two halves will be replaced by four periods to increase advertising opportunities. To promote roster development, players will only be allowed to participate in three quarters of a match in a process known as ‘sitting out your period’.

Un-feminine soccer moves, such as heading the ball and slide tackling, will not be allowed in WCL games. This will allow uniforms to be modified to promote a more ‘feminine aesthetic’ with the introduction of volleyball style micro shorts and will obviate the need for any headgear which might otherwise require the player’s hair to be tied back in an unflattering style. In addition, the use of sports bras will be outlawed in a bid to promote the new league’s version of Europe’s Ballon d’Or , the Golden Jiggle.

The new league is the brainchild of famed entrepreneur Pervese Oldude whose business record includes the successful promotion of National Women’s Mud Wrestling Championships. Executive managers of the league will be Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and Sepp Blatter. Oldude commented: “For too long women’s soccer has not been taken seriously and we are here to put that right”. When questioned about proposals to modify the offside law in the women’s game he replied “What the **** is offside?”