Don’t you just love this time of year? Some of the scary things going on are just out of this world! My youngest daughter is always a little bit reluctant to get involved and is usually already screaming “Mommy, mommy, don’t make me!” as we force her into the car. The horror starts as soon as we get there! In the parking lot the smell of cheap perfume and stale alcohol is overpowering as we are greeted by ‘The Parent From Hell’. Behind that friendly façade you just know she’ll stab you in the back without a second thought.
Gradually the place fills up with a cast of characters straight out of a Stephen King novel. My favorite is always the scary clown played by the goalkeeper’s dad. The chills continue as a little old lady with a friendly smile shocks every one of us with a bill for an extra $200 for the ‘coach’s incidental expenses’. The look on all the faces says it all! Sometimes I think it would be in the spirit of the season to send the severed head of this team manager back to the club on a silver plate with a note telling them to do their own dirty work!
My daughter takes her place in a line of little zombies running aimlessly around like headless chickens. You can see the fear in their faces knowing that the head executioner is about to emerge from his coffin. Then a shadow descends upon them and there he is – Coach Bob. I swear I can almost feel his spit landing on my own face at the other side of the field as he terrifies the kids with his screams! What a performance! The nervous smiles on the faces of the parents shows we are all getting what we paid for.
A nice touch this time was the Nazi referee. Marching a few unsuspecting parents to the parking lot for speaking out loud was priceless! However, I have to say that I wasn’t sure if the guy that sidled up to me then couldn’t take his eyes off my cleavage while drooling at the mouth and making sexual jokes was one of the characters or just the father of that new kid on the team.
We all laugh and joke as the kids are ritually terrified by eleven of the biggest, strongest, fastest psychos I’ve ever seen. Where in the world do they get these players?
On the way home I try to get into the spirit of things by doing my own impression of Coach Bob and lambasting my daughter over that goal she gave up to lose us the game in the last minute, but as her big old tears roll down I’m thinking that maybe she’s had enough horror for this year.
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This blog is hilarious. We just got slaughtered yesterday by a team that had recruited players and full-time goaltenders. It was probably 15-0. My kids are 8 and in their first year. After the game, when the kids lined up to shake hands, the other team instead of shaking hands lifted them up at the last second and sang the Chelsea Hooligans chant "Let's Go Fucking Mental!" (words slightly changed). That's what the Chelsea fans used to sing before they started tossing bricks and bottles at opponents' supporters. Class all around!
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